This Time of Year...

I've always heard that statistically December has the highest amount of suicide attempts and deaths. How very sad. The holidays can be a time of joy and a time of relentless sorrow.

I challenge you to reach out to those you come into contact with. I challenge myself to acknowledge that I have no idea what a single person is going through and to treat them like I was madly in love with them.

This week, there have been many tragic deaths in my friends' lives: Murder/suicide, cancer, car accidents, and a fire.

Personally, I am seeing one of the most beautiful people I know go through the loss of her father. After, a long battle with cancer. This death has affected me personally and I feel helpless. I can understand how all of you have felt as I have lost my own parents. I know how deep the pain goes yet, I cannot think of anything that would be enough to show how much pain I feel for my friend. I know God is in control and that I have to believe He will carry us all through.

I beg that you do not take the ones you love for granted and thank God that you are abundantly blessed with people who love you. I am so thankful, even as I miss the best parents in the world (in my eyes, of course).

As I feel for these tragedies this week, I remember that it is these things that make us realize it does not matter how flawed a person is, because we all are. It matters that we love them anyway.

Linda's Hope

When I decided to move to Nashville, I really didn't know why I was so sure it would be a good move. I just knew it was time for this city. Well, God has revealed that He knew I would meet girls that have become like sisters to me. Girls that would inspire me to be who God created me to be.

Throughout the last five or six months, I have been blessed with girls with a heart to love others. With me, they listened to my needs and concerns, but they do this for everyone. These girls have opened my eyes that there is still hope for all of us. I pray that I can be this to them and to others, as well.

I shared my story with them and continued to be vulnerable with my fears and dreams. Well, they dreamt with me and now, Linda's Hope(To learn more about Linda's Hope, check out: Lindashope.org) is in the works. Can you believe that? They care enough about what I have seen through my Mom's battle with pancreatic cancer that they want to see a change for all of those who have been affected.

I know I am only one teeny tiny life and we are limited to how much we can give, but I know we have a passion to help those in need and right now, personally, I know we can help those battling pancreatic cancer.

I am a 24 year-old orphan. It's tough. The grief from losing my parents in heavy on my spirit and some days, it feels like I shouldn't be here either. The pain I feel from day-to-day is unexplainable. It surprises me constantly with new stabs at my heart. I know there are others that are going through severe loss, like I am. There are people all over the world in need.

Linda's Hope is one dream that can become a reality. I don't want anyone go through the battle alone. I don't want families to feel alone. When my mom was sick, we did not have enough help. We had no clue what we were doing...no experience or education. We just survived to our best ability. I don't think anyone could imagine how my family researched day and night, hoping something, anything would make Mom more comfortable or well.

If you have a passion and dedication to become a part of Linda's Hope, please let me know. I pray everyday that there will be others with a desire to dedicate a part of their life to someone else's.

Don't fake it.

“Human beings do not readily admit desperation. When they do, the kingdom of heaven draws near.”

-Philip Yancey

A wave of chaos

Last night I dreamt horrible things about Mom battling Pancreatic Cancer. I have these nightmares every night. They are always different, but sweet Mom is always sick. How disgusting and how unfair!

The peace is that Mom is home in Heaven away from this evil cancer and maybe she can still watch over my brother and me. I guess we won't know that until the day He takes us home. However, Linda's Hope is what I believe we can carry out. I believe my mom would want to see everyone away from cancer, especially this one, as it has taken her mom's life and her own way from her children.

Often, I call out to Mom. Every time I actually do this, I begin to uncontrollably sob. I wonder if the whole apartment complex can hear me. It's the kind of plea for help that is so loud that it can sound like a laughter. The inhales and exhales of short breaths.

Do not think that I have lost my faith or trust in the Lord. I believe if it wasn't for His sweet Holy Spirit, I would have in some way self-destructed. He has saved me.

I have heard and been advised that there is no amount of time that can grant a grief-free life. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Frequently, I see adults tear up as they remember their loved ones that have died. It doesn't leave us and it doesn't define our entire being, but it does change us, making the experience a part of who we are.

There will never be another person like my mom or dad in my life. That is my reality, and others reality that have lost a parent to this disease. Grandparents. Or husbands and wives. Or brother and sisters. Maybe even, children.

