Mommie, I want to come home.

Last night, I was organizing my new closet and found a shirt Mom gave me this past Christmas. THIS past Christmas...meaning she could go to the store, walk, talk, exist just eight and a half months ago. Given, she has only been gone for four months, but it seems like forever. I can't stand it sometimes. I am just selfish, ya know? I miss her, so I want her back. I miss her every time my heart beats. It's insane. I have had her everyday since the second I was created and now, nothing.

The healthiest way for me to come to terms with her death is to be comforted that she is no longer suffering. She was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain.

Then again I can't help, but think well, what if she didn't have cancer and she was here? What if I could talk to her everyday again? Hug her? Hold her hand. Rub her little head. Hear her sweet voice. Receive her advice. Cry in her arms.

Nothing can be changed. God has taken her home. He knew it was her time to be out of the suffering. Sometimes, I wonder when it will be mine.

Mom and hopefully, Dad, are now in Heaven. The most perfect place. We can't even imagine it. I just know that if they are with the King of all that is, well than that must be pretty glorious. I cannot imagine the presence of God in such a real way and how loved they must feel. I think of the times when I have been in love, am in love, and how it makes this high in our life that feels invincible. It empowers us. I hope that I can look to the holy and see that I can be empowered by God's promises to my life. I may not be in Heaven, but I would sure rather live with our Father on earth than without. He is the only consistent thing that is guaranteed in our lives. Whether you have lost no one, anything, or you have lost everyone and everything- He is in control. It's not up to you to admit it(although, it is for you to trust He has a plan for your life, more than you do). 

He just is and that is my only hope.