Columbia by local natives

For my mom. "Colombia" The day after I had counted down all of your breaths down until There were none, were none, were none, were none; A hummingbird crashed right in front of me and I understood all you did for us. You gave, and gave, and gave, and gave. Ohhh, every night I ask myself Am I giving enough? [x3] Am I? If you never knew how much, If you never felt all of my love. I pray now you do, you do, you do, you do. Ohhh, every night I ask myself Am I loving enough? [x3] Am I? Patricia, every night I'll ask myself Am I giving enough? [x3] Am I? Patricia, every night I'll ask myself Am I loving enough? [x3] Am I?

Why Linda's Hope?

In July of 2008, at the age of 22, I received life-altering news. My last parent remaining announced she had stage IV pancreatic cancer. My father passed away from a motorcycle accident when I was 18 years old, after months of witnessing him in ICU, having seizures, a tracheal tube, feeding tubes and , surgeries, and weekly near death occurrences.  During his time in the hospital, he was paralyzed and unable to speak, but once. He counted to five and I missed it. A few months later, he died. Somehow, I managed to take my SATs, graduate high school and go to college.

My mom, Linda was the only parent I had left. I knew the pain of pancreatic cancer because it took my grandmothers life a few years prior. My brother and I could not help but scream and cry. We attempted to control ourselves as  much as in front of our dying mother. There are not words to describe the trauma faced as you watch a loved one battle cancer. My mother was healthy, non-smoker, non-drinker and lively woman. How could she have cancer? She rapidly lost weight. She dwindled away before our eyes. Her hollow face, dry skin, and skeletal figure at just 88 pounds,  5’7 still haunts me, which was identical to my grandmother’s rapid demise.

I was in my final semester of college at Auburn University and wanted to leave to spend time with my terminally ill mom. However, education was most important to her, as she was a teacher for 33 years. She insisted that I finish my semester. On my graduation day, after the ceremony, my brother, sister-in-law and she were driving home to Georgia, where my mom became violently ill. She began vomiting and her illness increased. The next day, I drove to see her and would remain at home with her until her death. When I got home, I thought she was not going to make it. We took her to the hospital and found that her colon had ruptured. Somehow, through a previous surgery, scar tissue had caused this major  setback.

My mom never fully recovered from that incident and lost her battle to pancreatic cancer on April 6, 2009. She cried for hours before her death because she did not want to leave her children. She fought with all she had until her final breath. I do not know why she was taken, but that's not for me to say. I do know that Linda’s Hope will change the outcome for other families by continuing to raise funding for research for early detection, better treatment options, and finding a cure.

I got married this past February with no parents at the age of 27. Although, I have been without them now for four years, they are my thoughts and dreams daily. The pain and loss from losing all my grandparents and parents, has been relentless. I have to believe I am here for a greater purpose, I believe that purpose to be to fight for others, and to fight for my family that can no longer have a life to fight for.

After my mom's death, I packed up our family home. It was not fair or right to burden the weight of a whole family torn apart, but somehow I did. It was excruciating pain to be in the house I knew for my entire life, without the people I shared it with. My brother was in Dallas with his wife. My mom's friends came together to help, but many days I was in the house alone, collecting memories from anything I could. I still have my family's furniture and photo albums and I suppose those and the memories will help my future children know their mom's side of the family.

Knowing that both my grandmother and mother died from pancreatic cancer, the doctors and I have my health to monitor. Due to the lack of funding for this fatal cancer, there is no only early detection. I can get CT scans, or MRIs every year to keep a watch, but that's it. This cancer scares me. The fear and pain of what I have seen, has caused me to fight it, even before/if I have it.

After my mother's death, I moved to Nashville. I started to search for pancreatic cancer organizations to become involved with and could not find anything. For November, Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, there was not an event to attend, or a group to meet. So, I decided that had to change. I began to formulate a non-profit with a group of friends, in my mother’s name, "Linda's Hope".

By May of 2010, 500 hundred people young adults learned about pancreatic cancer at a rooftop cocktail party in Nashville. Linda's Hope raised $30,000 at our first fundraiser and people quickly learned the urgency for our cause. Pancreatic cancer's five-year survival rate is at 6%. 75% of those diagnosed die within the first year. Our color is purple and we need to be heard!

We recently donated $100,000 to Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center for pancreatic cancer research. We continue to grow and create hope. Our charity is different. We are not a group of retirees, we are a group of young and energetic adults who are giving countless hours of our time for free to change the course of pancreatic cancer.

Memories and Future Doings

My heart has been heavy this week. Not in a depression (praise God) sort of way.

Many times people ask me, why do you think some days are harder than others? What brought this on?

Or even though people do know my story, they often forget. The puzzle pieces are not connected, as to why I may not enjoy certain moments in life as much as others are, or conversations.

Sometimes, my reality has been tragedy. Discussing accidents in gory details or cancer is not necessarily the best conversation to be had for those that have faced it.

I like to believe my heavy heart is preparing me. My soul is preparing me for someone who needs my sensitivity and vulnerability. Perhaps, another person who is losing a parent, or someone affected by pancreatic cancer.