The hope is that there are people, like you and me. We have a choice to BE with those in need, HELP those in need, CRY with those in need. We have to hope that there will be an end to this tragedy of hopelessness of those who get diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

I know I am need and I want to make sure I find others who need a heart that is vulnerable enough to sit with them through it all.

Pancreatic Cancer!!!

Hello all! It is really important if you know anyone affected by Pancreatic Cancer in Nashville(patients, survivors, friends, family, etc) to have them contact me. A group of Nashvillians are trying to help those in need and make a change!!!

Raise the Cure

You, who do not want to see pancreatic cancer take the life of one more mother, one more father, one more sister or brother, one more friend, one more person who could make a difference in the lives of hundreds of others. You, who see that raising the cure starts with a significant investment in research to better understand the disease, to create better diagnostics and better treatment. You, who can create progress, create

momentum, and create hope.

Cures Don’t just happen—You make Them happen. You Raise The Cure.

There’s hope for pancreatic cancer patients and

It STARTS with You.

November is National Pancreatic Awareness Month

Grief is lonely.

Lately, I have been battling emotions left and right. I feel this explosion of anger at times- wanting to scream and hit things(not people, no worries). Then, I just wail for about five minutes. These feelings aren't new. They are familiar. I have had loss pretty steady over my life. Family, affairs, separation, broken relationships, abandonment, and friends, even my dog. It seems like no one understands. No one.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelming anxiety/stress, I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like the kind of anxiety that you would feel before a huge exam or public speaking.

Then, it can feel like the kind when you get news someone close to you is dying or has died. Your heart drops and your chest tightens. Jaw clinched. Dry throat.

Mom is really dead. She is really really gone. I will not see her soon(unless God strikes me down). How is that supposed to make sense? How am I supposed to know life without a constant part of my being?

Every hour of every day, I get these shock emotions. The simplest way I can express it is to tell you that it's similar to when you are in a funk. You know, when you are just in a bad mood for no reason at all? No one likes those days. Well, grief is like that for me. I feel things out of no where and can't put my finger on why. It's hard to be around people beccause they take it personally if I don't want to talk or smile.

Mom has been unreachable for six months. It seems after the first week she was gone, everyone just assumes I'm over it or should be over it. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength, 
       an ever-present help in trouble.

    ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

    ³ though its waters roar and foam 
       and the mountains quake with their surging. 

    ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, 
       the holy place where the Most High dwells.

    ⁵ God is within her, she will not fall; 
       God will help her at break of day.

    ⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; 
       he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

    ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.

    ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done, 
       the desolations he has brought on the earth.

    ⁹ He makes wars cease 
       to the ends of the earth. 
       He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; 
       he burns the shields with fire.

    ¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God; 
       I will be exalted among the nations, 
       I will be exalted in the earth."

    ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us; 
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Garden State Quotes

---

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. 
Sam: I still feel at home in my house. 
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 

Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love. 

Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think? 
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better. 

Friday night, what?

Well, here I am staying in on a Friday night with Buckley by my side. I can't help, but feel the anxiety that I have felt for years. I was unloading the dishwasher and pulled out my mom's mixing bowl to put away and I just thought of how many times I was in the kitchen with her while we baked together. Mostly, around Christmas time. I tried to envision her hands on the bowl with mine. Then, I tried to imagine her face, but could not remember it exactly. I can only see the face in the hospital bed...the haunting one. I see her delicate little body with her bones sticking out from not eating for months and color loss of her usually, vibrant face.

August 12th

Daddy's birthday is never easy. This year was particularly difficult for my brother and me. It was the first time since Dad's death that he obviously wasn't there, AND neither was Mom. Mom always calls us to make sure we are ok. In the past couple of years, she thought about it beautifully. She wouldn't bring it up, unless we did. She would just make sure to call and offer her cheerful voice to check-in on our day. Sometimes, she was so convincing that I really didn't realize what day it was. Then, I would hang up the phone and look at the calender and sure enough, it was Daddy's birthday.

