Chemo update

My mom starts chemo on Tuesday! This is much earlier than expected post-surgery. Pray that the medicine performs miracles! 

My mom went to Houston today...

She went to MD Anderson for the day and found out that she can start chemo in about a month, which is at least a month sooner than expected! Praise God! Please pray that the chemo gets rid of the spot on her liver and abdomen wall and shrinks the tumor in her pancreas, so that she can be a candidate for the Wipple procedure. Thank you all for praying with my family.

Worth it All

I don't understand Your ways

Oh but I will give You my song

Give You all my praise

You hold on to all my pain

With it You are pulling me closer

And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

Is all that I need

I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

-Rita Springer

Thanks, Shelley!

He said let it go

My life truly has been stripped from any sort of comfort. Everywhere I seek it, it fails. The only comfort that I receive is from God's amazing grace.

What I can't stand about myself, is that often I believe I take advantage of His grace. Then, I realize that the only way that could be true is if Satan has a stronghold over me: guilt.

Jesus came to take me away from the pain of guilt. Guilt is not of the Lord. Holiness is of the Lord. The power of the Holy Spirit comes and warns you of evil and then even when you fall, He says, "I'm here to catch you. Let me love you." I pray to be like this, like Christ.

For the past six years, I have learned that there is no where I can run to escape the pain of tragedy or of my sins. I am still haunted by those memories because things trigger the past daily. Every second, I could slip into darkness, and I do more than I want to, but I also know that every second I will praise His name for ALL that He has done in my little bitty life.

I will never be satisfied by this world, or with people(at least not all the time, we all know I love me some human interaction) and that has to be why I can't find the comfort that I long for, because I am looking in a world that cannot offer me the grace and love of God. I must look up.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." -1 John 4:4

I have an unbelievable amount of peace from just being alone with Him. I cannot imagine life right now without Him granting me His ways.

I promise this to you: if there is one thing I wish and pray all human beings would understand is that you must lose control and know that you are not in control. You must give it to Him, because He has it anyway. There is nothing you can do or say to change life or death matters, or sometimes how people act or feel when they make decisions that hurt you and themselves. We would all live a life of peace if we really would just surrender our burdens to him-to let go and really mean it. We would all be free! Give them to him and he will satisfy. I have had so much joy through these times because I try my best to let him have it because I sure know I don't want the responsibility of what I'm going through. Who knows where I would be, or what I would do.

Don't get me wrong, it's a constant sacrifice, but it's so good. I don't want to imagine my mind without letting go.

I pray this for us all right now(it's an idea from a little something I read, I am not but I know I AM):

"I am not, but God knows my name.

I am not, but He has pursued me in His love.

I am not, but I know the Creator of the universe."

It's all His anyway.

Constant Chaos

I am in Alpharetta with my mom and it's good to see her. It feels like it's been a long time.

My mom failed to mention to me that during her bypass surgery that the doctor has found cancer on her liver and in on her abdomen wall. It has officially metathesized(She's a stage 4).

I just found out today from one of my mom's friends and there are a lot of things my mom is avoiding: test results, telling me what the doctors say, how much pain she is in, etc. I don't blame her. No matter which way you look at it, she is right smack in the middle of a battle, in every possible way. I never knew how much loved ones go through when someone in their family has cancer. Everyone's life goes on this hold...we have to be there. Every person involved in my mom's life directly right now is being thrown around in every direction. We truly love her and I pray she feels and knows how we are surrendering this burden to the Lord and not seeking our own interests. I don't know if that makes sense, but it just causes a continuous ache to see such suffering, but we aren't the ones with the disease. We are carrying the burden, to make the load lighter for her, not only because we are called to do this, but because we feel Christ in us, carrying us along. Praise Him for his love inside of us.

Also, my little baby puppy Charlie needs a new home. I will miss him dearly, but I know I am not capable of taking care of him right now.

It's hard to believe how fast life changes and the new decisions that follow. The only thing that is solid is the rock God has placed my feet on. He will hold me up. 

I am handling it the best way that I know how and many new doors are opening. 

Please know that if I could be 100% who I want to be, I would be. The only person I can be is the one that Christ is transforming and it may not always look healthy or pretty, but if it did, then you better believe that it isn't real.

I have my good days and I have my terrible ones. I'm only human. I know I will let you all down, or let myself down, or you will let me down, but that is why I have declared that Jesus Christ is my Savior and no one else.

"You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." -Psalm 18:36

So I'll keep asking, for Your kingdom to come

"Not my will or my plans or 

the way I want it

I'm so tired of my hands in the way

So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father, today

Lord teach me how to pray"

My mom is doing really well recovering from  her surgery. She is coming home to Alpharetta tomorrow and will be able to go through chemo there! I'll be able to see her a lot more, and of course more of her friends are there, too. 

The Father blows my mind. He is revealing incredible things to me everyday, even though, I feel worthless most of the time. I know that I am not worthless. Christ is working this out. Me out.

My mom surprised me to today with some news today: Her body is healing really quickly, so that means that within the next four weeks, she could start chemo! That's basically two months before we thought it was possible for her!!! Thank you all for fighting daily for her and for me. God is really working through this situation. How could He not?! God always reveals during the most trying times, in the most intense ways. I don't always want to ask for Him to do what he does, but I'm always excited to see more of his kingdom. 

More of Him, less of me.

Those dang feelings feel good today

I love when truth and feelings have divine alignment. I wish I felt this way everyday! I guess it really wouldn't be faith if it was that easy, right? I just wanted you all to know that I'm having a good day! I really mean it too. 

Most of you know that emotionally my life could sometimes be illustrated like this artwork, but I think we could all relate to painful emotions taking over. 

The Lord has revealed a lot to me this morning: "If I should say, "My foot has slipped," Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multipy within me, Your consolations delight my soul." - Psalm 94:18-19

I don't have to call or share my heart with anyone. If I want to, I will know that I can. BUT what is even better is that I learning because I have a relationship with Christ, no matter who rejects me, I have Him and He always wants me...

He wants you too. Know that He always wants to hear what's on your heart, even if you feel or think that no one else wants to- He really really does.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes when thought refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7

The World is Wide Open

There is a power in poverty that breaks principalities

it brings the authorities down to their knees

There is a brewing frustration and an ageless temptation

to fight for control through manipulation

The God of the Kingdoms and the God of Creation, God of the Nations

sent this revelation through the homeless, penniless, Jesus, the Son

The poor will inherit the Kingdom to come

Where will we turn when our world falls apart and all of the treasures we

stored in our barns, can't buy the Kingdom of     God?

And who will praise when we've praised all our lives, men who build

kingdoms and men who build fame, but heave does not know their name?

And what are we going to fear, when all the remains is a God on the throne

with a child in his arms and love in His eyes?

And the sounds of His heart cries...

Take us way beyond religion

Way beyond the minds of man

Take us way beyond religion

Take us way beyond politics and the ways of this world

Deeper, We want to Go deeper

Teach us how to love

Teach me how to love

Teach us...

The World is Wide Open

the world is wide open

the world is wide open

Sons and daughters of the Living God

All of heaven is waiting

I hear all of creation crying, "We're waiting"

Show us how to love

Teach us how to love

"Stop telling us you are the chosen people, Start living like the chosen people"

I am calling your name, every son and daughter...

-Jason Upton

Quick Update

My mom is back to her hotel in Houston! She has been released from the hospital and is exhausted. Please pray for supernatural healing, so that she can start chemo asap. I believe that she will shock the doctors with a fast recovery!

You all are incredible!