Clarity

Clarity is one of the most difficult things to gain, and it changes from day to day. Today, I feel like I have some of it, and I just pray that it doesn't go away by tomorrow. I have been in this cloud, floating in it, just living. Sometimes, with all that is going on, it's all I can do to take one day at a time. Thank God for each day. I want to live for Him though, you know? It's not enough to just be thankful,-that's just a start. I don't want to just be here. I don't want my days to be meaningless. I have Christ to share and I wonder how that can slip away like it does. My faith never does, but sometimes I have no discernment and still act, but I need to be patient and as a friend told me, I need dive into blind faith. I need to just do what is true, whether I believe it or not- today or tomorrow. The truth is that I make choices everyday and they won't always be the best decisions, but sometimes I'll know that there is a better decision to be made for the glory of the Lord and the joy He  longs to give little me.

"Well, it brings out flavor

Like You bring out color in life

Unfortunately high

Ironically dissatisfied

I miss you

I had a fleeting thought this morning

And I mentioned You today

It breaks my heart just to know You in part

And not to be with You where You are

Oh, I miss you so

The feel forever

Oh, that taste I know

it hurts to remember"

I think about my mom and what she endures everyday as she opens 20 different bottles of medicines to help her fight cancer. Then, I think about how she doesn't have a husband(I think about this a lot because so many people at my age are fearful of never finding anyone. And to be honest with you, personally, I think I am more fearful of finding someone and losing them.), but she has two children. I hope she knows how much we love her because I don't want to imagine how alone she feels.

 She has her chemo treatment in the morning and I wonder how she sits there for five hours, facing the reality of what is in her body, trying to kill her. She has to be scared. I want to pray as much as possible for her to be guarded from fear. Please pray with me.

Prayer for mom and mike.

I'm so thankful for these two! My brother and mom may be mostly all the family I have, but we stick together. 

Please pray for them today:

"Never fear that God is not at work while you wait. He's doing what no one else can."

Isaiah 64:4

"Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away

From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train

I wanna get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

-John Mayer

Be here now, here now

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

Don't lose faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

Cause walls will crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now"

Ray LaMontagne

Skinny Mini!

Oh dear. Mom has dramatically dropped her weight. It's definitely a struggle to see her in this state. She absolutely does not want to eat a thing. I try to tell her that it is key for her survival and she looks at me with panic and fear in her eyes. I can feel her anxiety jump across and enter into my body. We have all researched foods to help her gain weight, but she is having such a difficult time! It makes her tear up to talk about eating. When people say that chemo (by the way: can you imagine getting these treatments every week for five hours at a time?! ughhh) makes food your enemy, they certainly are not fibbing. On top of the mad amounts of medicine she is digesting, her cancer is of her digestive system, so it's terribly painful. I can't believe she is enduring all of this. The reality of this disease and her state seems like it cannot possibly be real. I really feel like I am in a nightmare and that I'll wake up at anytime now...

You all have been so good to me! I wish I could write each of you a letter of how much you have encouraged and inspired me throughout this time. I hope that I will be able to soon! Words just aren't enough.

My mom is in pain now that she has started chemo. She doesn't feel like herself and isn't eating near enough(as expected). Please pray that she finds some foods that are appealing to her. Food is the key for life. Her attitude has been struggling because she has no energy and feels sick most of the time. It's really hard not to be by her side all the time!

I was supposed to see her this weekend, but got sick and didn't want to threaten her with getting sick, since her immune system is incredibly weak right now. I really hope to see her this coming weekend!

I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up in life. I have really messed up on finances, school is beating me up, I've been sick, I don't sleep enough, I'm eating like crap, I am not working-out, and those of you who know me really well can confess that obviously I have been thrown off my, "i am in control" pedestal. The best part of it all is that I LOVE IT. I actually know who I am right now. I don't feel like I have to answer to all the enemy's questions because I know I am not capable of being in control of anything!

I guess that sounds strange( I am sure some of you have been worried about me lately), but God is incredible and I'll never lose sight of that. I feel his love daily and he has given me blessings that are immeasurable. I have some really down moments, but he shows me everyday that something way bigger than me is coming out of all of this. Without suffering, you don't learn what life is really about. I don't wish suffering upon anyone, but I don't think I've ever dreamt so much. It's the first time I can say that I just really have let go of caring about what anyone thinks they know about me. A lot of people love me and a lot of people don't and that's ok! I'm just so thankful for those who do.

I love you all. Thank you for supporting me in letting go of those who do not. This is good.

Tough Day

It's funny how much you can remove yourself from situations you are going through, but I know that you must in order to get through it all at times. It's good to breathe in life away from the darkness.

I haven't been around my mom as much lately because of school, so it's sometimes easier to block out the reality of what's going on for my mind and body's survival.

Today is one of those days that I cannot block it out because I must be praying for her and ask all of you to pray, as well. She is really scared and I feel sick to my stomach.

Chemo just isn't a fun word to have to say or think about. Chemo means cancer and we all know cancer kills those we love all the time. 

Everyday I get asked what I'm going to do in December when I graduate. That's hard because I am trying to just live day-to-day right now. Maybe I should change that, but it's all I can do for today. I don't know where my mom will be and if she needs me, I need to be there. 

It's crazy to think about all the dreams I have and how life doesn't line up with them right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm living it up,  but things happen, and your dreams don't seem as important as love. I hope I can give my mom a taste of the love she has given me.

Thank you all for your support. I know you'll be praying! Much Love.