Friday night, what?

Well, here I am staying in on a Friday night with Buckley by my side. I can't help, but feel the anxiety that I have felt for years. I was unloading the dishwasher and pulled out my mom's mixing bowl to put away and I just thought of how many times I was in the kitchen with her while we baked together. Mostly, around Christmas time. I tried to envision her hands on the bowl with mine. Then, I tried to imagine her face, but could not remember it exactly. I can only see the face in the hospital bed...the haunting one. I see her delicate little body with her bones sticking out from not eating for months and color loss of her usually, vibrant face.

August 12th

Daddy's birthday is never easy. This year was particularly difficult for my brother and me. It was the first time since Dad's death that he obviously wasn't there, AND neither was Mom. Mom always calls us to make sure we are ok. In the past couple of years, she thought about it beautifully. She wouldn't bring it up, unless we did. She would just make sure to call and offer her cheerful voice to check-in on our day. Sometimes, she was so convincing that I really didn't realize what day it was. Then, I would hang up the phone and look at the calender and sure enough, it was Daddy's birthday.

It's silly how days are so important, but they are. I think it may be designed that way because if there weren't days that made you realize your loss or your gain then maybe you wouldn't think about it enough to actually deal with the emotions. Now, I can think of several holidays/days that are going to always stir my heart: Mom's birthday, Dad's birthday, the day of Dad's accident, the day of Dad's death, the day of Mom's death, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and honestly any other Hallmark day. Holidays make us reflect on life.

Well, God really blessed me on Dad's birthday this year. Although, it was the first without Mom, it was one worth remembering. I shared with some friends what day it was and they were incredibly compassionate. I had someone ask me, "Have you celebrated? How old would your dad be today?"

I had never thought about it like that. He would be 66 years old and yes, I was able to celebrate for the first time in six years.

Paul brought me to downtown Nashville and wanted to surprise me with a plan. So, after several flights of stairs to a beautiful bridge overlooking the city lights and water, he had us sit on a bench, unwrapping a slice of carrot cake from a grocery bag. He placed a candle on the cake, lit it, and we wished my daddy a happy birthday. Words cannot describe the mixed emotions, but I do know that it was incredibly good for my soul and that I am going to start to celebrate his birthday every year from now on. 

Mommie, I want to come home.

Last night, I was organizing my new closet and found a shirt Mom gave me this past Christmas. THIS past Christmas...meaning she could go to the store, walk, talk, exist just eight and a half months ago. Given, she has only been gone for four months, but it seems like forever. I can't stand it sometimes. I am just selfish, ya know? I miss her, so I want her back. I miss her every time my heart beats. It's insane. I have had her everyday since the second I was created and now, nothing.

The healthiest way for me to come to terms with her death is to be comforted that she is no longer suffering. She was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain.

Then again I can't help, but think well, what if she didn't have cancer and she was here? What if I could talk to her everyday again? Hug her? Hold her hand. Rub her little head. Hear her sweet voice. Receive her advice. Cry in her arms.

Nothing can be changed. God has taken her home. He knew it was her time to be out of the suffering. Sometimes, I wonder when it will be mine.

Mom and hopefully, Dad, are now in Heaven. The most perfect place. We can't even imagine it. I just know that if they are with the King of all that is, well than that must be pretty glorious. I cannot imagine the presence of God in such a real way and how loved they must feel. I think of the times when I have been in love, am in love, and how it makes this high in our life that feels invincible. It empowers us. I hope that I can look to the holy and see that I can be empowered by God's promises to my life. I may not be in Heaven, but I would sure rather live with our Father on earth than without. He is the only consistent thing that is guaranteed in our lives. Whether you have lost no one, anything, or you have lost everyone and everything- He is in control. It's not up to you to admit it(although, it is for you to trust He has a plan for your life, more than you do). 

He just is and that is my only hope.