Wintersong

Wintersong

By: Sarah Mclachlan

{She wrote this after her mom passed away from cancer. My heart tonight...}

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Do it!

"We could all use a power beyond ourselves. But I think there’s a little more to our yearning than a need for power. I suspect what we really need is hope." -Pete Wilson

My bible study and I have been reading a book called, Plan B. (To some of you: No, not about the morning after pill.)

Since, tragedies have hit my life, I have a difficult time with being hopeful in moments where things haven't gone the way I expected. It seemed after each one, I would think that God knew what he was doing and I'd be fine. The truth is, after the past year or so of more taken away from me, I needed to read some of the truths in this book. More than anything, I needed to read that other people have shattered dreams and tragedies too (duh, right? but I have felt very alone in my suffering). I am not alone in my lowest moments. Others have asked the same questions and have been in the same dark places. Wondering: why am I here? What is my purpose? Why go on?

All the while, asking: God, are you really here? I was beginning to wonder if he was even around anymore. Why allow so much pain? I need some joy! If you've ever felt this way- this book really will bring back some hope to your life. It doesn't promise a happy ending, but it does lead you to live your faith.

The stories Pete shares will definitely tug your heart strings and you will not want to put the book down.

Reminded of reality through nightmares

Today is one of those days where the loss of my mom has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last night, I had some of the most morbid, vivid, and heart-breaking dreams. To say it was just a nightmare, would be a lie. The reality is, it happened to me. It happened to her.

There is never a good time for someone you love to tell you they have cancer. It rocks your world. The worst part is for me, is that it did rock my world, and it never stopped spinning. My mom told me she was sick and then she was gone. It was that fast. There was never any hope of having years of her in my future. No dreams of her being at my wedding, or holding her grandchildren. She will miss it all. Most of all, I will miss her. I do miss her.

This may be too much to share, but I look at this site, as an open journal to some of the experiences that come from death. Vulnerability is out...so, take it as it comes. It isn't easy, but it would be worse for me to keep it all in.

I woke myself up as I was dreaming. The dream went something like this: We all knew mom was sick, but she was missing. In my head, I knew she was dead. For some reason, I was removed from being with her the past week and didn't know the things that had happened. Mostly, what I remember is that I went to her bedroom and sat on her bed. I had been going through jewelry and found some crosses. When Mom was sick, she held a cross her friend had given her for comfort. She would would grip it so tightly, even as she slept. Anyway, I went to her bed to look for it because I wanted to have it to remind myself of how much she needed God, and how much I needed her memory. This part of the nightmare is true. However, I felt around for the cross in her sheets and came across something hard (the cross was made of wood) and kept feeling around and knew it was not her cross. It was her arm: her very frail dead arm. Her dead body was in the bed. Immediately, I kept trying to wake up, until finally, I opened my eyes.

I know that is so morbid to share. But the reality for me is, I saw some really haunting things. I saw my mom's body be carried out of my house I grew up in, about 30 minutes after she passed. My mom was hauntingly thin. There was a lot of memory in that nightmare.

I have seen things between my mom and dad's tragedies that many may never see. Some see worse. My hope is that I can be a listening ear or will be able to relate to someone with similar experiences. It is difficult to go through life as a 25 year old, with no one around me to relate to. I know my case is rare in America. I know a couple friends who have lost a parent, but not two. However, I know they are out there. I hope I can reach someone and let them know- I understand the grief and way your world has been changed forever. Sometimes, that is all I need to hear....that someone else gets it. It's hard and it isn't something you can pretend didn't happen. Sometimes, it will get the best of you. You just have to keep going and focus on the things that are great in your life. Believe me, you have things that are.