Promised Hope: Restoration

I don't know why God allows more pain that I can take sometimes. I wrestle with the same questions we all do: Why did a child die? Handicaps? Mental Illness?Why do some have so much and others have so little? Why are people starving? Why is there cancer? Heart disease? Why does God allow all of this?

A friend of shared this thought: If God didn't allow all these things to happen, then there would be no true love in this world. We wouldn't choose to love him. We would be robots that were made to love him and that would not benefit God, our Creator.

He longs for true love, just like the rest of us. He wants us to choose Him. If that is not a relational God, I don't know what is.

We live in a fallen world.

God allows the choices to be made; the sin to happen. No matter how much I prayed for Mom to be healed, she was not healed. I ask you- how/why not? I believed in my prayer, like the farmers were told to believe in the rain for their crops. When things kept progressing and my mom's cancer was taking her life, I lost hope in my prayers. Sometimes, I wondered/wonder: do my prayers really matter? If they did, then why are there many unanswered? Well, the cliche answer is, "God has a plan for you, much greater than your own".

Let me tell you- I did not have a plan for myself. However, I did not imagine a plan on being a twenty-something year old orphan. I did not plan on going to stranger's houses for dinners or holidays, just so I wouldn't be alone in my grief.

I have hope in two things: 1. HEAVEN 2. Restoration of my soul.

Heaven seems far away, when I allow myself to let it be. I have to discipline myself to remember how close to has seemed in my life at various points and CLING to those tastes.

Today, I watched one of the NOOMA films by Rob Bell, titled "Matthew". I deemed it appropriate for my life because of the summary. I will share the line that got me to purchase it: :"What might help us, however, is to understand how Jesus dealt with this kind of loss".

Relationships are the key to moving forward. Even though, I don't know Rob Bell, it certainly was nice to have someone who understood the depth of loss, speaking truth and hope into my life.

This changed my day and hopefully, my future:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up"

-Psalm 71

OH- H-o-i-l-d-a-y-s!

The only thing that really sums up the holidays for me is memories:

The memory of time with family

The memory of Home Alone (think of the mom embracing him at the end)

The smell of pine

The malls

The Christmas Story marathons

Christmas Eve Church and tears of missing the ones we have lost.

Christmas lights

Grandma's

My Uncle's

My dad in a santa hat passing out presents.

Gingerbread cookies. We liked the dough better than the baked cookies.

Mom in a holiday outfit with bright red lipstick

Dad in a sweater. The smell of my dad's leather coat

I think of white candles lit at church

Lots of cookies. The heat blowing on my face

The chills of the winter morning

Red, green, gold, silver, white...and more red.

There are many more things I could add to the list (I am sure you have your own!), but this year those are just memories. There isn't anything to revisit in the flesh. I will have to begin a new tradition. I won't even be in the house I have been in for the past 20 years. I'll let you know what happens.

These Hard Times

"These Hard Times"

By: NEEDTOBREATHE

Give me something brighter

Give me something I can see

Give me something vicious

Give me something I can be

Give me all the love and peace

To end these wars

Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

We hide like thieves in shadows

Scared of the sun

'Cause we know the light will find us

Us and all we've done

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the faith to believe in these hard times

She was not ready

I keep thinking how my mom was not ready to die. We felt there were many memories to come. Especially, she did not want to leave her two children. She fought for eight months to stay with us. Eight months is a long time for a Pancreatic Cancer patient. She did everything she could to be with my brother and me, until it was no longer in her power.

I can remember learning that Mom was given a short matter of time to live: 2-6 months. Hospice was ordered and a week later she died.

In that last week, I knew she only had a matter of days left with us on earth. After she got the news of hospice, she shut down. Can you blame her? If I was told that there was no longer hope for my health and the my life was ending, I would want it to end as fast as possible. However, I was not the one carrying that burden- it was a sick mother with two kids she did not want to abandon.

Not only was she fearful of death, she was in tremendous pain. I can't imagine how much she must have prayed to live and how much she prayed to die simultaneously.