It's silly how days are so important, but they are. I think it may be designed that way because if there weren't days that made you realize your loss or your gain then maybe you wouldn't think about it enough to actually deal with the emotions. Now, I can think of several holidays/days that are going to always stir my heart: Mom's birthday, Dad's birthday, the day of Dad's accident, the day of Dad's death, the day of Mom's death, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and honestly any other Hallmark day. Holidays make us reflect on life.

Well, God really blessed me on Dad's birthday this year. Although, it was the first without Mom, it was one worth remembering. I shared with some friends what day it was and they were incredibly compassionate. I had someone ask me, "Have you celebrated? How old would your dad be today?"

I had never thought about it like that. He would be 66 years old and yes, I was able to celebrate for the first time in six years.

Paul brought me to downtown Nashville and wanted to surprise me with a plan. So, after several flights of stairs to a beautiful bridge overlooking the city lights and water, he had us sit on a bench, unwrapping a slice of carrot cake from a grocery bag. He placed a candle on the cake, lit it, and we wished my daddy a happy birthday. Words cannot describe the mixed emotions, but I do know that it was incredibly good for my soul and that I am going to start to celebrate his birthday every year from now on. 

Mommie, I want to come home.

Last night, I was organizing my new closet and found a shirt Mom gave me this past Christmas. THIS past Christmas...meaning she could go to the store, walk, talk, exist just eight and a half months ago. Given, she has only been gone for four months, but it seems like forever. I can't stand it sometimes. I am just selfish, ya know? I miss her, so I want her back. I miss her every time my heart beats. It's insane. I have had her everyday since the second I was created and now, nothing.

The healthiest way for me to come to terms with her death is to be comforted that she is no longer suffering. She was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain.

Then again I can't help, but think well, what if she didn't have cancer and she was here? What if I could talk to her everyday again? Hug her? Hold her hand. Rub her little head. Hear her sweet voice. Receive her advice. Cry in her arms.

Nothing can be changed. God has taken her home. He knew it was her time to be out of the suffering. Sometimes, I wonder when it will be mine.

Mom and hopefully, Dad, are now in Heaven. The most perfect place. We can't even imagine it. I just know that if they are with the King of all that is, well than that must be pretty glorious. I cannot imagine the presence of God in such a real way and how loved they must feel. I think of the times when I have been in love, am in love, and how it makes this high in our life that feels invincible. It empowers us. I hope that I can look to the holy and see that I can be empowered by God's promises to my life. I may not be in Heaven, but I would sure rather live with our Father on earth than without. He is the only consistent thing that is guaranteed in our lives. Whether you have lost no one, anything, or you have lost everyone and everything- He is in control. It's not up to you to admit it(although, it is for you to trust He has a plan for your life, more than you do). 

He just is and that is my only hope.

Perfect

Molly sent this to me this morning and it was an answered prayer! I wanted to share it with all of you:

devo:
Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. you are reminded that the road we're traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual presence and the hope of heaven.

Romans 12:12, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

1 Thessalonians 5:8,But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.

Your Love is Strong

"Heavenly Father 
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come 
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need 
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive 
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window 
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune 
Or out of place
I look at the meadow 
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl 
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens 
Is now advancing
Invade my heart 
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens 
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself 
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

Remembering Charlie

Charlie was a little breath of everything kind.

I know it seems cheesy to put so much hope into the world by the life of a puppy, but Charlie got me through some of the most difficult times. Nothing could make his love for me shake. He was a little angel on earth.

Please don't do this to me

As I am sitting here anxious, I thought I would blog about what this feels like for me.

I have been battling my anxiety all night, but it has gotten so bad that I had to take medicine to prevent a panic attack (I'm alone, this would not be pretty).

I just took Buckley out to go potty and all I could do was run around the yard. I was thinking that running would release some of these emotions. Then, I just plopped down into a little ball. I stared up into the sky. I felt/feel so anxious that I am not able to sit still. I decided to put my head into my knees, squeezing my arms tightly, praying, "Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me." Gripping for anything real. I was just whispering, begging for the pain and anxiety to leave. I realized that I was talking to God. I was begging for a break. BEGGING. Also, I was wanting to run away and have a whole new life. Obviously, I know this was a fleeting thought, but it seems so appealing. 

