Discouraged

I have been doing a lot of talking, reading, and searching about pancreatic cancer over the past month and it breaks my heart to see that I have not read any success stories. Everyone dies and usually pretty quickly after diagnosed. How sad is that? Even if someone is a candidate for the Whipple procedure, the surgery is high-risk and you have an 85% of getting the cancer again.  It blows my mind. This cancer is cruel. All cancer is cruel, but at least we are making strides in some forms of it. However, pancreatic cancer research is the lowest amount of spending of the cancers. 

Also, mom has found out more and more that people know she is very sick and is upset that it wasn't kept private within her social group.  I know some of you are her friends, co-workers, etc reading this now and please respect her wishes to not spread the news like crazy. I don't understand why she wants it to be a secret, because we all need support, but then again, I've always been more open. Mainly, this website is for my friends to pray alongside me. The truth is, I have to face the reality that mom is not going to defeat this cancer. I don't know how long she has. She is going to MD Anderson next week and we will know more. I'm dreading the whole "three months", "a year", etc sentence. She will either live with it for awhile or not so long.

God is in the business of miracles( Thanks Linds) and let's just pray for one! And if He takes her home, please just keep our family and mother in your prayers. The idea and pain of losing your mother and be parent-less is unbearable, but life will go on...

For now, please pray that her pain subsides. It has been constant since her surgery, but I have hopes that she will have good days again without pain.

Prayers ANSWERED!

Mom had an incredible day today. She took a shower, made her own breakfast, actually stepped outside, and is sleeping upstairs in her own bed!

She was optimistic today and I really can't express how that affects all of us who love her! I know it will make her fight way way way harder! I'm so impressed by her attitude!

Also, just a sweet story: Apparently, over Thanksgiving break I had mentioned that I never thought she'd be able to bake my brother's and I's favorite cake- a Texas Sheet cake again( I don't remember saying this, but I'm guessing I did, so that I could learn her recipe and make one in the future). Well, for graduation she wanted to be sure I had it, so she made one, but as we all know she got violently ill right after my ceremony and was in the hospital etc. Today, she reminded me that I had told her about the cake over Thanksgiving and that she had made it right before her trip to Auburn! We were not able to have it when we got back because she was so sick. Before the hospital in December when she was home, she froze it and today she brought it out! I know this all seems silly, but I can't even believe she remembered the cake, could make it and brought it out today! It made her so happy to see me eating it. Sweet mom.

Oncologist Appointment

I took mom to her doctor this morning. As always, she was told to intake more calories, or she will not be able to fight anything. Also, we found out she has a hernia. Her cancer is causing her a lot of pain these days, on top of the recovery from her surgery. I can't imagine having all of those things going on in my body! She is such a strong woman. 

We found out her fever is caused by the tumor, or from the inflammation of the surgery. 

The doctor has put her back on one of her chemotherapy drugs because he is worried mostly about the cancer. I took that as good news- that she is "well" enough to be on such a strong prescription. She is still not able to be on her I.V. chemo treatments, but I am just glad she can be on one! We do not want this cancer spreading anymore!

Overall, he did not say anything black and white. Cancer leaves room for a lot of gray area.

Please continue to pray that mom will have an appetite(we are also starting her on a drug that will help her to gain an appetite) and will gain strength to heal as quickly as possible from this surgery. Also, for the cancer to just leave her alone! Pray for her pain to be relieved. 

So thankful for the support. I really could not do this without all of you. Much Love.

The Last Lecture

If you have some time, check this out:

The Last Lecture: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Actually, the first time I watched this, it was before I knew my mom had cancer and it opened my eyes.

Well, there has been more hype about pancreatic cancer now that Patrick Swayze had the special with Barbara Walters. pancan.org Just the commercial advertising it stated: "Pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest forms in the U.S. Just 20 percent of those who are diagnosed are still alive a year later".

Mom is dying and I really struggle watching her suffer like she is. I know most of you would say spend all the time you can with her, but it isn't her. She isn't really all there. It's the saddest thing. I miss talking with her about every little thing. 

Apparently, during the special with Swayze, he quoted the expression, " you better get busy living, or you'll be busy dying". My brother shared that with me and some of us are just busy dying. 

I couldn't bring myself to watch the special. I don't like hearing all the statistics of the success rates of this cancer, because they are painfully low and I like to think that maybe I'll be surprised by mom. Every case is different. Cancer is cancer, and people are people and we know they go hand in hand these days and let's just hope we can be as mysterious as the cancer, so we can defeat it! We can give up or we can fight and I'd really like prayers for mom to fight...and i don't just mean to have a beating heart, but to have a life, to enjoy it.

Sometimes caffeine just isn't enough...

Well, being a mom is not easy! I guess everyone knows that. That's why I often wonder if I really want to be one. I know the rewards outweigh the costs, but I'm definitely no where close to feeling ready. Thank God, right?

Today, mom is really sick. Her fever is high, it's been up and down between 99 and 103. I wonder why? We don't know and of course, she does not want me to call the doctor. Frustrating.

