super duper fast update

Mom has taken a turn for the worse! She has only eaten an apple sauce in two and a half days after throwing up for hours on Friday. She is barely drinking enough to keep going. She is beginning to be stubborn and has not let us take her to the hospital.

She is as little as it gets. Please pray for strength and hope. Also, please pray for her pain to leave her and that she will somehow become hydrated. We are all very concerned.

There's much more...but just needed prayers asap!!!!

LOVE!!!!

Awakening

Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.

Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.

Speak to my pain and confusion.

Speak through my fears and my pride.

Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.

I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,

in a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.

And I know you said there is more to life.

And I know I am not satisfied.

But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.

I've known now, for quite awhile, that I am not whole.

I've remembered the body and the mind,

But dissected my soul.

Now something inside is awakening,

Like a dream I once had and forgot.

And it's something I'm scared of

And something I don't want to stop.

And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portrait,

Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.

And I thought it would be hard to believe in

But it's not hard at all.

To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom

He's asking to take my place.

To stand in the gap that I have formed

With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.

And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.

It's not just a metaphor for love.

The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of your faith.

So leave out the thee and thou and speak now.

-Sara Groves

You can fall at any level

"I will be to you whatever you need to accomplish My will"

I have been reading The Final Quest- thanks Bethany for sharing that with months and months ago! It's really interesting. It's about a spiritual battle: actual war between good and evil. The metaphors that the author uses amaze me. 

Particularly, I think it's important to learn, "when you think you are the least vulnerable to falling is in fact when you are the most vulnerable. Most men fall immediately after a great victory".

I think the main reason for falling is that we insist of having control when we can power through our victories. We must remember that it is necessary to fight for humility at all costs. It's not ever us...it's always Him anyway. If it is us, He knows our motives.

Update: my mom is having a hard time. Please pray for her strength, mentally and emotionally, and physically. Chemo takes an enormous toll on your body and mind in every way. I'm not complaining too much though, it could be the miracle drug. I say drug, but my sweet mom is on three, which is unusual and challenging.

As far as my health issues are going- My pain is getting better from my cysts and the other scare, must just have been a scare, because I haven't heard otherwise. 

I'm thankful for my friends and of course, my boyfriend. I really have been blessed these lasts months with a family of people that I never have experienced before. Mostly, I am going through the transition of graduating and many new and exciting things coming my way(we all do). I have faith that the Father will be to me, whatever it is I need during it all(this is a promise to all of us). He knows my heart and He's not going to let me go. His love is everything.  I need to grow in loving Him. Don't let anything make you believe that His grace and love is not sufficient. It is and always will be.

Home Sweet Home

"My grace is suffient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I have spent this weekend with my mom in Alpharetta. It is gorgeous here! The Fall leaves, trees, the weather... it is healing and comforting. I know God is near. I'm always thankful to have days where there is no way you could exist without knowing the beauty and power of the Lord. It's overwhelming.

My mom is a little grumpy today. I can tell she is sick of taking all the medications and the limitations that they put on her body. She hasn't felt well the last few days and is disappointed that I have to see her on her "off" days. BUT-I can see Christ working through her and it amazes me. She is dedicated to seeking hope and comfort, but she has years of anxiety to defeat.

We both have been sick this week, so it's not the way we would like to picture our time together, but that's what hope is for. I wish I could do more for her. 

I have my medical exam on Thursday and I'm starting to panic about it. It's not an easy procedure to endure. I wish this week would come and go, and I hate wishing time away. I have tons and tons to do before graduation, but I'm trying my best to keep up with it all. It really is a battle to be going through health issues myself, during the most trying times. I wish I could go somewhere completely  new and exciting....meet and serve people. That is where my heart needs to be. For now, I'll just keep on doing what I can. I feel like I am trapped in this holding period and I'm ready to move forward! I guess that means I want to escape, which is impossible because my circumstances are the same no matter where I go. I need to open my eyes to where I am now and later, I will see what our sovereign God has been planning for my life. I know there is more than this.

"Great peace have those who love Your law. And nothing causes them to stumble."

-Psalm 119:165

Results

My mom's check-up results: They could have been worse and they could have been better, but I will take them!

My mom's tumor has remained the same size, which is good that it has not grown, but it needs to shrink, in order for the surgery to take place. Also, the spot on her liver and abdomen wall seems to have left. YAY! She may have a spot on her ovary, or it could be a cyst. 

She will have another check-up in January to see the results from the continuing chemo treatments, as well as, they have added a new drug to the mix. Please keep praying! We have to have hope!

Thank you all for the prayers. I know that they helped get rid of those spots! 

Love.

It's a lot, right?

Since my mom has begun chemo, we have had no results on her progress. She is flying out to MD Anderson this week for tests and results. Please pray that the chemotherapy has and continues to perform miracles!!!! We are hoping that the chemo shrinks and limits her cancer enough, so that she can have the only procedure that has the potential to cure her.

Talking to her today blessed my life in immeasurable ways! She is incredible. I really can't imagine life without her. A part of me does not want the answers, so it's a good thing I don't have them!

"Call on me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"

-Jeremiah 33:3

On my side of things, medically, emotionally and physically, I am still at my limit. I just want to be accepted where I am, but doesn't everyone? I have really been learning and growing a lot in every aspect of my life. It's frustrating at times because I feel like my faith could be pursued more, because we can all give more and more to the man upstairs.  I begin to think in that way and I tend realize it's because of guilt and shame, not conviction. Conviction is sweet. It is clear and rewarding. Don't get me wrong, I have lots I could repent about and mistakes that have been made. Thank God for grace and for the Truth I have gained through my mistakes. Jesus died so that all of these loads can be lifted off my heavy heart. It's time to start believing that.

I have faith in a God that delivers. 