When my mind and body start to grasp the pain at its fullest, it is then, of course, I long for Mom. I miss her sweet voice, her gentle hands and her loving heart. Tonight, I started to ask her to come visit me. I just wanted her to sit with me as I felt this deep unbearable pain and anxiety. I just wanted to see her. Normally, the idea of a spiritual visit from a loved one isn't welcomed, but at this moment I felt as though I needed her. I kept flashing back to all of the times I screamed and cried in her arms. This time I just did it alone. Mom always told me to never cry alone. I want to believe she was there with me.

"The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her"

Whew. Where to begin? Life truly is an uphill battle for me. I can try my best to enjoy the climb or let the fear of it steal my joy. The past few months has been the probable answer for me, it's been both. I have been robbed of joy, having moments of utter despair and small glimpes of hope and comfort.

I miss Mom so much that my heart cannot handle the pain. It's almost like my body is realizing that the central part, my heart, has given up, but that the rest of my body has found a new way to operate.

When I look at pictures of my beautiful mother, the despair for her love is so great that I have to stop all together. I have to just breathe. Believe it or not, breathing is difficult. Sometimes, I really do have to concentrate on it intently, so that my shock of the loss of my mom on this earth fades into a corner of my brain for a moment.

Please do not worry about my faith. God is gracious. I know that I will be in His arms, until I can be in Mom's again.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

Today, I am going through grief packets and they are definitely helpful. However, at the same time I am so disgusted with cancer that I am angry. Really really discouraged about ever finding a cure and then, cancer seems to be more and more common. So what does that mean about our future? I hate to be so pessimistic, but the reality of my situation right now is that cancer surrounds me. It will not go away!

I just visited pancan.org and I am just being honest- I don't have much hope for this cancer. How could I? Mom is dead. Grandma is dead. Every story I have heard is not a hopeful story about the actual disease.

All of these emotions are normal responses to losing someone so close to me. I just wish there was a way to shout how hurt I am! It's such a needy time and although I know God has equipped me and He is my rock- it is not always going to feel like that.

This post is a bunch of rambling, but I wanted you all to know what's going through my mind. I know some of you wonder if I am putting on a smile and I just want you to know that in a safe environment, I am being vulnerable with those who support me.

The main pain I am feeling is that this world is not my home and I want to go home.

Truth always prevails

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain"

-C.S. Lewis

life after

Whew. So it's been two weeks without my sweet mom and as you can expect, it has not been easy. I miss her dearly. I dream of her every night. Sadly, most dreams are nightmares having to do with her death- funeral, sickness, life without her. I wish there was a way to control dreams.

Thank you to all of you who came to support our family during this tragic time. We really appreciate all the love and the presence of each one of you at the funeral. 

At the burial, we had got unfortunate news that all of our original photos that we submitted for mom's dvd had been destroyed. The carrier was riding a motorcycle and all of our memories flew into the air. Of course, it was a motorcycle. It's funny how numb funeral home directors can become- they offered us a free dvd to try to ease the pain.

Well, my focus right now is to remember mom before she was sick. I want to remember her as she was, not what cancer made her become. It's not that she wasn't a complete doll when she was sick, but she looked sick. She couldn't function as our mother, friend, and teacher.

I am taking some time to get away from the house and hopefully move to Nashville in next couple of months.

She's our angel

Mom went to Heaven at 9:35 pm, Monday April 6, 2009.

The funeral will be held at Crowell Brothers Funeral Home Thursday at 4pm. Visitation starts at 3pm.

My heart aches

No cry seems loud enough right now. I am in such pain and shock. Mom was up and walking a week ago. She was talking to me. Now, she is in a coma and is on her death bed. I am sobbing as I update you all. She is just withering away. I really cannot explain to you the sight of her right now. There are words that are sad enough, only tears. 

Watching mom sleep.

"Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

Isaiah 57:1-2

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who hold the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."

Hebrews 2:14-15

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins 

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion"

Psalm 103: 1-4

Mom sleeps tonight, but we are unsure she will wake. Tonight has been the worst we have seen her and she has all the warning signs of being near death. Several times, as Ginny and I have checked on her throughout the night, she has seemed to have passed, as her arm is reaching high into the air. I'm choosing to believe her arm is reaching towards Jesus. Ginny told me that the arm into the air is a sign of being near death. However, I am pretty sure we already knew she was anyway with all of her symptoms and actions. 