I'm just exhausted- cooking, cleaning, laundry, waiting-on her full-time. Maybe I'll get into shape?

Re-cap

Many have asked for an update since my last week of school:

I graduated Friday, 12/19 and that same night mom got very ill. Mike and Lisa were driving with her back to Alpharetta when she began to scream in pain and vomiting. She refused to go to the hospital and went about four days without eating anything but an applesauce(50 calories). Honestly, she looked deathly ill and I have never been so scared for her life.

Finally, on Tuesday she had an appointment with her oncologist, who had her rushed for an immediate CAT scan. The results were that she had a blockage, and all other medical terminology that basically boils down to the fact that once she was emitted to the ER, she went into surgery. During surgery, the doctor found that her colin, which is similar to a garden hose, had kinked, ruptured, causing a hole in her colin. Everything she was eating and drinking was filling her body, instead of exiting(she was septic). I really can't believe we finally got her to go to the hospital. She was so stubborn about it and I was terrified, for those three nights that she would not wake.

She was in the hospital 23rd through the 31st. Now, she is at home in a hospital bed. She is recovering from this and she had a 50% chance of infection, well it happened and another chance of retaining all fluids, which has also happened. haha(you just have to laugh at this point- the same day I fainted, found out someone else's mom has cancer, my aunt was in the ER, and my brother was very sick) BUT the doctor was extremely positive today. All of her vital signs were ok and so hopefully she is on her way back to being well enough to not have 24-hour care, and a nurse coming twice a day.

Whew, I guess I can't really recap everything, but that is the brief version of the setback.

Doctor Appointment and I'm a semi-nurse

Mom saw her surgeon this morning and good news: no lung infection.

She is just having some complications with the surgery and it will take awhile for her recovery. I hope that she will be well enough to begin chemo again in about a month. Please pray that the cancer does not spread while she does not have the medicine in her system! 

It's been interesting having reversed roles: mother-daughter becoming daughter-mother. I have only had to make frozen meals, mac and cheese, eggs, pizza and the easy stuff while baby-sitting. AND let's be honest, for myself, I usually do the same, but throw in a ton of peanut butter and Kashi products and you have my diet. So, this time of cooking, cleaning, waiting on, bills, counting nutritional info, medication scheduling, etc has been quite the adjustment! I don't feel trained! haha Those of you who know me well, know that I like to jump into things anyway, so here I am! I'm not going to sugar-coat anything- I am really not enjoying this hold period of my life: the uncertainty of when I can have my own job, where I can go and if mom will ever be well again.

Much Love.

How is mom?

She is not recovering perfectly well from surgery: a lot of pain, no energy, infection, on and off fever. She is at home with me, but is in a hospital bed and a nurse comes twice a day. She is by no means able to take care of herself on her own. This whole fiasco has caused at least six weeks without chemotherapy. The chances of the cancer spreading are much higher and we have no idea when she will be back on her feet. Also, because she occasionally runs a high fever, the doctor is concerned that something is wrong with her lungs.

Her body has just been through hell. Surgeries, medications, lack of food and water. I just feel for her. It is sad to see her in this state and those of you who have gone through this, know exactly what we're feeling. There is nothing like it. Cancer is taking over!!! I hope that cancer is like madcow disease or the flu and that we will be able to look back and have a vaccine, but I just don't understand how we all have someone going through it. WHAT is it? A friend of mine said, that it is just proof of the broken world we live in. Well, that really breaks my heart.

How mommie can survive:
Please pray:
She needs to have 1200 calories a day and is used to having around 500 since she began chemo.
Her infection can clear.
She can get back on chemo.
She can function, as normally as she was pre-colin rupturing.
Anything and everything- emotionally, physically, spiritually

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

Holidays are always difficult to predict. Some families can't wait to get together, some don't have a family and some dread the whole idea of the season.

It really is insane how much happens when the holidays arrive. About 5 years ago, I was going through losing my dad during winter break and now I almost lost my mom. It hits you hard. There is no avoiding the painful loss of not having my dad around for the holidays and seeing my mom sick, as cancer complications take over.

I spent Christmas day with my mom, Mike and Lisa at the hospital, as my mom was awaiting a blood transfusion, because her white blood count was so low. On the 23rd, she was emitted to the ER and we found out that her colin had ruptured. She went into immediate surgery and made it through, thank the Lord. That was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. We all were not doing well. Mike and I were in panic mode and got very sick.

I HATE going to hospitals. HATE it. I praise God for all the nurses and doctors! My DNA freaks out in those places. I know I have never liked the idea of illness, blood etc, but mostly I can't handle the idea of seeing another loved one in such an amount of suffering. Oh, it just kills my core.

I could ramble about so much...these last weeks have been an overload of pain and suffering. As much as I hurt, and those around me are broken-hearted, I see how God is testing my faith.

If I worry- I have a faith issue. I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth of what life on the earth is really about. I refuse to lose my soul. So much of me wants to find satisfaction in the world when I am weak, and that is when I know God has mercy on me because I am seeing how truly imperfect, broken and torn I am(not that I haven't known this all along).

I'm trusting God for tomorrow.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:26-27