These Hard Times

"These Hard Times"

By: NEEDTOBREATHE

Give me something brighter

Give me something I can see

Give me something vicious

Give me something I can be

Give me all the love and peace

To end these wars

Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

We hide like thieves in shadows

Scared of the sun

'Cause we know the light will find us

Us and all we've done

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the faith to believe in these hard times

She was not ready

I keep thinking how my mom was not ready to die. We felt there were many memories to come. Especially, she did not want to leave her two children. She fought for eight months to stay with us. Eight months is a long time for a Pancreatic Cancer patient. She did everything she could to be with my brother and me, until it was no longer in her power.

I can remember learning that Mom was given a short matter of time to live: 2-6 months. Hospice was ordered and a week later she died.

In that last week, I knew she only had a matter of days left with us on earth. After she got the news of hospice, she shut down. Can you blame her? If I was told that there was no longer hope for my health and the my life was ending, I would want it to end as fast as possible. However, I was not the one carrying that burden- it was a sick mother with two kids she did not want to abandon.

Not only was she fearful of death, she was in tremendous pain. I can't imagine how much she must have prayed to live and how much she prayed to die simultaneously.

Vividly, I remember sitting in Mom's room avoiding the topic of her death sentence. She was trying to watch American Idol, but would fall asleep every few seconds. Ginny, a close family friend and I knew she was not doing well. Mom never would miss a second of American Idol and now, she was sleeping through her favorite show.

As she lifted her eyelids, she gazed over at me with precious, loving eyes. Supernaturally, at that very moment, I gained the courage to ask her where she wanted her funeral, how she wanted to be buried, etc.

Mom was so calm and peaceful. We had a wonderful conversation about something that was a complete nightmare, but was now our reality-Worse than a nightmare.

That was the last coherent conversation I had with my mother. After that American Idol episode and our funeral discussion, she checked out. Whether, the cancer got to her brain or the malnourishment overtook her, we do not know. The last week was more than any of us could bear and I pray that no one else has to see what this cancer does to the mind and body. AND what death does to the rest of us. Until you experience death closely, your life remains with a missing piece. We all have to experience it throughout our existence. Some in ways more pleasant than others, but no matter what the circumstance of death, it will never leave you the same.

I pray for all those walking in the valleys tonight...

We need hope!

As I spend most of my time these days fighting Pancreatic Cancer for others, I can get hopeless. I am human. It is like anything else, it is easy to feel like you are working so hard for no results. I know that is not entirely true, but as I meet with different people everyday and study this cancer, it can really be depressing. That is an understatement at best.

Pancreatic Cancer has a 95% mortality rate. Do you want to hear you have it? Do you want to hear your mom/wife/dad/brother/sister/husband etc has it? I am pretty sure you are thinking: "No", following with a knot in your stomach.

Not only do almost all die from this cancer, the battle is gruesome. Yet, only 2% (In 2009 only 2% of the National Cancer Institute's budget of 5 BILLION dollar budget was spent on pancreatic cancer) is given to Pancreatic Cancer research. How does this make sense? It doesn't. It makes me LIVID. Anyone who has experienced this disease, or that has a "walk a mile is someone else's shoes" mentality gets that this is absolutely NOT right.

The correlations are unfair. They are limiting the cancer because no one talks about it. No one wants to hear the statistics. Well, if those who have died from this cancer were here today, trust me, you'd be hearing about it: Just like we hear about breast cancer and the horrific fight through chemo. Not only do Pancreatic Cancer patients go through all of that, they also die. They fight and have no results. I am generalizing here, because again, the percentage is 95%.

PLEASE- I AM BEGGING- be aware that this cancer NEEDS help. We need hope. Pancreatic Cancer needs research funding.

Trust me, I do not want to think about this cancer either. I saw my precious mother die in front of my eyes because of it, but we have to do something.