I also have fears. I question how much I am really giving to the Father when I fear the uncertainty of my future. He has really taught me to just let it go and then actually really let it go. GIVE IT TO HIM. How can he deliver, when I have a grip on it all so tightly? Yes, He promises, but what is it that we are asking Him to promise? Are we even asking?

Health update: My test results have come back indicating further medical procedures. It'd be amazing if you all could say a little something something for me too. I'd like to think it's all a fluke at the doc's office. 

Oh and one of my best friends had a ct scan because all of her blood work is off, so her too. We could all use a little more prayer.

Medical issues

I'm having some medical issues again. All related to the tests that have been done and getting results....which leads to more testing. 

Two become one.

Relationships are such a blessing and they should be sacred. They should be honored. Privacy should be honored and above all, love should be honored. It seems like an easy concept, but it's easy to get wrapped up in sharing what is meant to be between two, so that they can become one, not so they  become ten, twenty or a hundred.

Hallelujah!

My mom is getting her chemo treatment right now and has gained three pounds! This may not seem like much, but every single ounce matters during this process!

PAIN!!!!

Well, I have been to the emergency room and now, I am waiting for another doctor's appointment. 

I have ovarian cysts(common, but they can cause serious health issues, depending on many things) that are causing the major pain and I'll know more tomorrow, to see if I have to have surgery.

Please pray that the pain LEAVES!!!

And of course, for Mommie.

much love.

Give me a break.

These past months of my life seem completely cruel at times- like right now.

I'm trying to graduate and some of my professors are just heartless. I have told them about my situation, and still, no easing up. It's not like I am missing assignments or tests. 

I know I chose to finish up school with all that's going on and I know it was good decision.

Today I've had a lot hit me. I have been sick for about a month, but these last two weeks have been hellish. I have stomach pain hitting me hard! I've been to the doctor three times and have at least three more visits before they can tell me exactly what is going on. The doctor gave me three possible options: I have a mass/cyst, fibroid tumor on my uterus, or I have a disease called interstitial cystitis. 

I think I'm just severely annoyed. I have two tests and two papers this week and I'm supposed to have perfect attendance.

I am not done venting, but I think I'm going to stop there. My pain is so intense in my stomach and back! Please pray(I feel out of fuel)...I guess that goes without asking. Thankful for all of you. LOVE YOU!

This pretty much sums it up...

"The bigger the dream, The rougher the ride

The truer the love, The deeper the ache

The blinder the faith, The tougher the go

The higher the reach, The further the sky

The more miles you walk, The longer the road

The steeper you climb, The harder you stand to fall

The stronger you get, The heavier the load"

-Gabe Dixon

I don't know what I'd do without music. It hits me hard. At times,  I feel like no one understands anything I feel or I really don't understand how I am feeling and then I listen to a song and it changes everything. I'm no longer alone. 

Clarity

Clarity is one of the most difficult things to gain, and it changes from day to day. Today, I feel like I have some of it, and I just pray that it doesn't go away by tomorrow. I have been in this cloud, floating in it, just living. Sometimes, with all that is going on, it's all I can do to take one day at a time. Thank God for each day. I want to live for Him though, you know? It's not enough to just be thankful,-that's just a start. I don't want to just be here. I don't want my days to be meaningless. I have Christ to share and I wonder how that can slip away like it does. My faith never does, but sometimes I have no discernment and still act, but I need to be patient and as a friend told me, I need dive into blind faith. I need to just do what is true, whether I believe it or not- today or tomorrow. The truth is that I make choices everyday and they won't always be the best decisions, but sometimes I'll know that there is a better decision to be made for the glory of the Lord and the joy He  longs to give little me.

"Well, it brings out flavor

Like You bring out color in life

Unfortunately high

Ironically dissatisfied

I miss you

I had a fleeting thought this morning

And I mentioned You today

It breaks my heart just to know You in part

And not to be with You where You are

Oh, I miss you so

The feel forever

Oh, that taste I know

it hurts to remember"

I think about my mom and what she endures everyday as she opens 20 different bottles of medicines to help her fight cancer. Then, I think about how she doesn't have a husband(I think about this a lot because so many people at my age are fearful of never finding anyone. And to be honest with you, personally, I think I am more fearful of finding someone and losing them.), but she has two children. I hope she knows how much we love her because I don't want to imagine how alone she feels.

 She has her chemo treatment in the morning and I wonder how she sits there for five hours, facing the reality of what is in her body, trying to kill her. She has to be scared. I want to pray as much as possible for her to be guarded from fear. Please pray with me.

Prayer for mom and mike.

I'm so thankful for these two! My brother and mom may be mostly all the family I have, but we stick together. 

Please pray for them today:

"Never fear that God is not at work while you wait. He's doing what no one else can."

Isaiah 64:4

"Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away

From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train

I wanna get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

-John Mayer

Be here now, here now

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

Don't lose faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

Cause walls will crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now"

Ray LaMontagne

Skinny Mini!

Oh dear. Mom has dramatically dropped her weight. It's definitely a struggle to see her in this state. She absolutely does not want to eat a thing. I try to tell her that it is key for her survival and she looks at me with panic and fear in her eyes. I can feel her anxiety jump across and enter into my body. We have all researched foods to help her gain weight, but she is having such a difficult time! It makes her tear up to talk about eating. When people say that chemo (by the way: can you imagine getting these treatments every week for five hours at a time?! ughhh) makes food your enemy, they certainly are not fibbing. On top of the mad amounts of medicine she is digesting, her cancer is of her digestive system, so it's terribly painful. I can't believe she is enduring all of this. The reality of this disease and her state seems like it cannot possibly be real. I really feel like I am in a nightmare and that I'll wake up at anytime now...

You all have been so good to me! I wish I could write each of you a letter of how much you have encouraged and inspired me throughout this time. I hope that I will be able to soon! Words just aren't enough.