Vividly, I remember sitting in Mom's room avoiding the topic of her death sentence. She was trying to watch American Idol, but would fall asleep every few seconds. Ginny, a close family friend and I knew she was not doing well. Mom never would miss a second of American Idol and now, she was sleeping through her favorite show.

As she lifted her eyelids, she gazed over at me with precious, loving eyes. Supernaturally, at that very moment, I gained the courage to ask her where she wanted her funeral, how she wanted to be buried, etc.

Mom was so calm and peaceful. We had a wonderful conversation about something that was a complete nightmare, but was now our reality-Worse than a nightmare.

That was the last coherent conversation I had with my mother. After that American Idol episode and our funeral discussion, she checked out. Whether, the cancer got to her brain or the malnourishment overtook her, we do not know. The last week was more than any of us could bear and I pray that no one else has to see what this cancer does to the mind and body. AND what death does to the rest of us. Until you experience death closely, your life remains with a missing piece. We all have to experience it throughout our existence. Some in ways more pleasant than others, but no matter what the circumstance of death, it will never leave you the same.

I pray for all those walking in the valleys tonight...

We need hope!

As I spend most of my time these days fighting Pancreatic Cancer for others, I can get hopeless. I am human. It is like anything else, it is easy to feel like you are working so hard for no results. I know that is not entirely true, but as I meet with different people everyday and study this cancer, it can really be depressing. That is an understatement at best.

Pancreatic Cancer has a 95% mortality rate. Do you want to hear you have it? Do you want to hear your mom/wife/dad/brother/sister/husband etc has it? I am pretty sure you are thinking: "No", following with a knot in your stomach.

Not only do almost all die from this cancer, the battle is gruesome. Yet, only 2% (In 2009 only 2% of the National Cancer Institute's budget of 5 BILLION dollar budget was spent on pancreatic cancer) is given to Pancreatic Cancer research. How does this make sense? It doesn't. It makes me LIVID. Anyone who has experienced this disease, or that has a "walk a mile is someone else's shoes" mentality gets that this is absolutely NOT right.

The correlations are unfair. They are limiting the cancer because no one talks about it. No one wants to hear the statistics. Well, if those who have died from this cancer were here today, trust me, you'd be hearing about it: Just like we hear about breast cancer and the horrific fight through chemo. Not only do Pancreatic Cancer patients go through all of that, they also die. They fight and have no results. I am generalizing here, because again, the percentage is 95%.

PLEASE- I AM BEGGING- be aware that this cancer NEEDS help. We need hope. Pancreatic Cancer needs research funding.

Trust me, I do not want to think about this cancer either. I saw my precious mother die in front of my eyes because of it, but we have to do something.

Message from Mom

I wish I spoke to Mom more. Please don't be freaked out. I don't mean that she's a ghost lurking around my house. Simply, I wish I would express my feelings to her more, like I would if she was listening. She was the best listener.

I believe my mom is in Heaven. No doubt about it. Today I was searching through a box of memories and ran across this note/poem:

Tears filled my eyes, as I read her hand-written note. It was like she just gave it to me after missing her for so long. What would it be like to be loved like that again? A mother's love is one uniquely beautiful gift.

I have no memory of when she wrote this for me, but it doesn't matter. This note makes me realize that though we are apart, she still has all that love for me she did when she was here. No matter how old I become, this poem will always be special. To my mom, I was all of those things and most of my life that was the most important thing. Now, that she is gone, I have had to make other things important, but the void will always exist. I will never be the same. Yes, I am healing/grieving, but I am changed, my life has changed.

I'll cherish all the love I had from my parents for as long as I did. Without it now, life is much different and for awhile, much harder.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons

This past weekend was a full one! I was fortunate enough to have Linda's Hope invited to a Nashville Cancer Community event, hosted and performed by Playing By Air Productions. It was phenomenal. The show was amazing and the guys clearly put a lot of hard work into it: all for the cause of connecting the cancer community! It makes me overjoyed that people like this are in the world. OVERJOYED. I get emotional, like some people do at weddings. I cried, and anyone who has been affected by cancer had to have gotten goosebumps! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making us feel so special and cared about.

"Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance"

I added this lyric to my post because it hit home for me to the one thousandth degree. The last three lines can summarize and un-complicate so much of what I struggle with explaining to those who have not lost a loved one. Or- the closest loved one/ones. Realizing the pain of loss, is something none of us want to have to do, but it's inevitable. It will happen and for me, the two most important people in my life were taken away.

Here is what I have learned to appreciate through these words/lyrics:

1. Death is at your doorstep- literally, someone usually shows up at your door to give you the news. It is not exactly something you say over the phone, unless they are hundreds/thousands miles away. Not only is it literally at your doorstep, but it's at the doorstep of life after you go through the loss. Death is always there. After death happens, it is like you have to take a step on it, through it, over it, etc to get to the door of anything. It is a part of you. Once you experience death, there's no turning back. You are now a person that has experienced something so mysterious and dark that it can be overpowering. It constantly alludes you. It doesn't leave. You have to see it over and over again.

2. And it will steal your innocence - It really does. You know longer talk about death in what ifs and fear of the unknown. Now, you have fear of the known. Your mind is never the same. You see how dangerous things are. You see that life is short. Anything can be taken away from you at any time. ANYONE at any time. It is scary as hell. I don't mean you can't enjoy life, or have fun. In fact, if anything it makes you enjoy moments more. You get it: This is it. You never know when someone, the most important person in your life will die or be dying. Appreciate them.

Your mind opens and you enter another world.

3.But it will not steal your substance- This empowers me. Death does steal a person from you, but it hits you hard with the core of yourself... What your fears, joys, loves, passions, likes, hates, and reality are. You start to ask questions; You seek answers. You want to seek advice from wiser, older people, experienced people and you really LISTEN. The mind is miraculous... Supernatural strength arises at times and deep dark places the other half. These places teach you more about life than I could possibly know how to share. The triggers, nightmares, the memories- I never know when they will come or leave. I am thankful that all of us who have gone through death understand the pain of each other. It would be too overwhelming to do this alone. I am glad that I can reach out to those in need because of my experiences and that they do not have to suffer alone and neither do I. Sometimes, it seems like there is no one who gets it and then I meet someone who is in the same place as me and I realize this is all part of one huge story. Too bad, I am not the writer. JUST KIDDING! That would be terrible.

Scrambled eggs, well, any eggs

Today, I was searching through the fridge, cabinets, and freezer for something to eat for lunch. I have a lot of miscellaneous items, but nothing that formed a meal instantly. Well, except for eggs. Oh, eggs.

Eggs will always remind me of my sweet mom. During her last months, she ate a scrambled egg every morning with cheese for breakfast. Usually, I would make her egg because the worst part of eating to her, was watching the preparation of the meal. Having cancer, and being on chemo, makes a person easily want to fore go any food. So, having to painfully prepare an egg, she didn't even want to eat was worse than eating it at all. Makes sense, right?

As, I scrambled my two eggs with cheese, I realized how I tried to be sneaky with Mom's eggs. I would always try to add a little more cheese, or possibly add another egg. Everyday I would ask her, "How do you feel about two eggs today?" She would always kindly say, "Not today, thank you, sweetie". As if, maybe tomorrow she'd be up for two eggs. Never was this the case, but I thank God she made me think that it was not a permanent situation.

Then, I began to think, how strange? How strange it was for me to really think an extra egg would save her life. Her weight had gotten so low, that I thought if we could just pack on any extra calories, even 80, from an egg that she may live longer. That could be true, but it wasn't.

When you are battling cancer with a loved one, someone so dear as your mother, I suppose you cling onto any little teeny tiny bit of a hope and if that's an egg for you, keep it going.

One my all time favorite songs.

