I have been battling my anxiety all night, but it has gotten so bad that I had to take medicine to prevent a panic attack (I'm alone, this would not be pretty).
I just took Buckley out to go potty and all I could do was run around the yard. I was thinking that running would release some of these emotions. Then, I just plopped down into a little ball. I stared up into the sky. I felt/feel so anxious that I am not able to sit still. I decided to put my head into my knees, squeezing my arms tightly, praying, "Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me." Gripping for anything real. I was just whispering, begging for the pain and anxiety to leave. I realized that I was talking to God. I was begging for a break. BEGGING. Also, I was wanting to run away and have a whole new life. Obviously, I know this was a fleeting thought, but it seems so appealing.
When my mind and body start to grasp the pain at its fullest, it is then, of course, I long for Mom. I miss her sweet voice, her gentle hands and her loving heart. Tonight, I started to ask her to come visit me. I just wanted her to sit with me as I felt this deep unbearable pain and anxiety. I just wanted to see her. Normally, the idea of a spiritual visit from a loved one isn't welcomed, but at this moment I felt as though I needed her. I kept flashing back to all of the times I screamed and cried in her arms. This time I just did it alone. Mom always told me to never cry alone. I want to believe she was there with me.
2 comments:
Meredith, I am so sorry, I am praying for you right now. God loves you, and He knows you when no one else does and when no one understands, He does not take away gold and replace it with silver. He has something wonderful in store for you. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I love you and miss you. I wish I could be there.
Mere- I wish I could be there for you too! It is so hard to read what you're going through and not be there in person for a hug. I am always praying and thinking about you. I can't imagine myself being as strong as you are after all you've been through/going through. Just know that you have so many great friends that love you and wish that we could do something to take away your pain. I hope I can see you soon, but until then I miss you and love you! :)
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