My mom is in pain now that she has started chemo. She doesn't feel like herself and isn't eating near enough(as expected). Please pray that she finds some foods that are appealing to her. Food is the key for life. Her attitude has been struggling because she has no energy and feels sick most of the time. It's really hard not to be by her side all the time!

I was supposed to see her this weekend, but got sick and didn't want to threaten her with getting sick, since her immune system is incredibly weak right now. I really hope to see her this coming weekend!

I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up in life. I have really messed up on finances, school is beating me up, I've been sick, I don't sleep enough, I'm eating like crap, I am not working-out, and those of you who know me really well can confess that obviously I have been thrown off my, "i am in control" pedestal. The best part of it all is that I LOVE IT. I actually know who I am right now. I don't feel like I have to answer to all the enemy's questions because I know I am not capable of being in control of anything!

I guess that sounds strange( I am sure some of you have been worried about me lately), but God is incredible and I'll never lose sight of that. I feel his love daily and he has given me blessings that are immeasurable. I have some really down moments, but he shows me everyday that something way bigger than me is coming out of all of this. Without suffering, you don't learn what life is really about. I don't wish suffering upon anyone, but I don't think I've ever dreamt so much. It's the first time I can say that I just really have let go of caring about what anyone thinks they know about me. A lot of people love me and a lot of people don't and that's ok! I'm just so thankful for those who do.

I love you all. Thank you for supporting me in letting go of those who do not. This is good.

Tough Day

It's funny how much you can remove yourself from situations you are going through, but I know that you must in order to get through it all at times. It's good to breathe in life away from the darkness.

I haven't been around my mom as much lately because of school, so it's sometimes easier to block out the reality of what's going on for my mind and body's survival.

Today is one of those days that I cannot block it out because I must be praying for her and ask all of you to pray, as well. She is really scared and I feel sick to my stomach.

Chemo just isn't a fun word to have to say or think about. Chemo means cancer and we all know cancer kills those we love all the time. 

Everyday I get asked what I'm going to do in December when I graduate. That's hard because I am trying to just live day-to-day right now. Maybe I should change that, but it's all I can do for today. I don't know where my mom will be and if she needs me, I need to be there. 

It's crazy to think about all the dreams I have and how life doesn't line up with them right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm living it up,  but things happen, and your dreams don't seem as important as love. I hope I can give my mom a taste of the love she has given me.

Thank you all for your support. I know you'll be praying! Much Love.

Chemo update

My mom starts chemo on Tuesday! This is much earlier than expected post-surgery. Pray that the medicine performs miracles! 

My mom went to Houston today...

She went to MD Anderson for the day and found out that she can start chemo in about a month, which is at least a month sooner than expected! Praise God! Please pray that the chemo gets rid of the spot on her liver and abdomen wall and shrinks the tumor in her pancreas, so that she can be a candidate for the Wipple procedure. Thank you all for praying with my family.

Worth it All

I don't understand Your ways

Oh but I will give You my song

Give You all my praise

You hold on to all my pain

With it You are pulling me closer

And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

Is all that I need

I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

-Rita Springer

Thanks, Shelley!

He said let it go

My life truly has been stripped from any sort of comfort. Everywhere I seek it, it fails. The only comfort that I receive is from God's amazing grace.

What I can't stand about myself, is that often I believe I take advantage of His grace. Then, I realize that the only way that could be true is if Satan has a stronghold over me: guilt.

Jesus came to take me away from the pain of guilt. Guilt is not of the Lord. Holiness is of the Lord. The power of the Holy Spirit comes and warns you of evil and then even when you fall, He says, "I'm here to catch you. Let me love you." I pray to be like this, like Christ.

For the past six years, I have learned that there is no where I can run to escape the pain of tragedy or of my sins. I am still haunted by those memories because things trigger the past daily. Every second, I could slip into darkness, and I do more than I want to, but I also know that every second I will praise His name for ALL that He has done in my little bitty life.

I will never be satisfied by this world, or with people(at least not all the time, we all know I love me some human interaction) and that has to be why I can't find the comfort that I long for, because I am looking in a world that cannot offer me the grace and love of God. I must look up.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." -1 John 4:4

I have an unbelievable amount of peace from just being alone with Him. I cannot imagine life right now without Him granting me His ways.

I promise this to you: if there is one thing I wish and pray all human beings would understand is that you must lose control and know that you are not in control. You must give it to Him, because He has it anyway. There is nothing you can do or say to change life or death matters, or sometimes how people act or feel when they make decisions that hurt you and themselves. We would all live a life of peace if we really would just surrender our burdens to him-to let go and really mean it. We would all be free! Give them to him and he will satisfy. I have had so much joy through these times because I try my best to let him have it because I sure know I don't want the responsibility of what I'm going through. Who knows where I would be, or what I would do.

Don't get me wrong, it's a constant sacrifice, but it's so good. I don't want to imagine my mind without letting go.

I pray this for us all right now(it's an idea from a little something I read, I am not but I know I AM):

"I am not, but God knows my name.

I am not, but He has pursued me in His love.

I am not, but I know the Creator of the universe."

It's all His anyway.

Constant Chaos

I am in Alpharetta with my mom and it's good to see her. It feels like it's been a long time.

My mom failed to mention to me that during her bypass surgery that the doctor has found cancer on her liver and in on her abdomen wall. It has officially metathesized(She's a stage 4).

I just found out today from one of my mom's friends and there are a lot of things my mom is avoiding: test results, telling me what the doctors say, how much pain she is in, etc. I don't blame her. No matter which way you look at it, she is right smack in the middle of a battle, in every possible way. I never knew how much loved ones go through when someone in their family has cancer. Everyone's life goes on this hold...we have to be there. Every person involved in my mom's life directly right now is being thrown around in every direction. We truly love her and I pray she feels and knows how we are surrendering this burden to the Lord and not seeking our own interests. I don't know if that makes sense, but it just causes a continuous ache to see such suffering, but we aren't the ones with the disease. We are carrying the burden, to make the load lighter for her, not only because we are called to do this, but because we feel Christ in us, carrying us along. Praise Him for his love inside of us.

