Ok, now I get it.

 I can't compromise. 

I really can't stand when people say "Jesus Christ" or GD or any of his names in vain! I love him and it hurts.

I need people to understand that.

It's like when you're in a relationship and you're madly in love and everyone is telling you that they hate whoever you are with. It kills you. Your heart hurts and your stomach is sick and you resent those people. They are insulting someone you love. Possibly, worship.

Well, the thing is, I love and worship Jesus. Most people don't get it. I need some people who do. And those that don't, I need them too.

Why is it that America teaches us to tolerate everything, but Christians? It's pretty crazy. I'm an outcast mostly everywhere, and that's against our flesh. 

I think that this is what I'm getting at: I know that as "Christians", we are the enemy. People think that we are going to tell them they are wrong for everything they do. It's sickening.

Check it out:

"We are going to confess that, as followers of Jesus, we have not been very loving; we have been bitter and for that we are sorry. We will apologize for the Crusades, we will apologize for the televangelists, we will apologize for neglecting the poor and the lonely, we will ask them to forgive us, and we will tell them that in our selfishness, we have misrepresented Jesus on this campus. We will tell people who come into our booth that Jesus loves them."

 -taken from Blue Like Jazz

come to me for lots of new stories,

I am a very relational person and I believe that it is really screwing me up lately. I know that being the way that I am about people, that it's a gift from God and if I stray for a second then, Satan takes this gift and distorts it.

Over the last year or so, I have learned to always believe the best in people. I think everyone should live by this statement. However, there's a difference between knowing that at the end of it all, everyone is good. And knowing that you are getting completely mistreated.

I know that Christ calls us to suffer for his heart and glory and I'm all about it. Sometimes, I wonder though, if I am choosing suffering for myself. Ok, I'm not wondering, I know I unintentionally and intentionally choose it for myself. I get deceived over and over again.

I have prayed daily for God to separate me from ungodly relationships, but somehow everyone comes out of the woodwork. It's this battle that I know he equips me to fight, but it causes my personal health. In a way, I think that it's almost like I need to fast from relationships because it's my heart's utmost desire to connect spiritually with people and it's too easy to fall into a trap of "leading someone on" or whatever you wish. I wish I could wear a bag over my head and be in a jump suit sometimes and I think some people would take me more seriously, believe it or not.

I am such a spiritual person. I am sure people think I am nuts and I know they don't even know how deep it really goes with me. It is intense and unstoppable and I wish it upon every soul in this universe. Yes, I am including the astronauts and possible aliens. 

More than anything else, I just wish we all knew how spiritual everything in our lives really is. EVERYTHING. Whether, you believe in God or not, in heaven or hell, in Jesus or Oprah... there is a holy battle going on for you. You mean something to someone who died for you. 

Hearing Pictures, Seeing Sounds.

About four and half years ago, my dad passed away. I've been meeting a few people my age lately that are/have gone through a death. I just want to hug them for a long long time.

A book could be written, but that's not here. I want to touch on some things though.

There have been several questions raised about losing a loved one to me recently: what if they aren't/weren't a Christian? "Once saved, always saved"?  With a couple of questions that are never asked or wrongly answered, they could be deceived into thinking there is no God.

Recent conversations about loss:

A high school friend.

A college friend.

One of my friend's mom was murdered this past year.

Another's dad is battling cancer.

A sweet girl lost her little brother.

And then a mom who passed away from cancer, believing that god would heal her.

That's some tough stuff. 

Right here, in Auburn people are hurting. Really really badly. 

What I'm trying to say is I understand that it would be amazing to go to Romania or Africa and hold orphans and show them what it is to be loved, but we could also acknowledge that those around us everyday are suffering. They are confused. They, too are abandoned. We are all broken in the same fallen world. Somehow, we miss the love and peace of god in the midst of all this and I just don't know how.

Why aren't the Christians in Auburn supporting each other? Why is it that we can't appreciate people who are like us?  We all want to experience different cultures, with different people and that somehow we brainwash ourselves into this high that those places and souls will be able to teach us more about Christ than people here.

People are people. 

My mom didn't tell me this until a few weeks ago, but I'm so glad she did. When my dad was in a coma, we had to drive about an hour and half to go see him everyday at the hospital for four and half months. My mom was teaching, my brother was in New York trying to finish his senior year of college, and I was trying to graduate high school. Again, a lot was going on.

Anyway, then the angel part comes into play. My mom didn't tell me this because the days were so intense, you forget what you think is the small stuff. My mom was on her way to work one morning and had to pick up my high school pictures for the yearbook deadline and met a lady at the photography studio. She had spoken with her previously about our situation with my dad and how money was really tight. A week later my mom got a check in the mail from this lady and her friends. They collected money for my family, so that we could pay our bills for the month. That is Jesus. Another day, my mom got stuck in the mud on the way to work and a group of men pushed her out. And there he was again.

Food was also an issue. We didn't have the time to go to the store or make dinner. Instead, people that I had never seen in my life were bringing us food. 

This is the kingdom. How come we don't know our neighbors? Why don't we help in time of need?

No need is greater or less than any other. If a family loses a child, or a child is starving, they are both in pain. Where are we in all of this?

We have to fight to love others especially those who look like us.  Some of us, fight to love ourselves. We aren't going to get what Christ has for this world if we keep thinking he has more only for you or for me. How did his message get so distorted? How did it become about me? He died for me and you. It's time we die to ourselves. Our relationship with Christ will not expand if we keep wanting from him for ourselves and not wanting for others. We are selfish with our faith. We don't have to be. I know we will always struggle with it, but everyday is new, and everyday we can choose who we will serve. Will it be what we want? Because, honestly, I think what we really want is him: the healer, the lover, and forgiver.

