Don't fake it.

“Human beings do not readily admit desperation. When they do, the kingdom of heaven draws near.”

-Philip Yancey

A wave of chaos

Last night I dreamt horrible things about Mom battling Pancreatic Cancer. I have these nightmares every night. They are always different, but sweet Mom is always sick. How disgusting and how unfair!

The peace is that Mom is home in Heaven away from this evil cancer and maybe she can still watch over my brother and me. I guess we won't know that until the day He takes us home. However, Linda's Hope is what I believe we can carry out. I believe my mom would want to see everyone away from cancer, especially this one, as it has taken her mom's life and her own way from her children.

Often, I call out to Mom. Every time I actually do this, I begin to uncontrollably sob. I wonder if the whole apartment complex can hear me. It's the kind of plea for help that is so loud that it can sound like a laughter. The inhales and exhales of short breaths.

Do not think that I have lost my faith or trust in the Lord. I believe if it wasn't for His sweet Holy Spirit, I would have in some way self-destructed. He has saved me.

I have heard and been advised that there is no amount of time that can grant a grief-free life. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Frequently, I see adults tear up as they remember their loved ones that have died. It doesn't leave us and it doesn't define our entire being, but it does change us, making the experience a part of who we are.

There will never be another person like my mom or dad in my life. That is my reality, and others reality that have lost a parent to this disease. Grandparents. Or husbands and wives. Or brother and sisters. Maybe even, children.

The hope is that there are people, like you and me. We have a choice to BE with those in need, HELP those in need, CRY with those in need. We have to hope that there will be an end to this tragedy of hopelessness of those who get diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

I know I am need and I want to make sure I find others who need a heart that is vulnerable enough to sit with them through it all.

Pancreatic Cancer!!!

Hello all! It is really important if you know anyone affected by Pancreatic Cancer in Nashville(patients, survivors, friends, family, etc) to have them contact me. A group of Nashvillians are trying to help those in need and make a change!!!

Raise the Cure

You, who do not want to see pancreatic cancer take the life of one more mother, one more father, one more sister or brother, one more friend, one more person who could make a difference in the lives of hundreds of others. You, who see that raising the cure starts with a significant investment in research to better understand the disease, to create better diagnostics and better treatment. You, who can create progress, create

momentum, and create hope.

Cures Don’t just happen—You make Them happen. You Raise The Cure.

There’s hope for pancreatic cancer patients and

It STARTS with You.

November is National Pancreatic Awareness Month

Grief is lonely.

Lately, I have been battling emotions left and right. I feel this explosion of anger at times- wanting to scream and hit things(not people, no worries). Then, I just wail for about five minutes. These feelings aren't new. They are familiar. I have had loss pretty steady over my life. Family, affairs, separation, broken relationships, abandonment, and friends, even my dog. It seems like no one understands. No one.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelming anxiety/stress, I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like the kind of anxiety that you would feel before a huge exam or public speaking.

Then, it can feel like the kind when you get news someone close to you is dying or has died. Your heart drops and your chest tightens. Jaw clinched. Dry throat.

Mom is really dead. She is really really gone. I will not see her soon(unless God strikes me down). How is that supposed to make sense? How am I supposed to know life without a constant part of my being?

Every hour of every day, I get these shock emotions. The simplest way I can express it is to tell you that it's similar to when you are in a funk. You know, when you are just in a bad mood for no reason at all? No one likes those days. Well, grief is like that for me. I feel things out of no where and can't put my finger on why. It's hard to be around people beccause they take it personally if I don't want to talk or smile.

Mom has been unreachable for six months. It seems after the first week she was gone, everyone just assumes I'm over it or should be over it. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength, 
       an ever-present help in trouble.

    ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

    ³ though its waters roar and foam 
       and the mountains quake with their surging. 

    ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, 
       the holy place where the Most High dwells.

    ⁵ God is within her, she will not fall; 
       God will help her at break of day.

    ⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; 
       he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

    ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done, 
       the desolations he has brought on the earth.

    ⁹ He makes wars cease 
       to the ends of the earth. 
       He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; 
       he burns the shields with fire.

    ¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God; 
       I will be exalted among the nations, 
       I will be exalted in the earth."

    ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.