Also, my little baby puppy Charlie needs a new home. I will miss him dearly, but I know I am not capable of taking care of him right now.

It's hard to believe how fast life changes and the new decisions that follow. The only thing that is solid is the rock God has placed my feet on. He will hold me up. 

I am handling it the best way that I know how and many new doors are opening. 

Please know that if I could be 100% who I want to be, I would be. The only person I can be is the one that Christ is transforming and it may not always look healthy or pretty, but if it did, then you better believe that it isn't real.

I have my good days and I have my terrible ones. I'm only human. I know I will let you all down, or let myself down, or you will let me down, but that is why I have declared that Jesus Christ is my Savior and no one else.

"You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." -Psalm 18:36

So I'll keep asking, for Your kingdom to come

"Not my will or my plans or 

the way I want it

I'm so tired of my hands in the way

So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father, today

Lord teach me how to pray"

My mom is doing really well recovering from  her surgery. She is coming home to Alpharetta tomorrow and will be able to go through chemo there! I'll be able to see her a lot more, and of course more of her friends are there, too. 

The Father blows my mind. He is revealing incredible things to me everyday, even though, I feel worthless most of the time. I know that I am not worthless. Christ is working this out. Me out.

My mom surprised me to today with some news today: Her body is healing really quickly, so that means that within the next four weeks, she could start chemo! That's basically two months before we thought it was possible for her!!! Thank you all for fighting daily for her and for me. God is really working through this situation. How could He not?! God always reveals during the most trying times, in the most intense ways. I don't always want to ask for Him to do what he does, but I'm always excited to see more of his kingdom. 

More of Him, less of me.

Those dang feelings feel good today

I love when truth and feelings have divine alignment. I wish I felt this way everyday! I guess it really wouldn't be faith if it was that easy, right? I just wanted you all to know that I'm having a good day! I really mean it too. 

Most of you know that emotionally my life could sometimes be illustrated like this artwork, but I think we could all relate to painful emotions taking over. 

The Lord has revealed a lot to me this morning: "If I should say, "My foot has slipped," Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multipy within me, Your consolations delight my soul." - Psalm 94:18-19

I don't have to call or share my heart with anyone. If I want to, I will know that I can. BUT what is even better is that I learning because I have a relationship with Christ, no matter who rejects me, I have Him and He always wants me...

He wants you too. Know that He always wants to hear what's on your heart, even if you feel or think that no one else wants to- He really really does.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes when thought refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7

The World is Wide Open

There is a power in poverty that breaks principalities

it brings the authorities down to their knees

There is a brewing frustration and an ageless temptation

to fight for control through manipulation

The God of the Kingdoms and the God of Creation, God of the Nations

sent this revelation through the homeless, penniless, Jesus, the Son

The poor will inherit the Kingdom to come

Where will we turn when our world falls apart and all of the treasures we

stored in our barns, can't buy the Kingdom of     God?

And who will praise when we've praised all our lives, men who build

kingdoms and men who build fame, but heave does not know their name?

And what are we going to fear, when all the remains is a God on the throne

with a child in his arms and love in His eyes?

And the sounds of His heart cries...

Take us way beyond religion

Way beyond the minds of man

Take us way beyond religion

Take us way beyond politics and the ways of this world

Deeper, We want to Go deeper

Teach us how to love

Teach me how to love

Teach us...

The World is Wide Open

the world is wide open

the world is wide open

Sons and daughters of the Living God

All of heaven is waiting

I hear all of creation crying, "We're waiting"

Show us how to love

Teach us how to love

"Stop telling us you are the chosen people, Start living like the chosen people"

I am calling your name, every son and daughter...

-Jason Upton

Quick Update

My mom is back to her hotel in Houston! She has been released from the hospital and is exhausted. Please pray for supernatural healing, so that she can start chemo asap. I believe that she will shock the doctors with a fast recovery!

You all are incredible!

God is always good.

I'm not going to try to play it cool here- God is rocking my world. My mom is really starting to draw close to him. Through all of this physical and emotional pain she is enduring, He sends her love in ways that He knows she'll receive.

I called my mom's hospital room this evening and it was all I could do to not cry. She sounded really different. She told me tubes were in her nose and that her throat was still really hurting from the surgery. Also, she said she wouldn't be able to really talk and that she was uncomfortable. I took that to mean that I should do most of the talking.

She is a trooper and a sweetheart. She wanted to know all about my last couple of days and just wanted me to talk. I'm so thankful for her. I will always remember her words of encouragement that she gave to me today.


Health-wise:
Let me just tell you that God is taking care of things in Houston. I don't know about the long-term physically, but I do know about the long-term spiritually. My mom said that she has come across angels throughout the hospital. I don't mean she is hallucinating, I mean that people, sons and daughters of our living God are pursuing her. She has had people ask to pray over her, as well as, as visitors to come and talk to her about sports (if you know my mom, she is a HUGE sports fan) and bring her cards and gifts.

The short-term physical status of my mom right now is that she fighting really hard aganist this disease and has already made strides faster than most bypass surgery patients(thanks to the prayers!).

Although it is challenging to not be physically there, to be the one to pray over her and give her that comfort, it is so amazing to know that God has sent people to do that with her. He's taking care of it. I have surrendered this to Him daily and He does not take that lightly!

:)

My mom made it through the bypass surgery(they removed her gallbladder and reconstructed the flow of her organs, that's about as scientific as I feel like getting right now) and is on her way to recovery. Hopefully, she will heal quickly and be able to start chemo as fast as possible! Thank you for the prayers! Praise God the surgery went well.

