He wins.

Jesus Calling: "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day, I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties."

The amount of heartache that comes along with watching my mother die is indescribable. You know, I never really thought much about what stress does to your body, or knew what to think about all this subconscious nonsense. Let me just tell you that everything that has ever hurt has resurfaced throughout these last eight to ten months. It has been hellish to the utmost degree. I have been shat on by so many(lesson learned: smile at people. be kind. seriously. you never know what kind of day/week/year/life they are having), despite my circumstances. People that want to cause harm, will cause harm no matter who you are, or what you are going through and that just sucks. At the same time, I have realized how far kindness goes. The train of blessings that comes from one child of God has great victory over all the evil-doers. Please pray for lost. Please pray for the found.

Anyway, going back to all this body and mind craziness- When I dream, I dream terrible things. My mind knows more than I think it does. It takes all of this in and shoves it into nightmares of every fear, weirdness, heartache, etc. It's really strange. Also, my body is constantly freaking out. It just doesn't know how to keep up. It screams for sugar all the time. Sugar is no good later on, but I guess it's better than not eating.

Then, I think about my panic mode- my chest getting tight. Tingles. Aches. Blurred vision. Heart-racing. Whew, it's just intensely scary.

I am realizing that I am angry, hurt and feel alone, BUT I am not alone, ever. AND feeling angry and hurt means nothing. Those are feelings. My circumstances will change those feelings in the days to come. I will have life away from this whirlwind of emotions of despair...I have to hope. I have to trust that this life is not mine and that I have powerful direction from a lovestory that will never be defeated. Jesus wants me to wait for goodness in all things. He wins.