"I'm Sensitive" -Jewel

"I'm Sensitive"

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we'll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
It's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Wish You Well

For anyone who has lost...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtjd-Qtrz-E

Mindy Smith: songs about her mom dying of cancer

One Moment More

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

Long Island Shores

Oh my soul craves to go home
to long island shores again
take me back to old north Walk?
to breathe in the harbor wind.

I'll be leaving Tennessee on the first plane
Sunday gone to my family reunion
There my father preached at the church
on the corner of Old Nickels Road
He raised four children in a green house
we are all well and now we are all grown

There my mother Sharron lies deep in the earth of the long island shores
I will visit her grave and plant yellow roses at her stone

I'll be leaving Tennessee on the first plane
Sunday gone to my family reunion
I'll be leaving
gone to my family reunion
Oh my soul craves to go home.

Faith

"Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul 

And let, let faith arise again, I believe"

Quick update

As much as the last couple of months have dramatically changed one of my closest relationships, it has allowed me to strengthen my others.

Sometimes, you have to let go when someone is affecting your life in a harmful way. I have this motherly nature of wanting to protect those I love. There is no point in trying to "fix" a relationship that will always be broken. People change, circumstances change, life changes and the only constant is time. With that, I repeat: "this too shall pass".

I appreciate my friends more than words can describe. They are my family. I have been blessed with some authentic friendships that remind me of the way Christ wants us to love.

I had the honor of visiting Honduras on a Soles4Souls shoe distribution. We saw a country in chaos, orphans in need, and people who seemed hopeless. The one thing that gave me peace was the overwhelming feeling of love. I was surrounded by a team of people that wanted to give a week of their life away to those who are less fortunate, whether that be financially, relationally, etc, they came to assist strangers in need.

That is the hope I needed. There are people in this broken world that still care about others. There are still people who are inspired by Christ. I needed to be taken away from the superficial-ness of my surroundings to catch just a blink of time that was holy.

The Beatitudes

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,

for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

Wintersong

Wintersong

By: Sarah Mclachlan

{She wrote this after her mom passed away from cancer. My heart tonight...}

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Do it!

"We could all use a power beyond ourselves. But I think there’s a little more to our yearning than a need for power. I suspect what we really need is hope." -Pete Wilson

My bible study and I have been reading a book called, Plan B. (To some of you: No, not about the morning after pill.)

Since, tragedies have hit my life, I have a difficult time with being hopeful in moments where things haven't gone the way I expected. It seemed after each one, I would think that God knew what he was doing and I'd be fine. The truth is, after the past year or so of more taken away from me, I needed to read some of the truths in this book. More than anything, I needed to read that other people have shattered dreams and tragedies too (duh, right? but I have felt very alone in my suffering). I am not alone in my lowest moments. Others have asked the same questions and have been in the same dark places. Wondering: why am I here? What is my purpose? Why go on?

All the while, asking: God, are you really here? I was beginning to wonder if he was even around anymore. Why allow so much pain? I need some joy! If you've ever felt this way- this book really will bring back some hope to your life. It doesn't promise a happy ending, but it does lead you to live your faith.

The stories Pete shares will definitely tug your heart strings and you will not want to put the book down.

Reminded of reality through nightmares

Today is one of those days where the loss of my mom has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last night, I had some of the most morbid, vivid, and heart-breaking dreams. To say it was just a nightmare, would be a lie. The reality is, it happened to me. It happened to her.

There is never a good time for someone you love to tell you they have cancer. It rocks your world. The worst part is for me, is that it did rock my world, and it never stopped spinning. My mom told me she was sick and then she was gone. It was that fast. There was never any hope of having years of her in my future. No dreams of her being at my wedding, or holding her grandchildren. She will miss it all. Most of all, I will miss her. I do miss her.

This may be too much to share, but I look at this site, as an open journal to some of the experiences that come from death. Vulnerability is out...so, take it as it comes. It isn't easy, but it would be worse for me to keep it all in.

I woke myself up as I was dreaming. The dream went something like this: We all knew mom was sick, but she was missing. In my head, I knew she was dead. For some reason, I was removed from being with her the past week and didn't know the things that had happened. Mostly, what I remember is that I went to her bedroom and sat on her bed. I had been going through jewelry and found some crosses. When Mom was sick, she held a cross her friend had given her for comfort. She would would grip it so tightly, even as she slept. Anyway, I went to her bed to look for it because I wanted to have it to remind myself of how much she needed God, and how much I needed her memory. This part of the nightmare is true. However, I felt around for the cross in her sheets and came across something hard (the cross was made of wood) and kept feeling around and knew it was not her cross. It was her arm: her very frail dead arm. Her dead body was in the bed. Immediately, I kept trying to wake up, until finally, I opened my eyes.

I know that is so morbid to share. But the reality for me is, I saw some really haunting things. I saw my mom's body be carried out of my house I grew up in, about 30 minutes after she passed. My mom was hauntingly thin. There was a lot of memory in that nightmare.

I have seen things between my mom and dad's tragedies that many may never see. Some see worse. My hope is that I can be a listening ear or will be able to relate to someone with similar experiences. It is difficult to go through life as a 25 year old, with no one around me to relate to. I know my case is rare in America. I know a couple friends who have lost a parent, but not two. However, I know they are out there. I hope I can reach someone and let them know- I understand the grief and way your world has been changed forever. Sometimes, that is all I need to hear....that someone else gets it. It's hard and it isn't something you can pretend didn't happen. Sometimes, it will get the best of you. You just have to keep going and focus on the things that are great in your life. Believe me, you have things that are.