Grief is lonely.

Lately, I have been battling emotions left and right. I feel this explosion of anger at times- wanting to scream and hit things(not people, no worries). Then, I just wail for about five minutes. These feelings aren't new. They are familiar. I have had loss pretty steady over my life. Family, affairs, separation, broken relationships, abandonment, and friends, even my dog. It seems like no one understands. No one.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelming anxiety/stress, I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like the kind of anxiety that you would feel before a huge exam or public speaking.

Then, it can feel like the kind when you get news someone close to you is dying or has died. Your heart drops and your chest tightens. Jaw clinched. Dry throat.

Mom is really dead. She is really really gone. I will not see her soon(unless God strikes me down). How is that supposed to make sense? How am I supposed to know life without a constant part of my being?

Every hour of every day, I get these shock emotions. The simplest way I can express it is to tell you that it's similar to when you are in a funk. You know, when you are just in a bad mood for no reason at all? No one likes those days. Well, grief is like that for me. I feel things out of no where and can't put my finger on why. It's hard to be around people beccause they take it personally if I don't want to talk or smile.

Mom has been unreachable for six months. It seems after the first week she was gone, everyone just assumes I'm over it or should be over it. Wouldn't that be a miracle?