What an angel. I can't wait until she is joyful again. I will miss her so so so much, but I do not want her to suffer like this. Cancer is incredibly cruel and I am saddened to hear about it taking people's lives and the pain they and their families endure in the process.

Mom is on her way to Heaven soon

Mom will be leaving us soon and a glorious life is ahead of her in Heaven. She will be able to walk, dance, smile, laugh, sing, love, praise....everything wonderful again! I absolutely can't wait until she is happy again. Oh, I just miss her so much. I haven't had her for awhile and it really does stab my heart to think about what a close relationship we shared and that we haven't had that in a long time. 

Ginny and mom

We're not doing well.

This is the hardest thing to go through. I've seen my dad wither away in front of my eyes and now my mother. I don't say that out of bitterness, but out of concern. I know the effects of these images all too well. 

 I don't want to remember my mom like this, as a dying cancer patient. I want to remember who she really was, what she really looked like, and share her final days with quality time together. I don't want to remember her days of dying, like I do with my dad, but I suppose that it comes along with being here for the two that brought me into this world. I am grateful to have been able to share time with mom, but please pray that these haunting images are not the ones that stay with me forever. I want to remember the woman that was my mother, my closest friend.

Last night, my mom was completely out of it and has no idea what was going on. She is beyond overwhelmed, as you can imagine. Watching her struggle is like being in a nightmare, but I can't wake up. There are no words to explain the emotional challenges of this time. There is no way that I could even try to explain what she looks like, acts like, or the images that I will have of what cancer has done to her sweet mind and body. I am absolutely heartbroken.

I know you all are praying and I can't tell you enough times how thankful I am. Please please please keep praying. I know our Heavenly Father will prevail through all of this darkness. I know He is faithful and good. I just wish that the evilness of this world and enemy would give us just one day of rest, as the Kingdom of God shines so brightly that all these unbearable emotions would turn into love, peace, fellowship and hope.

CT scan results

Mom's cancer has spread rapidly(all over her stomach, two tumors, lymph nodes), she has a blood clot, and hospice will begin asap. The oncologist has told us there is nothing else he can do. Any sort of treatment he can offer will not be effective at this point. Without chemotherapy, she should begin to feel stronger in the days to come, but his also means the cancer will completely dominate my mom's body quickly.

to come...

 

Today, mom got a blood transfusion and her IV fluids (she has gone everyday for these this week). Her attitude has been much better since Tuesday; even though she is still hardly eating and is in a tremendous amount of pain. Right now, we are trying to find a full-time nurse and a care/hospice minister. Also, "Meals on Wheels" is going to start coming by- thank goodness. Tomorrow she goes in for a CT scan and we'll get the results on Monday and discuss them with the oncologist.

He wins.

Jesus Calling: "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day, I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties."

The amount of heartache that comes along with watching my mother die is indescribable. You know, I never really thought much about what stress does to your body, or knew what to think about all this subconscious nonsense. Let me just tell you that everything that has ever hurt has resurfaced throughout these last eight to ten months. It has been hellish to the utmost degree. I have been shat on by so many(lesson learned: smile at people. be kind. seriously. you never know what kind of day/week/year/life they are having), despite my circumstances. People that want to cause harm, will cause harm no matter who you are, or what you are going through and that just sucks. At the same time, I have realized how far kindness goes. The train of blessings that comes from one child of God has great victory over all the evil-doers. Please pray for lost. Please pray for the found.

Anyway, going back to all this body and mind craziness- When I dream, I dream terrible things. My mind knows more than I think it does. It takes all of this in and shoves it into nightmares of every fear, weirdness, heartache, etc. It's really strange. Also, my body is constantly freaking out. It just doesn't know how to keep up. It screams for sugar all the time. Sugar is no good later on, but I guess it's better than not eating.

Then, I think about my panic mode- my chest getting tight. Tingles. Aches. Blurred vision. Heart-racing. Whew, it's just intensely scary.

