Peace, are you there?

Vulnerability, here it goes...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”-C.S. Lewis

Turns out, I have been grieving: Dad's death, loss of relationships, a friend's death, and now mom's suffering through terminal cancer.

I have days where I have hope for my future- that I am sure of better days. Then, I have days where I just really want to escape everything...It hurts so deeply.

I have always struggled with depression. My dad asked me when I was about 13 if I was depressed and I remember not really knowing what that meant- Now, I know. I can't get out bed some days. Physically, my legs don't allow me to walk. Some days when I do get out of bed, I can hardly climb stairs. Also, all of my life I have LOVED to sleep because that makes the day shorter and when times are hard, that is the best thing ever! Well, now I don't sleep well because I am sooooooo overly stressed. I've tried it all- extreme exercise, going out with friends, bible study, etc

Pick up a hobby? Tried that. Let me just say that when you are depressed- you cannot concentrate. I can't even read a book 6 out of 7 days of the week. I just can't. I think it's a big deal to take a walk, which has not been happening, but a couple times a week IF that. I am struggling.

Serve and love on others? Well, I'm a full-time caretaker for mom and I am crappy at best because I'm so weak.

I have taken the steps to get help in every medical way and I am still suffering from this disease. I want to be well, not only for myself, but for mom. I want to do better than I am doing. I beat myself up a lot of what I'm not doing.

Please pray for peace and for these HEAVY, dark, and sad thoughts to give a break. I feel terrible. I have nightmares about dad, mom and whatever else. Please pray for angels to protect me from this battle...have them lift and fight and for me to be healed!!!

The reality is I am in an enormous amount of fear. I have no grandparents and I'm about to have no parents. I have extremely distant relatives and a few family friends, but they have THEIR family. I get uncontrollably upset when I think of the loss of the unconditional love in my life. It may be easy to think that God gives us that love...but the reality is hitting that He will be it all. The body of Christ is tangible and that is where I am putting my hope when I am so far down that I cannot reach for the Lord. I know He hears and knows me and will provide. However, I don't want to lose again and again. I need consistency and stability. The security of the love that comes from parents will be gone and that loss brings unimaginable pain to my heart and body. I know my spirit is fighting, but this is a battle that needs to end. I need to know that God's love will not leave...He will not forsake me. I need to believe this whole-heartily and trust me, it's a lot easier to believe when you feel blessed with people who love you.