Approaching the one year mark

Last year, around this time I was in fear everyday that I would walk into my mother's bedroom and she would no longer be breathing when I checked in on her. She had gotten so sick that she only really wanted to be left alone in her bedroom, mostly in her bed. It hurt her to talk, move or to have anyone touch her.

Also, I can remember that I got sick from some sort of virus and because of the cancer living in my mom's body, I could not get close to her. It killed me that I could possibly make her even more sick. I knew our time together would soon end, but I did not want to be the reason she went faster. I could not hold her, or feed her. I had to stay far away. Paul, my boyfriend helped adminster her pain medicine and Ginny, one my mom's best friends stayed mostly everyday with us near the end. Ginny was my mother's earth angel.

As I started to get a little better, Mom got a lot worse. She had her final doctor's visit on a Monday or Tuesday and a week later she died. Literally, seven days after hospice was ordered by her oncologist, she left us all. That fast.

I will never be able to tell you in words how terrible my mom's battle with cancer was. 11 months later, I still struggle with the haunting images of what it did to her. Throughout those heartbreaking months with Mom, I experienced the human body in ways that I did not know possible- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Having had the experiences, I will not be the same ever again. In fact, right now, I continue to learn from it as I witness life go on like it never happened. As a generalization, people my age have not experienced this pain. I would even say, people at many ages have never experienced the details of what I saw throughout my mother's battle with pancreatic cancer. However, human pain is inevitable. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know just how painful it could be. Trivial things seem to anger me at times and other times that is all I want. Grief will never be understood.

Because of the great need of support that I now desire, I see life in a new way. It is not as safe or comfortable. I am parent-less. I don't feel like someone will always be there. I don't know that someone will always be there, like I did with my mother. A child without a mother is a tragic thing. I think at any age, we feel like a child again when our mother dies.

I know that I will give as much as I can do for those who have experienced tragedy because of the need I know that is there. I thank God that there are others who understand or relate, even if there are only a few. I am thankful for just one.

Please God, give me just one everyday. The days that are lonely and too much to bear, would You be so near.