How is mom?

She is not recovering perfectly well from surgery: a lot of pain, no energy, infection, on and off fever. She is at home with me, but is in a hospital bed and a nurse comes twice a day. She is by no means able to take care of herself on her own. This whole fiasco has caused at least six weeks without chemotherapy. The chances of the cancer spreading are much higher and we have no idea when she will be back on her feet. Also, because she occasionally runs a high fever, the doctor is concerned that something is wrong with her lungs.

Her body has just been through hell. Surgeries, medications, lack of food and water. I just feel for her. It is sad to see her in this state and those of you who have gone through this, know exactly what we're feeling. There is nothing like it. Cancer is taking over!!! I hope that cancer is like madcow disease or the flu and that we will be able to look back and have a vaccine, but I just don't understand how we all have someone going through it. WHAT is it? A friend of mine said, that it is just proof of the broken world we live in. Well, that really breaks my heart.

How mommie can survive:
Please pray:
She needs to have 1200 calories a day and is used to having around 500 since she began chemo.
Her infection can clear.
She can get back on chemo.
She can function, as normally as she was pre-colin rupturing.
Anything and everything- emotionally, physically, spiritually

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

Holidays are always difficult to predict. Some families can't wait to get together, some don't have a family and some dread the whole idea of the season.

It really is insane how much happens when the holidays arrive. About 5 years ago, I was going through losing my dad during winter break and now I almost lost my mom. It hits you hard. There is no avoiding the painful loss of not having my dad around for the holidays and seeing my mom sick, as cancer complications take over.

I spent Christmas day with my mom, Mike and Lisa at the hospital, as my mom was awaiting a blood transfusion, because her white blood count was so low. On the 23rd, she was emitted to the ER and we found out that her colin had ruptured. She went into immediate surgery and made it through, thank the Lord. That was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. We all were not doing well. Mike and I were in panic mode and got very sick.

I HATE going to hospitals. HATE it. I praise God for all the nurses and doctors! My DNA freaks out in those places. I know I have never liked the idea of illness, blood etc, but mostly I can't handle the idea of seeing another loved one in such an amount of suffering. Oh, it just kills my core.

I could ramble about so much...these last weeks have been an overload of pain and suffering. As much as I hurt, and those around me are broken-hearted, I see how God is testing my faith.

If I worry- I have a faith issue. I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth of what life on the earth is really about. I refuse to lose my soul. So much of me wants to find satisfaction in the world when I am weak, and that is when I know God has mercy on me because I am seeing how truly imperfect, broken and torn I am(not that I haven't known this all along).

I'm trusting God for tomorrow.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:26-27

super duper fast update

Mom has taken a turn for the worse! She has only eaten an apple sauce in two and a half days after throwing up for hours on Friday. She is barely drinking enough to keep going. She is beginning to be stubborn and has not let us take her to the hospital.

She is as little as it gets. Please pray for strength and hope. Also, please pray for her pain to leave her and that she will somehow become hydrated. We are all very concerned.

There's much more...but just needed prayers asap!!!!

LOVE!!!!

Awakening

Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.

Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.

Speak to my pain and confusion.

Speak through my fears and my pride.

Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.

I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,

in a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.

And I know you said there is more to life.

And I know I am not satisfied.

But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.

I've known now, for quite awhile, that I am not whole.

I've remembered the body and the mind,

But dissected my soul.

Now something inside is awakening,

Like a dream I once had and forgot.

And it's something I'm scared of

And something I don't want to stop.

And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portrait,

Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.

And I thought it would be hard to believe in

But it's not hard at all.

To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom

He's asking to take my place.

To stand in the gap that I have formed

With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.

And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.

It's not just a metaphor for love.

The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of your faith.

So leave out the thee and thou and speak now.

-Sara Groves

You can fall at any level

"I will be to you whatever you need to accomplish My will"

I have been reading The Final Quest- thanks Bethany for sharing that with months and months ago! It's really interesting. It's about a spiritual battle: actual war between good and evil. The metaphors that the author uses amaze me. 

Particularly, I think it's important to learn, "when you think you are the least vulnerable to falling is in fact when you are the most vulnerable. Most men fall immediately after a great victory".

I think the main reason for falling is that we insist of having control when we can power through our victories. We must remember that it is necessary to fight for humility at all costs. It's not ever us...it's always Him anyway. If it is us, He knows our motives.

Update: my mom is having a hard time. Please pray for her strength, mentally and emotionally, and physically. Chemo takes an enormous toll on your body and mind in every way. I'm not complaining too much though, it could be the miracle drug. I say drug, but my sweet mom is on three, which is unusual and challenging.

As far as my health issues are going- My pain is getting better from my cysts and the other scare, must just have been a scare, because I haven't heard otherwise. 

I'm thankful for my friends and of course, my boyfriend. I really have been blessed these lasts months with a family of people that I never have experienced before. Mostly, I am going through the transition of graduating and many new and exciting things coming my way(we all do). I have faith that the Father will be to me, whatever it is I need during it all(this is a promise to all of us). He knows my heart and He's not going to let me go. His love is everything.  I need to grow in loving Him. Don't let anything make you believe that His grace and love is not sufficient. It is and always will be.

Home Sweet Home

"My grace is suffient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I have spent this weekend with my mom in Alpharetta. It is gorgeous here! The Fall leaves, trees, the weather... it is healing and comforting. I know God is near. I'm always thankful to have days where there is no way you could exist without knowing the beauty and power of the Lord. It's overwhelming.

My mom is a little grumpy today. I can tell she is sick of taking all the medications and the limitations that they put on her body. She hasn't felt well the last few days and is disappointed that I have to see her on her "off" days. BUT-I can see Christ working through her and it amazes me. She is dedicated to seeking hope and comfort, but she has years of anxiety to defeat.

We both have been sick this week, so it's not the way we would like to picture our time together, but that's what hope is for. I wish I could do more for her. 

I have my medical exam on Thursday and I'm starting to panic about it. It's not an easy procedure to endure. I wish this week would come and go, and I hate wishing time away. I have tons and tons to do before graduation, but I'm trying my best to keep up with it all. It really is a battle to be going through health issues myself, during the most trying times. I wish I could go somewhere completely  new and exciting....meet and serve people. That is where my heart needs to be. For now, I'll just keep on doing what I can. I feel like I am trapped in this holding period and I'm ready to move forward! I guess that means I want to escape, which is impossible because my circumstances are the same no matter where I go. I need to open my eyes to where I am now and later, I will see what our sovereign God has been planning for my life. I know there is more than this.

"Great peace have those who love Your law. And nothing causes them to stumble."

-Psalm 119:165

Results

My mom's check-up results: They could have been worse and they could have been better, but I will take them!

My mom's tumor has remained the same size, which is good that it has not grown, but it needs to shrink, in order for the surgery to take place. Also, the spot on her liver and abdomen wall seems to have left. YAY! She may have a spot on her ovary, or it could be a cyst. 

She will have another check-up in January to see the results from the continuing chemo treatments, as well as, they have added a new drug to the mix. Please keep praying! We have to have hope!

Thank you all for the prayers. I know that they helped get rid of those spots! 

Love.