Grief is lonely.

Lately, I have been battling emotions left and right. I feel this explosion of anger at times- wanting to scream and hit things(not people, no worries). Then, I just wail for about five minutes. These feelings aren't new. They are familiar. I have had loss pretty steady over my life. Family, affairs, separation, broken relationships, abandonment, and friends, even my dog. It seems like no one understands. No one.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelming anxiety/stress, I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like the kind of anxiety that you would feel before a huge exam or public speaking.

Then, it can feel like the kind when you get news someone close to you is dying or has died. Your heart drops and your chest tightens. Jaw clinched. Dry throat.

Mom is really dead. She is really really gone. I will not see her soon(unless God strikes me down). How is that supposed to make sense? How am I supposed to know life without a constant part of my being?

Every hour of every day, I get these shock emotions. The simplest way I can express it is to tell you that it's similar to when you are in a funk. You know, when you are just in a bad mood for no reason at all? No one likes those days. Well, grief is like that for me. I feel things out of no where and can't put my finger on why. It's hard to be around people beccause they take it personally if I don't want to talk or smile.

Mom has been unreachable for six months. It seems after the first week she was gone, everyone just assumes I'm over it or should be over it. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength, 
       an ever-present help in trouble.

    ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

    ³ though its waters roar and foam 
       and the mountains quake with their surging. 

    ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, 
       the holy place where the Most High dwells.

    ⁵ God is within her, she will not fall; 
       God will help her at break of day.

    ⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; 
       he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

    ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done, 
       the desolations he has brought on the earth.

    ⁹ He makes wars cease 
       to the ends of the earth. 
       He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; 
       he burns the shields with fire.

    ¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God; 
       I will be exalted among the nations, 
       I will be exalted in the earth."

    ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Garden State Quotes

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Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. 
Sam: I still feel at home in my house. 
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 

Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love. 

Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think? 
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better. 

Friday night, what?

Well, here I am staying in on a Friday night with Buckley by my side. I can't help, but feel the anxiety that I have felt for years. I was unloading the dishwasher and pulled out my mom's mixing bowl to put away and I just thought of how many times I was in the kitchen with her while we baked together. Mostly, around Christmas time. I tried to envision her hands on the bowl with mine. Then, I tried to imagine her face, but could not remember it exactly. I can only see the face in the hospital bed...the haunting one. I see her delicate little body with her bones sticking out from not eating for months and color loss of her usually, vibrant face.

August 12th

Daddy's birthday is never easy. This year was particularly difficult for my brother and me. It was the first time since Dad's death that he obviously wasn't there, AND neither was Mom. Mom always calls us to make sure we are ok. In the past couple of years, she thought about it beautifully. She wouldn't bring it up, unless we did. She would just make sure to call and offer her cheerful voice to check-in on our day. Sometimes, she was so convincing that I really didn't realize what day it was. Then, I would hang up the phone and look at the calender and sure enough, it was Daddy's birthday.

It's silly how days are so important, but they are. I think it may be designed that way because if there weren't days that made you realize your loss or your gain then maybe you wouldn't think about it enough to actually deal with the emotions. Now, I can think of several holidays/days that are going to always stir my heart: Mom's birthday, Dad's birthday, the day of Dad's accident, the day of Dad's death, the day of Mom's death, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and honestly any other Hallmark day. Holidays make us reflect on life.

Well, God really blessed me on Dad's birthday this year. Although, it was the first without Mom, it was one worth remembering. I shared with some friends what day it was and they were incredibly compassionate. I had someone ask me, "Have you celebrated? How old would your dad be today?"

I had never thought about it like that. He would be 66 years old and yes, I was able to celebrate for the first time in six years.

Paul brought me to downtown Nashville and wanted to surprise me with a plan. So, after several flights of stairs to a beautiful bridge overlooking the city lights and water, he had us sit on a bench, unwrapping a slice of carrot cake from a grocery bag. He placed a candle on the cake, lit it, and we wished my daddy a happy birthday. Words cannot describe the mixed emotions, but I do know that it was incredibly good for my soul and that I am going to start to celebrate his birthday every year from now on. 

Mommie, I want to come home.

Last night, I was organizing my new closet and found a shirt Mom gave me this past Christmas. THIS past Christmas...meaning she could go to the store, walk, talk, exist just eight and a half months ago. Given, she has only been gone for four months, but it seems like forever. I can't stand it sometimes. I am just selfish, ya know? I miss her, so I want her back. I miss her every time my heart beats. It's insane. I have had her everyday since the second I was created and now, nothing.

The healthiest way for me to come to terms with her death is to be comforted that she is no longer suffering. She was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain.

Then again I can't help, but think well, what if she didn't have cancer and she was here? What if I could talk to her everyday again? Hug her? Hold her hand. Rub her little head. Hear her sweet voice. Receive her advice. Cry in her arms.

Nothing can be changed. God has taken her home. He knew it was her time to be out of the suffering. Sometimes, I wonder when it will be mine.

Mom and hopefully, Dad, are now in Heaven. The most perfect place. We can't even imagine it. I just know that if they are with the King of all that is, well than that must be pretty glorious. I cannot imagine the presence of God in such a real way and how loved they must feel. I think of the times when I have been in love, am in love, and how it makes this high in our life that feels invincible. It empowers us. I hope that I can look to the holy and see that I can be empowered by God's promises to my life. I may not be in Heaven, but I would sure rather live with our Father on earth than without. He is the only consistent thing that is guaranteed in our lives. Whether you have lost no one, anything, or you have lost everyone and everything- He is in control. It's not up to you to admit it(although, it is for you to trust He has a plan for your life, more than you do). 

He just is and that is my only hope.

Perfect

Molly sent this to me this morning and it was an answered prayer! I wanted to share it with all of you:

devo:
Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. you are reminded that the road we're traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual presence and the hope of heaven.

Romans 12:12, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

1 Thessalonians 5:8,But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.