"I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God"

-Sara Groves

Wesley, Why? -Matt Wertz

"It's cold in the living room on Lindenwood
It's quiet around the table tonight
It's half empty in this house
And this half don't know what to do

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

We keep stumblin' through the words to explain it all
We keep searching for the beauty in the dust
We keep telling ourselves
It was your time

Wesley why can't you just be here tonight

The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

We keep waiting for your footsteps at the back door
We keep waiting for the punchline to the joke
We keep shedding these tears
And shouting at the moon

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon"

Approaching the one year mark

Last year, around this time I was in fear everyday that I would walk into my mother's bedroom and she would no longer be breathing when I checked in on her. She had gotten so sick that she only really wanted to be left alone in her bedroom, mostly in her bed. It hurt her to talk, move or to have anyone touch her.

Also, I can remember that I got sick from some sort of virus and because of the cancer living in my mom's body, I could not get close to her. It killed me that I could possibly make her even more sick. I knew our time together would soon end, but I did not want to be the reason she went faster. I could not hold her, or feed her. I had to stay far away. Paul, my boyfriend helped adminster her pain medicine and Ginny, one my mom's best friends stayed mostly everyday with us near the end. Ginny was my mother's earth angel.

As I started to get a little better, Mom got a lot worse. She had her final doctor's visit on a Monday or Tuesday and a week later she died. Literally, seven days after hospice was ordered by her oncologist, she left us all. That fast.

I will never be able to tell you in words how terrible my mom's battle with cancer was. 11 months later, I still struggle with the haunting images of what it did to her. Throughout those heartbreaking months with Mom, I experienced the human body in ways that I did not know possible- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Having had the experiences, I will not be the same ever again. In fact, right now, I continue to learn from it as I witness life go on like it never happened. As a generalization, people my age have not experienced this pain. I would even say, people at many ages have never experienced the details of what I saw throughout my mother's battle with pancreatic cancer. However, human pain is inevitable. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know just how painful it could be. Trivial things seem to anger me at times and other times that is all I want. Grief will never be understood.

Because of the great need of support that I now desire, I see life in a new way. It is not as safe or comfortable. I am parent-less. I don't feel like someone will always be there. I don't know that someone will always be there, like I did with my mother. A child without a mother is a tragic thing. I think at any age, we feel like a child again when our mother dies.

I know that I will give as much as I can do for those who have experienced tragedy because of the need I know that is there. I thank God that there are others who understand or relate, even if there are only a few. I am thankful for just one.

Please God, give me just one everyday. The days that are lonely and too much to bear, would You be so near.

That I Would Be Good

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be good

whether with or without you

Have a little Faith

That's the book I'm beginning to read: Have a little faith

Already, Jesus is pulling my heart strings. I am reading about how we become apathetic to our relationship with God and (our desire to pursue following Jesus- the author is Jewish, but I am making a generalization for Christians). If we are in good health, making money, have relationships- then we are not struggling in the world's eyes. But we are not of this world, so let's try to look up more. A lot more. (1 John 2:15-17, 2 Corinthians 10:3).

The author discusses his life going well, so that he didn't need God. How is it that we can believe that we do not need a Savior? Maybe because our lives are so comfortable. They are so comfortable, that we are separated from all the God blesses us with daily. 

I don't want it to take an earthquake in Haiti, or the death of parents, a break-up or cancer. I want it be more than a tragic call on God. I want to call on Him when I don't feel Him the most. 

I am angry at the lack of passion we have for our Father. We barely even mention His name (even amoungst our Christian friends). We would rather ponder and talk about our relationships, jobs, stress, etc. The ironic thing about that is- we have a God who wants us to talk to Him about those things, so that we may grow to know His ways...so that we may help others.

All we can do is pray, that we are transformed. I want to be transformed. I want our faith to be radical. I want to see what Christ will do through and in us. May we begin to include Him in our daily conversation. For real. 

I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

Romans 8:31-39

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4