We're not doing well.

This is the hardest thing to go through. I've seen my dad wither away in front of my eyes and now my mother. I don't say that out of bitterness, but out of concern. I know the effects of these images all too well. 

 I don't want to remember my mom like this, as a dying cancer patient. I want to remember who she really was, what she really looked like, and share her final days with quality time together. I don't want to remember her days of dying, like I do with my dad, but I suppose that it comes along with being here for the two that brought me into this world. I am grateful to have been able to share time with mom, but please pray that these haunting images are not the ones that stay with me forever. I want to remember the woman that was my mother, my closest friend.

Last night, my mom was completely out of it and has no idea what was going on. She is beyond overwhelmed, as you can imagine. Watching her struggle is like being in a nightmare, but I can't wake up. There are no words to explain the emotional challenges of this time. There is no way that I could even try to explain what she looks like, acts like, or the images that I will have of what cancer has done to her sweet mind and body. I am absolutely heartbroken.

I know you all are praying and I can't tell you enough times how thankful I am. Please please please keep praying. I know our Heavenly Father will prevail through all of this darkness. I know He is faithful and good. I just wish that the evilness of this world and enemy would give us just one day of rest, as the Kingdom of God shines so brightly that all these unbearable emotions would turn into love, peace, fellowship and hope.

CT scan results

Mom's cancer has spread rapidly(all over her stomach, two tumors, lymph nodes), she has a blood clot, and hospice will begin asap. The oncologist has told us there is nothing else he can do. Any sort of treatment he can offer will not be effective at this point. Without chemotherapy, she should begin to feel stronger in the days to come, but his also means the cancer will completely dominate my mom's body quickly.

to come...

 

Today, mom got a blood transfusion and her IV fluids (she has gone everyday for these this week). Her attitude has been much better since Tuesday; even though she is still hardly eating and is in a tremendous amount of pain. Right now, we are trying to find a full-time nurse and a care/hospice minister. Also, "Meals on Wheels" is going to start coming by- thank goodness. Tomorrow she goes in for a CT scan and we'll get the results on Monday and discuss them with the oncologist.

He wins.

Jesus Calling: "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day, I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties."

The amount of heartache that comes along with watching my mother die is indescribable. You know, I never really thought much about what stress does to your body, or knew what to think about all this subconscious nonsense. Let me just tell you that everything that has ever hurt has resurfaced throughout these last eight to ten months. It has been hellish to the utmost degree. I have been shat on by so many(lesson learned: smile at people. be kind. seriously. you never know what kind of day/week/year/life they are having), despite my circumstances. People that want to cause harm, will cause harm no matter who you are, or what you are going through and that just sucks. At the same time, I have realized how far kindness goes. The train of blessings that comes from one child of God has great victory over all the evil-doers. Please pray for lost. Please pray for the found.

Anyway, going back to all this body and mind craziness- When I dream, I dream terrible things. My mind knows more than I think it does. It takes all of this in and shoves it into nightmares of every fear, weirdness, heartache, etc. It's really strange. Also, my body is constantly freaking out. It just doesn't know how to keep up. It screams for sugar all the time. Sugar is no good later on, but I guess it's better than not eating.

Then, I think about my panic mode- my chest getting tight. Tingles. Aches. Blurred vision. Heart-racing. Whew, it's just intensely scary.

I am realizing that I am angry, hurt and feel alone, BUT I am not alone, ever. AND feeling angry and hurt means nothing. Those are feelings. My circumstances will change those feelings in the days to come. I will have life away from this whirlwind of emotions of despair...I have to hope. I have to trust that this life is not mine and that I have powerful direction from a lovestory that will never be defeated. Jesus wants me to wait for goodness in all things. He wins.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well, here I am: alone and sick with a virus. I have endless things to take care of and I am running low. My chest pain from my panic is driving me crazy. The nurse did not call today and she was supposed to come today. Mom is in and out of the doctor/hospital all week. Days are getting shorter and shorter with her time here. Please pray we have a spiritual leader guide us!!! We can't do this alone.

up up up

Mom is in an insane amount of pain tonight. She is not feeling well AT ALL and if mom says that, we know it's serious. She has been crying and cries even harder when she knows she has to eat. Please pray for her sweet spirit- it needs some lifting, ok actually a lot of lifting!

One of my very favorite pictures

Update

Mom had her oncologist appointment yesterday for a more current update. Turns out, the doctor wants her on chemo for nine weeks and then have a follow-up CT scan, so we can know is if it is or isn't helping stabilize or kill the cancer. Either she should stop all treatment or continue for the remainder of her life to keep the cancer more controlled.


I took this as good news, in a way. At least the doctor believes she has nine weeks left in her. However, also bad news because he is in fear of the cancer taking over completely during this time without the chemo, as it has already spread and effected her intensely in a short amount of time.


Also, her lab results from her blood work showed a low red blood cell count, so they gave her a shot for that.


Overall, the goal of the appointment was to get some pain medicine issues resolved and now mom has started a new medicine. We're hoping her pain lessens soon because I think the pain above all is the most difficult thing for mom to cope with. She hates not being able to leave her bed and we hate seeing her suffer.


As always, please pray for weight gain (she has continued to drop the pounds), peace, hope, love, support, positivity, and relief from some of this pain: physically and emotionally. Please pray for our family and friends. As imaginable, we are really taking this hard and need supernatural strength. Thank you so much.