I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

"And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face

With a touch of my father just up around the eyes"

My mom is in surgery right now and I haven't heard anything. I feel calm, but God grants me that peace. There's no way that could be any of us at a time like this. My mom has been my best friend and I can't imagine not hearing her sweet voice whenever I want.

I am praying for decisiveness. I am thinking about what I can handle this Fall and what I cannot. I know my reserves are low, because of going through an intense amount in a short while, but I also know Jesus understands that more than I ever will. Either way, wherever I am in the Fall, it's not going to be easy and I'll probably want to run at times and that's ok. 

I miss her today. I wish I could be there, but she wouldn't be able to talk to me anyway. I pray that she can feel the love of us all and mostly, Christ's unfailing compassion and strength. 

it hurts real bad.

The ERCP failed. She will be emitted for bypass surgery tomorrow. Major setback. I NEED you all, a whole lot. please please please pray.

And the doctor let it all out

Yesterday's doctor visit at MD Anderson was unexpected. It's funny how you think you can know what's going on with cancer, because that's just ridiculous. The disease is continually surprising.

Apparently, the doctor was wrong at Emory, and my mom's cancer has spread to other parts of her body. Terrible news.

She has severe digestive problems and the tumor is a lot bigger than I thought. She has surgery on Monday to try to unblock her bile duct, and if it fails again, she will be on a feeding tube and then the doctor will proceed to bypass surgery, which is a much more serious surgery. We're talking a 8-10 day recovery and then a couple of months before my mom can start chemo.

Chemo needs to be started ASAP.  If the surgery on Monday is successful, then my mom has about a 2-4 week time table of recovery until Chemo, so we decided to at least try this.

Her chance of the major surgery(Wipple), several months down the road is about 40%. She has about a 50% of living. If the cancer decides to take over, then she'll die within the next year. This is big stuff. A lot of hope though- 50% is pretty high if you ask me. 

The main prayer is that my mom can get her nutrition to normal, she is at the poor level right now and there is no way she can beat this unless it goes up. Her nutrition alone can be what kills her. Her body is telling her not to eat. Pray for my mom to know that it's a mind over body disease. Pray for supernatural strength and optimism. Courage. Pray for life! 

You would think everyone has cancer.

Well, the last few days have not been easy. I'm sure you aren't surprised.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days that I have had to endure. We got up at 6am and weren't done with the hospital until 10pm. We had one meal the entire day and if you know me at all, or anyone in my family, that is not a positive thing!

I remained really patient, but I really struggled with the hectic schedule. We met with a dozen people yesterday, commanding us to do things. My mom is sickly, so I can't believe she had such a demanding day, but I am sure they do that on purpose here, because most people come from out of town.

I don't have any news, regarding my mom's condition. We just know a few things and the urgency of her health. I feel confident that MD Anderson wants to do their absolute best to help her. Their technology and specialists are beyond talented. I wonder how human beings can be as intelligent as these people!

On the downside, I really struggled yesterday with seeing thousands of cancer patients. You would not believe some of the things I had to see! Man, I would love it if none of us ever entered the doors of a cancer center again. It literally feels like everyone has cancer. It's unreal.

I saw so many deformities. I don't think words can describe how scary a place like this is. It feels like you are in a movie, almost like I Am Legend, except that people are dying instead of turning into monsters.

I just pray that my mom, my family, and friends can go through this with almost a sense of safety from all the darkness. I get asked so many questions about God and why he allows this. Here's what I know to be true: God would only allow this to save even more lives. He has a kingdom and he wants us to be a part of it. Do not forget that God is good, and we may not have answers to certain questions, but his promises remain. He is the reason that I am here.

Much Love.

Houston: the people really are nicer here.

I woke up at 4:45 am(Auburn) time and am waiting for check-in at our hotel in Houston. We are safely here!

We meet with the doctors here starting tomorrow and for the remainder of the week, for a second opinion and then we will begin treatment.

I'm in the hotel's Business Center, so I must go, but I just had to share with all my prayer warriors! I love each of you so much.

whew, a taste of patience.

Well, today went interestingly to say the least. As my brother asked my mom, "Did you ever imagine a day like this in your life?" And she replied, "Only in a nightmare."
On that note...
First, we met with Dr. Kooby, who I loved, but who gave us some pretty tough news: my mom's tumor has wrapped itself around a major vein, and possibly her artery. She is inoperable in her current condition. He believes that the cancer will continue to spread, even if he operated today and he does not want to put my mom's body through the surgery, that is extremely dangerous and harsh to her body, until he is sure it might be solution. So, he thinks she needs to go ahead and have surgery to drain her bile and start chemo and radiation for next few months and then see where she is.
The negative news of all of this is that chemo is not always a miracle drug, in fact it only has a 15% of shrinking her tumor. However, the positive news is that if it does work, it will keep her cancer stable.
Also, she had an MRI today, which will tell us how much cancer has spread and to where. I guess we'll get those results tomorrow. Please pray that the results aren't as devastating as today's were. And, when I use the term, devastating, I mean it, it came from the doctor's mouth. This is a very dark diagnosis and if you do the research, many would lose hope. I know you all are with me and that we will not!

Ok, so if all that was not enough to take in, and trust me, I'm leaving out 99%, a hurricane is headed to the coast of Texas, which of course, is where our flight is headed tomorrow. Please pray that Tropical Storm, Dolly, dies off as much as possible, so that my mom, brother, Ginny, Mrs. Savino and I all safely arrive. We have made flight adjustments to better our chance of safety and just took the monetary loss. Time is crucial right now!

Next, on our agenda is that we are interviewing another doctor at MD Anderson and we will make a choice from there. We are pretty sure the doctor there will suggest the same timeline.

Gosh, everything is complicated and I could go on forever. It's been a nonstop couple of days and will continue to be throughout the next week/weeks/months.