I am realizing that I am angry, hurt and feel alone, BUT I am not alone, ever. AND feeling angry and hurt means nothing. Those are feelings. My circumstances will change those feelings in the days to come. I will have life away from this whirlwind of emotions of despair...I have to hope. I have to trust that this life is not mine and that I have powerful direction from a lovestory that will never be defeated. Jesus wants me to wait for goodness in all things. He wins.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well, here I am: alone and sick with a virus. I have endless things to take care of and I am running low. My chest pain from my panic is driving me crazy. The nurse did not call today and she was supposed to come today. Mom is in and out of the doctor/hospital all week. Days are getting shorter and shorter with her time here. Please pray we have a spiritual leader guide us!!! We can't do this alone.

up up up

Mom is in an insane amount of pain tonight. She is not feeling well AT ALL and if mom says that, we know it's serious. She has been crying and cries even harder when she knows she has to eat. Please pray for her sweet spirit- it needs some lifting, ok actually a lot of lifting!

One of my very favorite pictures

Update

Mom had her oncologist appointment yesterday for a more current update. Turns out, the doctor wants her on chemo for nine weeks and then have a follow-up CT scan, so we can know is if it is or isn't helping stabilize or kill the cancer. Either she should stop all treatment or continue for the remainder of her life to keep the cancer more controlled.


I took this as good news, in a way. At least the doctor believes she has nine weeks left in her. However, also bad news because he is in fear of the cancer taking over completely during this time without the chemo, as it has already spread and effected her intensely in a short amount of time.


Also, her lab results from her blood work showed a low red blood cell count, so they gave her a shot for that.


Overall, the goal of the appointment was to get some pain medicine issues resolved and now mom has started a new medicine. We're hoping her pain lessens soon because I think the pain above all is the most difficult thing for mom to cope with. She hates not being able to leave her bed and we hate seeing her suffer.


As always, please pray for weight gain (she has continued to drop the pounds), peace, hope, love, support, positivity, and relief from some of this pain: physically and emotionally. Please pray for our family and friends. As imaginable, we are really taking this hard and need supernatural strength. Thank you so much.

Little love bug.

As all of you know, my depression has not been easy to cope with, but I wanted to share that I have a bit of happiness from Charlie, my sweet dog! I have had to let him go on and off since August, so that he could be taken care by a loving family. I was so blessed with an incredible family that took him in as one of their own! They said I could have him back whenever I was ready and I feel like I am ready. I can't believe how much this little guy has lifted my spirits today and the love he gives me!


Mom has been in bed most of this week. It is challenging to see her start to get worse, as the days pass. I will have more to share on Tuesday, after another appointment.

Best thing mom could say

"Mom, what are you thinking? How are you feeling?"
-Me

"You know, I just really know God loves me."

-Mom

Quick Prayer Request

Hi loves,

Mom is feeling really dizzy today. She could not sit up or get up for hours without feeling like she was going to fall over. She is worried she is going to pass out, which of course freaks me out! Please pray for the dizziness to leave her. Thank you!

Slow Motion

This song is one of the few songs that I listen to that really hits home for me. It relates to all the emotions of death: the death of my dad and watching my mom whither away...all the hospital visits, the feelings, everything...

You've got to listen to it! I think anyone can see how emotional the tune is, but if I could write a song for watching a loved one leave, this would be it: "Slow Motion" by David Gray

I'm feelin it

I've been feeling pretty excited today. I am seeing gifts that God has given me, to glorify Him in what I want to do and that brings me such joy! I feel empowered by the holy spirit and it brings me everything good...that peace I've been craving. 

So, a couple of cool things. First, last night I just started writing and it felt so good! It wasn't just because it was a way of therapy. I was motivated and alive- I felt like myself. I felt like I was back in the arms of our Creator...finally. It was my first spark in awhile that I felt the joy of being connected and in a relationship with Him. I always focus on what I know to be true about the Lord from past experiences, but I have been longing for his presence in a relational sense. 

Lately,  I feel everything too much in facing the doctor's sentence of mom's time left with us. It is a glimpse of the reality I faced with my dad's death (and still do) and because of those intense feelings, I often don't feel much other than the emotions of fear that come from the aftermath of tragedy. 