He's the man.

I've had so much "fighting for good" on my mind lately. Mostly, dreams and passions of mine. It seems like they go on pause a lot. I have a tendency to live in the moment and I'm not great at looking into what I could be doing for my future. It's exciting to know that in December I will be able to go! I don't have a next step. I have steps from here on out that I want to run sprinting up them like when I was a kid. Ok, so I'm still a kid.

I really want to go to Romania. I haven't stopped thinking about Romania since I was a sophomore in an HDFS class. I learned a lot about the culture there, but mostly about the orphanages. I listened to a woman speak, Sister Schubert, just a few months ago and she said that when she got off the plane in Romania, "it was as if everything turned to black and white". The color and life was gone. I have to go. I can't wait to go. God wants me there.

Also, I want to see the world. I know some people would be fine to stay on a farm or a big house and have a family, or stay wherever is comfortable to them and that's perfectly wonderful for them and God blesses that, but I really just want to get out there! I have this longing in my heart to meet all sorts of people and see that we are all the same. I want to learn their lifestyle, whether that's in Auburn or Japan.I love people so freakin much. We are all so beautiful. 

I'm not saying to ever abandon your family and friends, but I am saying that God gives us all very specific passions to fulfill a purpose in his work and right now, it's hard for me to imagine settling, when I haven't decided something to settle on.

I want to feed the homeless and hang out with them.

I want to take kids out that don't have enough money to go to a movie or have tcby.

I want to dance and sing like a complete crazy woman all the time.

I want to be a flower child for a little while.

I want to hang out with the most successful people in the world and learn what it is they see in life and see that they have the most amazing Creator challenging them daily.

I don't want it to be a moral issue: what I do, or don't do. I want it to be Christ teaching me who he is putting together in me. Who he wants me to be. What he wants me to do. It's all about Him-  learning who I am, "self discovery" is actually him revealing his purpose for my life.

I mess up a lot in the process, but I'm open until he closes the door. I may open the wrong door again, but his grace and mercy is new every second. I am here and I want to be ready.

I need God. I miss God too often. He is always with me, but he is not always praised and I want to learn how to worship him every single second. We all worship something. What do we spend most of our time trying to do? Trying be? Who are we trying to please? Trying to learn? Loving? It's all worship. 

 As Louise Giglio put it, "it's not what you do, but who you do it for".

I have faith that I could be anywhere or be with anyone and that I or we, could fight for Christ's love all over the earth. It's ongoing worship of who he is. If you accept him into your life, he equips you and there is no fear in the love of Christ.

Sweet for Certain

Friday night was crazy. It ended up being an amazing night, but Sunday, Britt and her dad were talking about how lucky we were to be alive. It's pretty strange how we can take for granted how quickly we could be taken from the people we love on earth, or the ones we love be taken.

Friday night, Britt's dad was driving us to Buckhead with Katie and Jessica too. We were on 400 and this car completely lost control coming straight at us going at least 70 mph. We all were quiet, mouths open just awaiting the final result. It seemed like 10 min, but I'm sure it was 30 seconds. I don't know how the car managed to fly all around us and not directly hit us, causing us to hit others. Then, the car ran into the guardrail, which overlooked 285, so even more people could have been involved, but somehow the guardrail finally stopped the car without hitting anyone else. I don't know how, but it was as if a bubble was around all the rest of us. There was definitely steady traffic and no one else was hit.

 

It's always horrifying watching accidents.

Then the girls started talking about how they've never been in a serious accident, but Britt and I both have. Really serious ones. Our memories are unbelievable how they can push aside so much trauma that we go through. 

Lately, I've been realizing how all of us go through these moments that confirm that our existence matters. We're still here, aren't we? I don't know how anyone could honestly believe that God doesn't have a purpose for their life. 

Things change shockingly fast and we can never prepare for them, but we can definitely know life is sweet. Everyday we can open our eyes and see how God is blessing us.

Three Little Birds

Sometimes it's really difficult for me to remember my childhood, but even more so, the past four years. It's just amazing to remember anything from my time as a child. It puts you in a place of peace and simplicity that we all need from time to time.

I was listening to "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley and I had the best memories come back to me about when I was younger and going to Ohio to visit my grandparents. I wish I could say that my grandparents were "cool" enough to listen to Bob Marley, but they were into Frank, Judy, Ella, and Louie from the AM radio. 

Smells are said to be the strongest things to remind us of any memory, at least that's what I've always heard, but for me, I'd have to say a song is right up there with a smell.

 

My grandparents were so flippin great. They had this cute itty bitty house(they had it for 50 years or something crazy) with a garden they ate from, the smell of chocolate chip cookies and if I was lucky some Klondike bars. I was a sneaky kid about eating sweets. Whenever they would go to bed, I would run to the cookie jar and grab a couple cookies, because a couple from earlier simply was not enough. 

Their driveway was gravel and it wound around to their backporch which was always covered in bird seed. They loved seeing all the birds come up to their little porch. They also loved waving everyone off. I have a memory of my grandma waving us goodbye, the last time she was well that I'll cherish forever.

The lyrics are, "rise up this mornin', smiled with the risin' sun, three little birds pitch by my doorstep, singin sweet songs, of melodies pure and true, saying, don't worry bout a thing, cause every little thing gonna be all right"

How perfect is that? They lived every morning for those birds. I love remembering them. I lost my grandmother when I was 10 and my grandfather at 14, but so much of their love and simplicity remains in me. 

Like the song sings, "of  melodies pure and true", everything about grandpa and grandma was that and so are the birds that remind us that there is an abundance of melodies awaiting us everyday.