Please pray for us all to be patient and loving. Most importantly, to believe in a living, powerful God that wants to heal!!!

My brother said to me today, "Man, I just don't know what God is doing here."

I really didn't have any words to say. I just smiled. I know He is near.

God gets me

Well, this weekend has been a lot of bringing all the information we have together. We still don't know anything new. I could tell you that my mom has a low density mass, which is not a good thing. And that we have a long road ahead of us...

Unless of course, you believe in miracles. I do.

So, God really knows my heart. I don't know if you knew. I just have to share this:

Tonight I was walking into my mom's closet to get her suitcase out. I always kinda look around hoping to see something of my dad's in there(they used to share the closet). Well, I did and it rocked my world. I looked up at the top shelf, that used to be "his area of the closet" and found some baseball hats, secretly hoping I would find one that I could wear sometime. I like that sort of thing. OK, so what do I find? I find a Houston Astros' hat!!! Here I am about to leave for Houston and my dad is saying, "what up from heaven? I'm here." God is so simple and knows me so intimately. It's amazing.

If you don't get the significance, here it is: my dad passed away four and half years ago and I am going to Houston on Tuesday to battle my mom's cancer with her. My dad never lived in Houston, and pretty sure he never visited it either. He just had a random-A Houston hat. So, as you've probably gathered my now, I'm bringing it with me.

alright alright alright

I'm home with my family in Alpharetta tonight preparing for Monday's appointments in Atlanta at Emory. Then, we head to Houston for MD Anderson's( SHE GOT IN!!!! Answered prayer- Praise God) visit. We have to doctors we are interested in.

The BIGGEST prayer need right now: That my mom will be operable! Her surgery is in the top riskiest procedures, but if she can have it, she may be on her way to recovery!!!

Lots to share, but need to be with her...

Thank you, prayer warriors!

The body of Christ

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, Praise His Holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and for not all His benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion!"

Psalm 103

I just want you all to know that every little thing you are doing has given me hope that I am not alone! Whether it's a text message, a phone call, some fb action, an e-mail, sleepovers, lunch or cards. You bless my life! THAT is the love of Christ.

With all of that being said: today is a really emotional day for me. Please pray that I do not base my struggles on feelings, but on truth of what God has for my family and His unique love for us.

Sorry yall- i didn't realize i had my comments blocked for registered users only! fixed it! :)

Amazed.

This week has been one that I will never forget. I have been knocked down, raised up, and in between.

God is here. I want all of you to know in a very real way that I know God is not going to leave nor forsake me.

I want you all to know that He has provided me with many angels in my friends and family. I know that you all are fighting with us! Praise the Father for not allowing loneliness to penetrate my heart, but that love and endurance is the song on my lips.

OK, update:

We're talking that my mom(Linda), is battling an aggressive cancer. It wants to take her life and the word of God says that He gives life, so I know God has great plans. I know that God is real. I also, know that he is speaking to my friends and family in extreme ways. 

An example of His overflowing grace on my life was last night. I was in a community of about 12 women that believe in the power of Christ. They have seen God perform miracles. They expect God do something in all his glory. One woman in the group, said to me that God was very clear to her on this: He wants me to look at this as a gateway, not a wall. There is a path to an abundance of his love for my mom and our family. Praise him for that truth.

I could tell so many stories and I can't wait to share what He's doing. I really should be writing it down everyday, but as imagined, I am absolutely exhausted emotionally. 

My mom has been back and forth to the hospital for more options/opinions, but we really don't know too much right now. We know that it is more cancer than we thought and that it's an extremely deadly cancer. She is meeting with a doctor in Atlanta on Monday and then we fly to Houston on Tuesday. Pray that we know which doctor is to operate(also, operate is a positive word: we really don't know if that's an option- we are hoping) on my mom and that this happens IMMEDIATELY. ...That God would show us in a crystal clear, gut-wrenching way, which doctor is to handle this procedure.

I love you all. a whole flippin lot.

Procedure #1

Today's procedure was not a success and more cancer was found. Along with some loss of hope. I CANNOT let this bring us down! I believe that God can heal us all: we must expect this.

Tomorrow we are praying that immediately she will be able to be miraculously squeezed in for surgery to drain her fluids from her body. If not drained SOON, they will burst and her body will become septic.

Also, she is meeting with a doctor to start chemo and/or radiation.

We are still waiting to hear from MD Anderson Houston for surgery, if that's still an option.

Prayer Request for Today

We just received news that my mom is going through her first procedure today at 4:30.

Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography:

ERCP is used primarily to diagnose and treat conditions of the bile ducts, including gallstones, inflammatory strictures (scars), leaks (from trauma and surgery), and cancer.

The doctor is going to try to clear up my mom's blockage from the cancer, so that fluids will be released. If the procedure goes perfectly, then a lot of pain will be relieved and they will better diagnose her cancer. However, because of the location and the back-up of bile, there is a high possibility that they will not be able to even get to her mass.

Please pray this is not true!!! Please pray that this procedure will go better than even imagined.

Also, that she is accepted into Houston's MD Anderson's Hospital in Houston- they perform the most sugeries of her kind.

Love yall.

So, I was gonna give up this blog thing

I want my friends to know how my mom is and how to pray, so I will keep on doing this for awhile:

This Friday I found out that my mom has pancreatic cancer. I was shocked- Still am. I don't know some of you that well, but some of you have become my very closest friends and hope that becomes true for all of you.The location of the malignant mass is blocking function to my mom's other organs, causing backing up of bile. Jaundice occured, causing her to be alarmed, because that was one of the first signs that my grandmother, who passed away of pancreatic cancer had. Jaundice, causes yellowing of the eyes and skin. Specifically, she hasn't been eating hardly at all or sleeping. She is in pain and is exremely fatigued. We won't know anything about the procedures or dates of operation and medication until we hear back from the hospitals that offer the best surgery options. Please pray that she is blessed with an opening for immediate operation, and the operation runs smoothly( it is an 8-15 hour procedures and about a two week recovery) and that after the surgery, the cancer will have been defeated. I really don't know what else to say. If you've read this far- thank you. I love you all very much.

