Last night, I had some of the most morbid, vivid, and heart-breaking dreams. To say it was just a nightmare, would be a lie. The reality is, it happened to me. It happened to her.
There is never a good time for someone you love to tell you they have cancer. It rocks your world. The worst part is for me, is that it did rock my world, and it never stopped spinning. My mom told me she was sick and then she was gone. It was that fast. There was never any hope of having years of her in my future. No dreams of her being at my wedding, or holding her grandchildren. She will miss it all. Most of all, I will miss her. I do miss her.
This may be too much to share, but I look at this site, as an open journal to some of the experiences that come from death. Vulnerability is out...so, take it as it comes. It isn't easy, but it would be worse for me to keep it all in.
I woke myself up as I was dreaming. The dream went something like this: We all knew mom was sick, but she was missing. In my head, I knew she was dead. For some reason, I was removed from being with her the past week and didn't know the things that had happened. Mostly, what I remember is that I went to her bedroom and sat on her bed. I had been going through jewelry and found some crosses. When Mom was sick, she held a cross her friend had given her for comfort. She would would grip it so tightly, even as she slept. Anyway, I went to her bed to look for it because I wanted to have it to remind myself of how much she needed God, and how much I needed her memory. This part of the nightmare is true. However, I felt around for the cross in her sheets and came across something hard (the cross was made of wood) and kept feeling around and knew it was not her cross. It was her arm: her very frail dead arm. Her dead body was in the bed. Immediately, I kept trying to wake up, until finally, I opened my eyes.
I know that is so morbid to share. But the reality for me is, I saw some really haunting things. I saw my mom's body be carried out of my house I grew up in, about 30 minutes after she passed. My mom was hauntingly thin. There was a lot of memory in that nightmare.
I have seen things between my mom and dad's tragedies that many may never see. Some see worse. My hope is that I can be a listening ear or will be able to relate to someone with similar experiences. It is difficult to go through life as a 25 year old, with no one around me to relate to. I know my case is rare in America. I know a couple friends who have lost a parent, but not two. However, I know they are out there. I hope I can reach someone and let them know- I understand the grief and way your world has been changed forever. Sometimes, that is all I need to hear....that someone else gets it. It's hard and it isn't something you can pretend didn't happen. Sometimes, it will get the best of you. You just have to keep going and focus on the things that are great in your life. Believe me, you have things that are.
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