She was not ready

I keep thinking how my mom was not ready to die. We felt there were many memories to come. Especially, she did not want to leave her two children. She fought for eight months to stay with us. Eight months is a long time for a Pancreatic Cancer patient. She did everything she could to be with my brother and me, until it was no longer in her power.

I can remember learning that Mom was given a short matter of time to live: 2-6 months. Hospice was ordered and a week later she died.

In that last week, I knew she only had a matter of days left with us on earth. After she got the news of hospice, she shut down. Can you blame her? If I was told that there was no longer hope for my health and the my life was ending, I would want it to end as fast as possible. However, I was not the one carrying that burden- it was a sick mother with two kids she did not want to abandon.

Not only was she fearful of death, she was in tremendous pain. I can't imagine how much she must have prayed to live and how much she prayed to die simultaneously.

Vividly, I remember sitting in Mom's room avoiding the topic of her death sentence. She was trying to watch American Idol, but would fall asleep every few seconds. Ginny, a close family friend and I knew she was not doing well. Mom never would miss a second of American Idol and now, she was sleeping through her favorite show.

As she lifted her eyelids, she gazed over at me with precious, loving eyes. Supernaturally, at that very moment, I gained the courage to ask her where she wanted her funeral, how she wanted to be buried, etc.

Mom was so calm and peaceful. We had a wonderful conversation about something that was a complete nightmare, but was now our reality-Worse than a nightmare.

That was the last coherent conversation I had with my mother. After that American Idol episode and our funeral discussion, she checked out. Whether, the cancer got to her brain or the malnourishment overtook her, we do not know. The last week was more than any of us could bear and I pray that no one else has to see what this cancer does to the mind and body. AND what death does to the rest of us. Until you experience death closely, your life remains with a missing piece. We all have to experience it throughout our existence. Some in ways more pleasant than others, but no matter what the circumstance of death, it will never leave you the same.

I pray for all those walking in the valleys tonight...