PLEASE keep her in your prayers, our family and friends.

"I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special"

I've been learning a lot about the gifts that God has gracefully given me over my life. Growing up with two parents, actually knowing them, and for the most part, they had great health. Praise God. Then, I also was blessed with an exceptional brother who opened my eyes to many things.

I've been in wonderful relationships. I have been extremely loved and I learned to love deeply. Authentically loved. Last night, Bethany was telling me that she got joy from doing things for her boyfriend because she authentically loved him and then asked the question, when we do things for other people, do we authentically love them or feel like it's what we should do? I could completely relate to serving someone you love and how much joy it brings. I just love it. Then, I thought, what if I authentically loved Christ; what would I do for him?

The only way I know how to answer to that question is to really know who you are and accept yourself, in how He made you...use your gifts that he has given. Remember the way that Jesus thinks of you and loves you and nothing can compare.

One of the older woman told me us that we have to create and know who we want to be and the expectations cannot be unrealistic. I love that. Sometimes, I want to be a hippie, or a punk rocker, but that doesn't mean I will be or that that's the best thing I could be. I am me. 

I know so much has happened in the last 24 hours of my life that has changed me forever and it's exciting and scary and wonderful all in one.

This blog is all over the place: welcome to my brain right now. 

What I meant to talk about was this: my dad was a very unique person and I thank God almost everyday that I knew him at all. I don't curse the Lord for taking him away. I am not bitter. Do I miss my dad? Of course. But I had him in my life and for that I praise God every chance I get. And that is how I know healing is taking place.

I forgot about this, but my mom reminded me that when I was eight, I had growth plates in my legs that were keeping me from walking. One morning I couldn't get out of bed. My parents were extremely concerned and upset. They thought that it could be life-threatening because when I was younger, I didn't complain much. My mom talked to my dad who was worried too.

My mom was telling me on the phone today, " you were just so sweet. I asked your dad what if something is really wrong with you?"

and he said, "well, then I am glad we had her for these eight years than to have not had her at all".

Some people never get to experience the birth of a child.

Some people never get to experience their parents.

Or a joyful relationship.

Among many many other things, but we all are ridiculously blessed in our own way. We must remember that God gives and he takes away, but our hearts will choose to say blessed be his name.

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,

And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me."

-Robert Frost, "Cluster of Faith"

Punk Rocker with flowers in my hair...

"Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
In 77 and 69 revolution was in the air
I was born too late to a world that doesn’t care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
When the head of state didn’t play guitar, Not everybody drove a car, When music really mattered and radio was king, When accountants didn’t have control And the media couldn’t buy your soul And computers were still scary and we didn’t know everything
When popstars still remained a myth And ignorance could still be bliss
And when God Save the Queen she turned a whiter shade of pale
When my mom and dad were in their teens and anarchy was still a dream and the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail
When record shops were still on top and vinyl was all that they stocked and the super info highway was still drifting out in space kids were wearing hand me downs, and playing games meant kick arounds and footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face
I was born too late to a world that doesn’t care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair"
-Sandi Thom

I LOVE this song. The only thing I think may be wrong is that we are still in a world that cares. That's my hope anyway.

Ok, now I get it.

 I can't compromise. 

I really can't stand when people say "Jesus Christ" or GD or any of his names in vain! I love him and it hurts.

I need people to understand that.

It's like when you're in a relationship and you're madly in love and everyone is telling you that they hate whoever you are with. It kills you. Your heart hurts and your stomach is sick and you resent those people. They are insulting someone you love. Possibly, worship.

Well, the thing is, I love and worship Jesus. Most people don't get it. I need some people who do. And those that don't, I need them too.

Why is it that America teaches us to tolerate everything, but Christians? It's pretty crazy. I'm an outcast mostly everywhere, and that's against our flesh. 

I think that this is what I'm getting at: I know that as "Christians", we are the enemy. People think that we are going to tell them they are wrong for everything they do. It's sickening.

Check it out:

"We are going to confess that, as followers of Jesus, we have not been very loving; we have been bitter and for that we are sorry. We will apologize for the Crusades, we will apologize for the televangelists, we will apologize for neglecting the poor and the lonely, we will ask them to forgive us, and we will tell them that in our selfishness, we have misrepresented Jesus on this campus. We will tell people who come into our booth that Jesus loves them."

 -taken from Blue Like Jazz

come to me for lots of new stories,

I am a very relational person and I believe that it is really screwing me up lately. I know that being the way that I am about people, that it's a gift from God and if I stray for a second then, Satan takes this gift and distorts it.

Over the last year or so, I have learned to always believe the best in people. I think everyone should live by this statement. However, there's a difference between knowing that at the end of it all, everyone is good. And knowing that you are getting completely mistreated.

I know that Christ calls us to suffer for his heart and glory and I'm all about it. Sometimes, I wonder though, if I am choosing suffering for myself. Ok, I'm not wondering, I know I unintentionally and intentionally choose it for myself. I get deceived over and over again.

I have prayed daily for God to separate me from ungodly relationships, but somehow everyone comes out of the woodwork. It's this battle that I know he equips me to fight, but it causes my personal health. In a way, I think that it's almost like I need to fast from relationships because it's my heart's utmost desire to connect spiritually with people and it's too easy to fall into a trap of "leading someone on" or whatever you wish. I wish I could wear a bag over my head and be in a jump suit sometimes and I think some people would take me more seriously, believe it or not.

I am such a spiritual person. I am sure people think I am nuts and I know they don't even know how deep it really goes with me. It is intense and unstoppable and I wish it upon every soul in this universe. Yes, I am including the astronauts and possible aliens. 

