Loss

"Goodbye"
Patty Griffin

Occured to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
well, I guess it takes while
For someone to really disappear
And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
the sky was bright, and wide, and blue

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in
'Cause you can't make somebody see
By the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away

But I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

The grief is passing

Each morning has gotten easier to rise. I don't wake up gasping for air like I once did. Peace has settled in my soul and I can see that life without my parents has become the norm. Not that I'm grateful, that life without them has become my reality, but grateful that it does not consume every part of my being.

It's hard to say the exact day that I realized I could see the future without them in it. After all, I did not have a choice. However, I did have a choice to see that there was a future beyond missing them everyday.

I started to ponder upon : What do I have to look forward to? A new family? A new love? A future.

The future can feel frightening. What if I lose someone again? What if  I get pancreatic cancer? What if someone never loves me enough to marry me? What if, what if, what if...

Isn't it funny how every day brings so many new thoughts and emotions? One day, I can feel completely hopeless and the next day, I feel I have EVERYTHING to look forward to. When I get to rock bottom, I remember: tomorrow you might have hope again.

I have to believe in others' love for me and trust in God. I have to wait and wait and wait. Sometimes, I feel so alone and tired of doing a lot on my own. There has been so much to process over the years. I look forward to the day that the processing has relieved, as the grief has. One day at a time... One step at a time.

Some of the images I still battle are: watching my mom's body be put into a body bag, her dried out eyes, as she was dying, Dad's skull being removed to reduce swelling in his brain from injury, Dad seizing in the hospital etc etc etc

Please keep me in your prayers. Singing praises for all my support and relief from such a heavy load of grief!