Today, I am going through grief packets and they are definitely helpful. However, at the same time I am so disgusted with cancer that I am angry. Really really discouraged about ever finding a cure and then, cancer seems to be more and more common. So what does that mean about our future? I hate to be so pessimistic, but the reality of my situation right now is that cancer surrounds me. It will not go away!

I just visited pancan.org and I am just being honest- I don't have much hope for this cancer. How could I? Mom is dead. Grandma is dead. Every story I have heard is not a hopeful story about the actual disease.

All of these emotions are normal responses to losing someone so close to me. I just wish there was a way to shout how hurt I am! It's such a needy time and although I know God has equipped me and He is my rock- it is not always going to feel like that.

This post is a bunch of rambling, but I wanted you all to know what's going through my mind. I know some of you wonder if I am putting on a smile and I just want you to know that in a safe environment, I am being vulnerable with those who support me.

The main pain I am feeling is that this world is not my home and I want to go home.

Truth always prevails

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain"

-C.S. Lewis

life after

Whew. So it's been two weeks without my sweet mom and as you can expect, it has not been easy. I miss her dearly. I dream of her every night. Sadly, most dreams are nightmares having to do with her death- funeral, sickness, life without her. I wish there was a way to control dreams.

Thank you to all of you who came to support our family during this tragic time. We really appreciate all the love and the presence of each one of you at the funeral. 

At the burial, we had got unfortunate news that all of our original photos that we submitted for mom's dvd had been destroyed. The carrier was riding a motorcycle and all of our memories flew into the air. Of course, it was a motorcycle. It's funny how numb funeral home directors can become- they offered us a free dvd to try to ease the pain.

Well, my focus right now is to remember mom before she was sick. I want to remember her as she was, not what cancer made her become. It's not that she wasn't a complete doll when she was sick, but she looked sick. She couldn't function as our mother, friend, and teacher.

I am taking some time to get away from the house and hopefully move to Nashville in next couple of months.

She's our angel

Mom went to Heaven at 9:35 pm, Monday April 6, 2009.

The funeral will be held at Crowell Brothers Funeral Home Thursday at 4pm. Visitation starts at 3pm.

My heart aches

No cry seems loud enough right now. I am in such pain and shock. Mom was up and walking a week ago. She was talking to me. Now, she is in a coma and is on her death bed. I am sobbing as I update you all. She is just withering away. I really cannot explain to you the sight of her right now. There are words that are sad enough, only tears. 

Watching mom sleep.

"Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

Isaiah 57:1-2

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who hold the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."

Hebrews 2:14-15

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins 

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion"

Psalm 103: 1-4

Mom sleeps tonight, but we are unsure she will wake. Tonight has been the worst we have seen her and she has all the warning signs of being near death. Several times, as Ginny and I have checked on her throughout the night, she has seemed to have passed, as her arm is reaching high into the air. I'm choosing to believe her arm is reaching towards Jesus. Ginny told me that the arm into the air is a sign of being near death. However, I am pretty sure we already knew she was anyway with all of her symptoms and actions. 

What an angel. I can't wait until she is joyful again. I will miss her so so so much, but I do not want her to suffer like this. Cancer is incredibly cruel and I am saddened to hear about it taking people's lives and the pain they and their families endure in the process.

Mom is on her way to Heaven soon

Mom will be leaving us soon and a glorious life is ahead of her in Heaven. She will be able to walk, dance, smile, laugh, sing, love, praise....everything wonderful again! I absolutely can't wait until she is happy again. Oh, I just miss her so much. I haven't had her for awhile and it really does stab my heart to think about what a close relationship we shared and that we haven't had that in a long time. 

Ginny and mom