More than anything else, I just wish we all knew how spiritual everything in our lives really is. EVERYTHING. Whether, you believe in God or not, in heaven or hell, in Jesus or Oprah... there is a holy battle going on for you. You mean something to someone who died for you. 

Hearing Pictures, Seeing Sounds.

About four and half years ago, my dad passed away. I've been meeting a few people my age lately that are/have gone through a death. I just want to hug them for a long long time.

A book could be written, but that's not here. I want to touch on some things though.

There have been several questions raised about losing a loved one to me recently: what if they aren't/weren't a Christian? "Once saved, always saved"?  With a couple of questions that are never asked or wrongly answered, they could be deceived into thinking there is no God.

Recent conversations about loss:

A high school friend.

A college friend.

One of my friend's mom was murdered this past year.

Another's dad is battling cancer.

A sweet girl lost her little brother.

And then a mom who passed away from cancer, believing that god would heal her.

That's some tough stuff. 

Right here, in Auburn people are hurting. Really really badly. 

What I'm trying to say is I understand that it would be amazing to go to Romania or Africa and hold orphans and show them what it is to be loved, but we could also acknowledge that those around us everyday are suffering. They are confused. They, too are abandoned. We are all broken in the same fallen world. Somehow, we miss the love and peace of god in the midst of all this and I just don't know how.

Why aren't the Christians in Auburn supporting each other? Why is it that we can't appreciate people who are like us?  We all want to experience different cultures, with different people and that somehow we brainwash ourselves into this high that those places and souls will be able to teach us more about Christ than people here.

People are people. 

My mom didn't tell me this until a few weeks ago, but I'm so glad she did. When my dad was in a coma, we had to drive about an hour and half to go see him everyday at the hospital for four and half months. My mom was teaching, my brother was in New York trying to finish his senior year of college, and I was trying to graduate high school. Again, a lot was going on.

Anyway, then the angel part comes into play. My mom didn't tell me this because the days were so intense, you forget what you think is the small stuff. My mom was on her way to work one morning and had to pick up my high school pictures for the yearbook deadline and met a lady at the photography studio. She had spoken with her previously about our situation with my dad and how money was really tight. A week later my mom got a check in the mail from this lady and her friends. They collected money for my family, so that we could pay our bills for the month. That is Jesus. Another day, my mom got stuck in the mud on the way to work and a group of men pushed her out. And there he was again.

Food was also an issue. We didn't have the time to go to the store or make dinner. Instead, people that I had never seen in my life were bringing us food. 

This is the kingdom. How come we don't know our neighbors? Why don't we help in time of need?

No need is greater or less than any other. If a family loses a child, or a child is starving, they are both in pain. Where are we in all of this?

We have to fight to love others especially those who look like us.  Some of us, fight to love ourselves. We aren't going to get what Christ has for this world if we keep thinking he has more only for you or for me. How did his message get so distorted? How did it become about me? He died for me and you. It's time we die to ourselves. Our relationship with Christ will not expand if we keep wanting from him for ourselves and not wanting for others. We are selfish with our faith. We don't have to be. I know we will always struggle with it, but everyday is new, and everyday we can choose who we will serve. Will it be what we want? Because, honestly, I think what we really want is him: the healer, the lover, and forgiver.

He's the man.

I've had so much "fighting for good" on my mind lately. Mostly, dreams and passions of mine. It seems like they go on pause a lot. I have a tendency to live in the moment and I'm not great at looking into what I could be doing for my future. It's exciting to know that in December I will be able to go! I don't have a next step. I have steps from here on out that I want to run sprinting up them like when I was a kid. Ok, so I'm still a kid.

I really want to go to Romania. I haven't stopped thinking about Romania since I was a sophomore in an HDFS class. I learned a lot about the culture there, but mostly about the orphanages. I listened to a woman speak, Sister Schubert, just a few months ago and she said that when she got off the plane in Romania, "it was as if everything turned to black and white". The color and life was gone. I have to go. I can't wait to go. God wants me there.

Also, I want to see the world. I know some people would be fine to stay on a farm or a big house and have a family, or stay wherever is comfortable to them and that's perfectly wonderful for them and God blesses that, but I really just want to get out there! I have this longing in my heart to meet all sorts of people and see that we are all the same. I want to learn their lifestyle, whether that's in Auburn or Japan.I love people so freakin much. We are all so beautiful. 

I'm not saying to ever abandon your family and friends, but I am saying that God gives us all very specific passions to fulfill a purpose in his work and right now, it's hard for me to imagine settling, when I haven't decided something to settle on.

I want to feed the homeless and hang out with them.

I want to take kids out that don't have enough money to go to a movie or have tcby.

I want to dance and sing like a complete crazy woman all the time.

I want to be a flower child for a little while.

I want to hang out with the most successful people in the world and learn what it is they see in life and see that they have the most amazing Creator challenging them daily.

I don't want it to be a moral issue: what I do, or don't do. I want it to be Christ teaching me who he is putting together in me. Who he wants me to be. What he wants me to do. It's all about Him-  learning who I am, "self discovery" is actually him revealing his purpose for my life.

I mess up a lot in the process, but I'm open until he closes the door. I may open the wrong door again, but his grace and mercy is new every second. I am here and I want to be ready.

I need God. I miss God too often. He is always with me, but he is not always praised and I want to learn how to worship him every single second. We all worship something. What do we spend most of our time trying to do? Trying be? Who are we trying to please? Trying to learn? Loving? It's all worship. 

 As Louise Giglio put it, "it's not what you do, but who you do it for".

I have faith that I could be anywhere or be with anyone and that I or we, could fight for Christ's love all over the earth. It's ongoing worship of who he is. If you accept him into your life, he equips you and there is no fear in the love of Christ.