Message from Mom

I wish I spoke to Mom more. Please don't be freaked out. I don't mean that she's a ghost lurking around my house. Simply, I wish I would express my feelings to her more, like I would if she was listening. She was the best listener.

I believe my mom is in Heaven. No doubt about it. Today I was searching through a box of memories and ran across this note/poem:

Tears filled my eyes, as I read her hand-written note. It was like she just gave it to me after missing her for so long. What would it be like to be loved like that again? A mother's love is one uniquely beautiful gift.

I have no memory of when she wrote this for me, but it doesn't matter. This note makes me realize that though we are apart, she still has all that love for me she did when she was here. No matter how old I become, this poem will always be special. To my mom, I was all of those things and most of my life that was the most important thing. Now, that she is gone, I have had to make other things important, but the void will always exist. I will never be the same. Yes, I am healing/grieving, but I am changed, my life has changed.

I'll cherish all the love I had from my parents for as long as I did. Without it now, life is much different and for awhile, much harder.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons

This past weekend was a full one! I was fortunate enough to have Linda's Hope invited to a Nashville Cancer Community event, hosted and performed by Playing By Air Productions. It was phenomenal. The show was amazing and the guys clearly put a lot of hard work into it: all for the cause of connecting the cancer community! It makes me overjoyed that people like this are in the world. OVERJOYED. I get emotional, like some people do at weddings. I cried, and anyone who has been affected by cancer had to have gotten goosebumps! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making us feel so special and cared about.

"Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance"

I added this lyric to my post because it hit home for me to the one thousandth degree. The last three lines can summarize and un-complicate so much of what I struggle with explaining to those who have not lost a loved one. Or- the closest loved one/ones. Realizing the pain of loss, is something none of us want to have to do, but it's inevitable. It will happen and for me, the two most important people in my life were taken away.

Here is what I have learned to appreciate through these words/lyrics:

1. Death is at your doorstep- literally, someone usually shows up at your door to give you the news. It is not exactly something you say over the phone, unless they are hundreds/thousands miles away. Not only is it literally at your doorstep, but it's at the doorstep of life after you go through the loss. Death is always there. After death happens, it is like you have to take a step on it, through it, over it, etc to get to the door of anything. It is a part of you. Once you experience death, there's no turning back. You are now a person that has experienced something so mysterious and dark that it can be overpowering. It constantly alludes you. It doesn't leave. You have to see it over and over again.

2. And it will steal your innocence - It really does. You know longer talk about death in what ifs and fear of the unknown. Now, you have fear of the known. Your mind is never the same. You see how dangerous things are. You see that life is short. Anything can be taken away from you at any time. ANYONE at any time. It is scary as hell. I don't mean you can't enjoy life, or have fun. In fact, if anything it makes you enjoy moments more. You get it: This is it. You never know when someone, the most important person in your life will die or be dying. Appreciate them.

Your mind opens and you enter another world.

3.But it will not steal your substance- This empowers me. Death does steal a person from you, but it hits you hard with the core of yourself... What your fears, joys, loves, passions, likes, hates, and reality are. You start to ask questions; You seek answers. You want to seek advice from wiser, older people, experienced people and you really LISTEN. The mind is miraculous... Supernatural strength arises at times and deep dark places the other half. These places teach you more about life than I could possibly know how to share. The triggers, nightmares, the memories- I never know when they will come or leave. I am thankful that all of us who have gone through death understand the pain of each other. It would be too overwhelming to do this alone. I am glad that I can reach out to those in need because of my experiences and that they do not have to suffer alone and neither do I. Sometimes, it seems like there is no one who gets it and then I meet someone who is in the same place as me and I realize this is all part of one huge story. Too bad, I am not the writer. JUST KIDDING! That would be terrible.

Scrambled eggs, well, any eggs

Today, I was searching through the fridge, cabinets, and freezer for something to eat for lunch. I have a lot of miscellaneous items, but nothing that formed a meal instantly. Well, except for eggs. Oh, eggs.

Eggs will always remind me of my sweet mom. During her last months, she ate a scrambled egg every morning with cheese for breakfast. Usually, I would make her egg because the worst part of eating to her, was watching the preparation of the meal. Having cancer, and being on chemo, makes a person easily want to fore go any food. So, having to painfully prepare an egg, she didn't even want to eat was worse than eating it at all. Makes sense, right?

As, I scrambled my two eggs with cheese, I realized how I tried to be sneaky with Mom's eggs. I would always try to add a little more cheese, or possibly add another egg. Everyday I would ask her, "How do you feel about two eggs today?" She would always kindly say, "Not today, thank you, sweetie". As if, maybe tomorrow she'd be up for two eggs. Never was this the case, but I thank God she made me think that it was not a permanent situation.

Then, I began to think, how strange? How strange it was for me to really think an extra egg would save her life. Her weight had gotten so low, that I thought if we could just pack on any extra calories, even 80, from an egg that she may live longer. That could be true, but it wasn't.

When you are battling cancer with a loved one, someone so dear as your mother, I suppose you cling onto any little teeny tiny bit of a hope and if that's an egg for you, keep it going.