Little love bug.

As all of you know, my depression has not been easy to cope with, but I wanted to share that I have a bit of happiness from Charlie, my sweet dog! I have had to let him go on and off since August, so that he could be taken care by a loving family. I was so blessed with an incredible family that took him in as one of their own! They said I could have him back whenever I was ready and I feel like I am ready. I can't believe how much this little guy has lifted my spirits today and the love he gives me!


Mom has been in bed most of this week. It is challenging to see her start to get worse, as the days pass. I will have more to share on Tuesday, after another appointment.

Best thing mom could say

"Mom, what are you thinking? How are you feeling?"
-Me

"You know, I just really know God loves me."

-Mom

Quick Prayer Request

Hi loves,

Mom is feeling really dizzy today. She could not sit up or get up for hours without feeling like she was going to fall over. She is worried she is going to pass out, which of course freaks me out! Please pray for the dizziness to leave her. Thank you!

Slow Motion

This song is one of the few songs that I listen to that really hits home for me. It relates to all the emotions of death: the death of my dad and watching my mom whither away...all the hospital visits, the feelings, everything...

You've got to listen to it! I think anyone can see how emotional the tune is, but if I could write a song for watching a loved one leave, this would be it: "Slow Motion" by David Gray

I'm feelin it

I've been feeling pretty excited today. I am seeing gifts that God has given me, to glorify Him in what I want to do and that brings me such joy! I feel empowered by the holy spirit and it brings me everything good...that peace I've been craving. 

So, a couple of cool things. First, last night I just started writing and it felt so good! It wasn't just because it was a way of therapy. I was motivated and alive- I felt like myself. I felt like I was back in the arms of our Creator...finally. It was my first spark in awhile that I felt the joy of being connected and in a relationship with Him. I always focus on what I know to be true about the Lord from past experiences, but I have been longing for his presence in a relational sense. 

Lately,  I feel everything too much in facing the doctor's sentence of mom's time left with us. It is a glimpse of the reality I faced with my dad's death (and still do) and because of those intense feelings, I often don't feel much other than the emotions of fear that come from the aftermath of tragedy. 

It is a blessed moment to have time when you feel completely content in your own skin, even if it is just for a matter of minutes. Those minutes are enough to remind you how wonderful He is. What I mean is that in that brief moment of clarity, I was able to know God has this life of mine. He has a grip way stronger than I do and I know that at the end of it all there is a better place. There is a better life for me here and there is better world in His Kingdom. Most importantly, there is certainly a better life awaiting mom!  I must remember to focus my eyes upward.

Secondly, I have been reading two books: The Last Lecture and My Utmost for His Highest(YAY Shelley). Praise God for the way I have been able to actually pick up a book and read! That time doesn't come to be often. Anyway, The Last Lecture has blessed mom and me in incredible ways and I think there is not a person who could read the book and not have their eyes opened to hope! 

My Utmost for His Highest's subject was: "The Inspiration of Spiritual Initiative". God speaks to us, inspires us, we hear and then we take initiative.

 He can't make us do a thing. We have to reach out our hand. 

Peace, are you there?

Vulnerability, here it goes...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”-C.S. Lewis

Turns out, I have been grieving: Dad's death, loss of relationships, a friend's death, and now mom's suffering through terminal cancer.

I have days where I have hope for my future- that I am sure of better days. Then, I have days where I just really want to escape everything...It hurts so deeply.

I have always struggled with depression. My dad asked me when I was about 13 if I was depressed and I remember not really knowing what that meant- Now, I know. I can't get out bed some days. Physically, my legs don't allow me to walk. Some days when I do get out of bed, I can hardly climb stairs. Also, all of my life I have LOVED to sleep because that makes the day shorter and when times are hard, that is the best thing ever! Well, now I don't sleep well because I am sooooooo overly stressed. I've tried it all- extreme exercise, going out with friends, bible study, etc

Pick up a hobby? Tried that. Let me just say that when you are depressed- you cannot concentrate. I can't even read a book 6 out of 7 days of the week. I just can't. I think it's a big deal to take a walk, which has not been happening, but a couple times a week IF that. I am struggling.

Serve and love on others? Well, I'm a full-time caretaker for mom and I am crappy at best because I'm so weak.

I have taken the steps to get help in every medical way and I am still suffering from this disease. I want to be well, not only for myself, but for mom. I want to do better than I am doing. I beat myself up a lot of what I'm not doing.

Please pray for peace and for these HEAVY, dark, and sad thoughts to give a break. I feel terrible. I have nightmares about dad, mom and whatever else. Please pray for angels to protect me from this battle...have them lift and fight and for me to be healed!!!

The reality is I am in an enormous amount of fear. I have no grandparents and I'm about to have no parents. I have extremely distant relatives and a few family friends, but they have THEIR family. I get uncontrollably upset when I think of the loss of the unconditional love in my life. It may be easy to think that God gives us that love...but the reality is hitting that He will be it all. The body of Christ is tangible and that is where I am putting my hope when I am so far down that I cannot reach for the Lord. I know He hears and knows me and will provide. However, I don't want to lose again and again. I need consistency and stability. The security of the love that comes from parents will be gone and that loss brings unimaginable pain to my heart and body. I know my spirit is fighting, but this is a battle that needs to end. I need to know that God's love will not leave...He will not forsake me. I need to believe this whole-heartily and trust me, it's a lot easier to believe when you feel blessed with people who love you.

MD Anderson Results

Mom's tumor has grown and she has formed another in her abdomen. No operations are possible. More to come soon...

I just wanted to make sure that those of you that are faithfully praying can continue to fight for strength and hope during this seemingly doubtful time.

Based on the doctor's guessing, she has 4-6 months.