Many times people ask me, why do you think some days are harder than others? What brought this on?
Or even though people do know my story, they often forget. The puzzle pieces are not connected, as to why I may not enjoy certain moments in life as much as others are, or conversations.
Sometimes, my reality has been tragedy. Discussing accidents in gory details or cancer is not necessarily the best conversation to be had for those that have faced it.
I like to believe my heavy heart is preparing me. My soul is preparing me for someone who needs my sensitivity and vulnerability. Perhaps, another person who is losing a parent, or someone affected by pancreatic cancer.
However, some of it is simply logical. The past several months have been unusual, in that, three of my closest friends all got engaged and have/are getting married. Which, of course brings tears of joys to my eyes from them. Not only are they getting married, but I got married this past February. I must say, the day of my wedding was completely perfect. No longings for my parents. I felt at peace, which was a blessing I will cherish forever. I have a new family. I cannot tell you how blessed I feel for Taylor and his amazing family!
A month after my wedding, Brittany was getting married. It was extremely emotional for me. Her parents and her had beautiful intimate moments that brought tears to every one's eyes. I was triggered...I remembered what that was like. I missed it. Brittany laid in her mother's lap in wedding dress on the couch and at that very moment, I broke down. I felt like heart sink and I wanted to burst out in despair. I felt like a little girl again, who wanted to her mom to hold her. I remembered every detail of my mother- her smell, her laugh, her touch...at that moment. My favorite thing was to lay in her lap when I was younger. Nothing felt more comforting. It's special to remember those things because it really does bring you back to a memory that you think you'll never reach again. At the same time, I miss her so much! No one loves like a mother to a child.
Then, in walks her father for the, "first look" and he broke down. Gosh, my dad was no "cryer"- only saw him cry twice and one was the loss of his mother, but I am 100% sure that he would have lost it, too.
The way my father loved and looked at me cannot be replaced. I was his little girl and anyone who knew my dad, knew about his children. We were his pride and joy. Who wouldn't miss that?
So you ask, why are you sad today? Why today? What brought this on?
I think that as time passes and I do move on that you may suspect that these longings have left me. However, as anyone who has lost a parent would say, they never leave you. You might be past the "grieving" stage and move into a healthy new routine, but I did not choose for them to leave me.
Now back to the weddings, I have been to countless wedding since their passing and most of the time, I am fine. BUT-I love these girls and their families as my own, but I realize I am not their own. There's something missing there in my heart that once was. It is bittersweet. I am thankful for the sister-like friendships we have because without them as sisters, I would not be who I am today or where I am today.
To go along with simple explanations of why my parents are on the forefront of my mind some days, it's dreams. In my subconscious, my parents have never left me. I do not understand how the mind works, as I do not think it is ever meant to be mastered by anyone other than God, but it makes a lot of sense to me that my parents have not left my brain.
And yeah, there are those things called, "triggers" that remind you of them that randomly occur.
A few songs that reflect my feelings:
Local Natives (Singer, Kelcey Ayer lost his mother and wrote these to her)
"Three Months"
"Columbia"
Holly Williams
"Gone Away from Me"
I highly suggest you look up the lyrics and listen along.
Well, I am going to say that my heart was preparing for a pancreatic cancer patient today. I found out that a man is currently getting treatment for the disease through his wife. Immediately, my heart grew heavier. I had to do something. Today, I worked on a special purple care package for them and I thought, "Would Mom and I have liked this?" and "What did Mom need?" Oh my goodness...."What did I need?" The memories came rolling in. I was addicted to "calming" products: lotions, body washes, candles, etc
Then, I remembered how much you need during your long doctors appointments, chemo and all the other terrible things that go along with cancer...
I remembered it all and I had the realization that this family needs me to remember. What a terrible thing to endure.
As usual, my passion for Linda's Hope just lit up and my heart was thankful. www.lindashope.org
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