However, some of it is simply logical. The past several months have been unusual, in that, three of my closest friends all got engaged and have/are getting married. Which, of course brings tears of joys to my eyes from them. Not only are they getting married, but I got married this past February. I must say, the day of my wedding was completely perfect. No longings for my parents. I felt at peace, which was a blessing I will cherish forever. I have a new family. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel for Taylor and his amazing family!

A month after my wedding, Brittany was getting married. It was extremely emotional for me. Her parents and her had beautiful intimate moments that brought tears to every one's eyes. I was triggered...I remembered what that was like. I missed it. Brittany laid in her mother's lap in wedding dress on the couch and at that very moment, I broke down. I felt like heart sink and I wanted to burst out in despair. I felt like a little girl again, who wanted to her mom to hold her. I remembered every detail of my mother- her smell, her laugh, her touch...at that moment. My favorite thing was to lay in her lap when I was younger. Nothing felt more comforting. It's special to remember those things because it really does bring you back to a memory that you think you'll never reach again. At the same time, I miss her so much! No one loves like a mother to a child.

Then, in walks her father for the, "first look" and he broke down. Gosh, my dad was no "cryer"- only saw him cry twice and one was the loss of his mother, but I am 100% sure that he would have lost it, too. 

The way my father loved and looked at me cannot be replaced. I was his little girl and anyone who knew my dad, knew about his children. We were his pride and joy. Who wouldn't miss that?

So you ask, why are you sad today? Why today? What brought this on?

I think that as time passes and I do move on that you may suspect that these longings have left me. However, as anyone who has lost a parent would say, they never leave you. You might be past the "grieving" stage and move into a healthy new routine, but I did not choose for them to leave me. 

Now back to the weddings, I have been to countless wedding since their passing and most of the time, I am fine. BUT-I love these girls and their families as my own, but I realize I am not their own. There's something missing there in my heart that once was.  It is bittersweet. I am thankful for the sister-like friendships we have because without them as sisters, I would not be who I am today or where I am today.

To go along with simple explanations of why my parents are on the forefront of my mind some days, it's dreams. In my subconscious, my parents have never left me. I do not understand how the mind works, as I do not think it is ever meant to be mastered by anyone other than God, but it makes a lot of sense to me that my parents have not left my brain. 

And yeah, there are those things called, "triggers" that remind you of them that randomly occur.

A few songs that reflect my feelings:

Local Natives (Singer, Kelcey Ayer lost his mother and wrote these to her)

"Three Months"

"Columbia"

Holly Williams

"Gone Away from Me"

I highly suggest you look up the lyrics and listen along.

Well, I am going to say that my heart was preparing for a pancreatic cancer patient today. I found out that a man is currently getting treatment for the disease through his wife. Immediately, my heart grew heavier. I had to do something. Today, I worked on a special purple care package for them and I thought, "Would Mom and I have liked this?" and "What did Mom need?" Oh my goodness...."What did I need?" The memories came rolling in. I was addicted to "calming" products: lotions, body washes, candles, etc

Then, I remembered how much you need during your long doctors appointments, chemo and all the other terrible things that go along with cancer...

I remembered it all and I had the realization that this family needs me to remember. What a terrible thing to endure.

As usual, my passion for Linda's Hope just lit up and my heart was thankful. www.lindashope.org

Loss

"Goodbye"
Patty Griffin

Occured to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
well, I guess it takes while
For someone to really disappear
And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
the sky was bright, and wide, and blue

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in
'Cause you can't make somebody see
By the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away

But I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

The grief is passing

Each morning has gotten easier to rise. I don't wake up gasping for air like I once did. Peace has settled in my soul and I can see that life without my parents has become the norm. Not that I'm grateful, that life without them has become my reality, but grateful that it does not consume every part of my being.

It's hard to say the exact day that I realized I could see the future without them in it. After all, I did not have a choice. However, I did have a choice to see that there was a future beyond missing them everyday.

I started to ponder upon : What do I have to look forward to? A new family? A new love? A future.

The future can feel frightening. What if I lose someone again? What if  I get pancreatic cancer? What if someone never loves me enough to marry me? What if, what if, what if...

Isn't it funny how every day brings so many new thoughts and emotions? One day, I can feel completely hopeless and the next day, I feel I have EVERYTHING to look forward to. When I get to rock bottom, I remember: tomorrow you might have hope again.

I have to believe in others' love for me and trust in God. I have to wait and wait and wait. Sometimes, I feel so alone and tired of doing a lot on my own. There has been so much to process over the years. I look forward to the day that the processing has relieved, as the grief has. One day at a time... One step at a time.

Some of the images I still battle are: watching my mom's body be put into a body bag, her dried out eyes, as she was dying, Dad's skull being removed to reduce swelling in his brain from injury, Dad seizing in the hospital etc etc etc

Please keep me in your prayers. Singing praises for all my support and relief from such a heavy load of grief!

"I'm Sensitive" -Jewel

"I'm Sensitive"

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we'll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
It's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Wish You Well

For anyone who has lost...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtjd-Qtrz-E