"Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away

From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train

I wanna get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

-John Mayer

Be here now, here now

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

Don't lose faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

Cause walls will crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now"

Ray LaMontagne

Skinny Mini!

Oh dear. Mom has dramatically dropped her weight. It's definitely a struggle to see her in this state. She absolutely does not want to eat a thing. I try to tell her that it is key for her survival and she looks at me with panic and fear in her eyes. I can feel her anxiety jump across and enter into my body. We have all researched foods to help her gain weight, but she is having such a difficult time! It makes her tear up to talk about eating. When people say that chemo (by the way: can you imagine getting these treatments every week for five hours at a time?! ughhh) makes food your enemy, they certainly are not fibbing. On top of the mad amounts of medicine she is digesting, her cancer is of her digestive system, so it's terribly painful. I can't believe she is enduring all of this. The reality of this disease and her state seems like it cannot possibly be real. I really feel like I am in a nightmare and that I'll wake up at anytime now...

You all have been so good to me! I wish I could write each of you a letter of how much you have encouraged and inspired me throughout this time. I hope that I will be able to soon! Words just aren't enough.

My mom is in pain now that she has started chemo. She doesn't feel like herself and isn't eating near enough(as expected). Please pray that she finds some foods that are appealing to her. Food is the key for life. Her attitude has been struggling because she has no energy and feels sick most of the time. It's really hard not to be by her side all the time!

I was supposed to see her this weekend, but got sick and didn't want to threaten her with getting sick, since her immune system is incredibly weak right now. I really hope to see her this coming weekend!

I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up in life. I have really messed up on finances, school is beating me up, I've been sick, I don't sleep enough, I'm eating like crap, I am not working-out, and those of you who know me really well can confess that obviously I have been thrown off my, "i am in control" pedestal. The best part of it all is that I LOVE IT. I actually know who I am right now. I don't feel like I have to answer to all the enemy's questions because I know I am not capable of being in control of anything!

I guess that sounds strange( I am sure some of you have been worried about me lately), but God is incredible and I'll never lose sight of that. I feel his love daily and he has given me blessings that are immeasurable. I have some really down moments, but he shows me everyday that something way bigger than me is coming out of all of this. Without suffering, you don't learn what life is really about. I don't wish suffering upon anyone, but I don't think I've ever dreamt so much. It's the first time I can say that I just really have let go of caring about what anyone thinks they know about me. A lot of people love me and a lot of people don't and that's ok! I'm just so thankful for those who do.

I love you all. Thank you for supporting me in letting go of those who do not. This is good.

Tough Day

It's funny how much you can remove yourself from situations you are going through, but I know that you must in order to get through it all at times. It's good to breathe in life away from the darkness.

I haven't been around my mom as much lately because of school, so it's sometimes easier to block out the reality of what's going on for my mind and body's survival.

Today is one of those days that I cannot block it out because I must be praying for her and ask all of you to pray, as well. She is really scared and I feel sick to my stomach.

Chemo just isn't a fun word to have to say or think about. Chemo means cancer and we all know cancer kills those we love all the time. 

Everyday I get asked what I'm going to do in December when I graduate. That's hard because I am trying to just live day-to-day right now. Maybe I should change that, but it's all I can do for today. I don't know where my mom will be and if she needs me, I need to be there. 

It's crazy to think about all the dreams I have and how life doesn't line up with them right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm living it up,  but things happen, and your dreams don't seem as important as love. I hope I can give my mom a taste of the love she has given me.

Thank you all for your support. I know you'll be praying! Much Love.

Chemo update

My mom starts chemo on Tuesday! This is much earlier than expected post-surgery. Pray that the medicine performs miracles! 

My mom went to Houston today...

She went to MD Anderson for the day and found out that she can start chemo in about a month, which is at least a month sooner than expected! Praise God! Please pray that the chemo gets rid of the spot on her liver and abdomen wall and shrinks the tumor in her pancreas, so that she can be a candidate for the Wipple procedure. Thank you all for praying with my family.