It is a blessed moment to have time when you feel completely content in your own skin, even if it is just for a matter of minutes. Those minutes are enough to remind you how wonderful He is. What I mean is that in that brief moment of clarity, I was able to know God has this life of mine. He has a grip way stronger than I do and I know that at the end of it all there is a better place. There is a better life for me here and there is better world in His Kingdom. Most importantly, there is certainly a better life awaiting mom!  I must remember to focus my eyes upward.

Secondly, I have been reading two books: The Last Lecture and My Utmost for His Highest(YAY Shelley). Praise God for the way I have been able to actually pick up a book and read! That time doesn't come to be often. Anyway, The Last Lecture has blessed mom and me in incredible ways and I think there is not a person who could read the book and not have their eyes opened to hope! 

My Utmost for His Highest's subject was: "The Inspiration of Spiritual Initiative". God speaks to us, inspires us, we hear and then we take initiative.

 He can't make us do a thing. We have to reach out our hand. 

Peace, are you there?

Vulnerability, here it goes...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”-C.S. Lewis

Turns out, I have been grieving: Dad's death, loss of relationships, a friend's death, and now mom's suffering through terminal cancer.

I have days where I have hope for my future- that I am sure of better days. Then, I have days where I just really want to escape everything...It hurts so deeply.

I have always struggled with depression. My dad asked me when I was about 13 if I was depressed and I remember not really knowing what that meant- Now, I know. I can't get out bed some days. Physically, my legs don't allow me to walk. Some days when I do get out of bed, I can hardly climb stairs. Also, all of my life I have LOVED to sleep because that makes the day shorter and when times are hard, that is the best thing ever! Well, now I don't sleep well because I am sooooooo overly stressed. I've tried it all- extreme exercise, going out with friends, bible study, etc

Pick up a hobby? Tried that. Let me just say that when you are depressed- you cannot concentrate. I can't even read a book 6 out of 7 days of the week. I just can't. I think it's a big deal to take a walk, which has not been happening, but a couple times a week IF that. I am struggling.

Serve and love on others? Well, I'm a full-time caretaker for mom and I am crappy at best because I'm so weak.

I have taken the steps to get help in every medical way and I am still suffering from this disease. I want to be well, not only for myself, but for mom. I want to do better than I am doing. I beat myself up a lot of what I'm not doing.

Please pray for peace and for these HEAVY, dark, and sad thoughts to give a break. I feel terrible. I have nightmares about dad, mom and whatever else. Please pray for angels to protect me from this battle...have them lift and fight and for me to be healed!!!

The reality is I am in an enormous amount of fear. I have no grandparents and I'm about to have no parents. I have extremely distant relatives and a few family friends, but they have THEIR family. I get uncontrollably upset when I think of the loss of the unconditional love in my life. It may be easy to think that God gives us that love...but the reality is hitting that He will be it all. The body of Christ is tangible and that is where I am putting my hope when I am so far down that I cannot reach for the Lord. I know He hears and knows me and will provide. However, I don't want to lose again and again. I need consistency and stability. The security of the love that comes from parents will be gone and that loss brings unimaginable pain to my heart and body. I know my spirit is fighting, but this is a battle that needs to end. I need to know that God's love will not leave...He will not forsake me. I need to believe this whole-heartily and trust me, it's a lot easier to believe when you feel blessed with people who love you.

MD Anderson Results

Mom's tumor has grown and she has formed another in her abdomen. No operations are possible. More to come soon...

I just wanted to make sure that those of you that are faithfully praying can continue to fight for strength and hope during this seemingly doubtful time.

Based on the doctor's guessing, she has 4-6 months.

Discouraged

I have been doing a lot of talking, reading, and searching about pancreatic cancer over the past month and it breaks my heart to see that I have not read any success stories. Everyone dies and usually pretty quickly after diagnosed. How sad is that? Even if someone is a candidate for the Whipple procedure, the surgery is high-risk and you have an 85% of getting the cancer again.  It blows my mind. This cancer is cruel. All cancer is cruel, but at least we are making strides in some forms of it. However, pancreatic cancer research is the lowest amount of spending of the cancers. 

Also, mom has found out more and more that people know she is very sick and is upset that it wasn't kept private within her social group.  I know some of you are her friends, co-workers, etc reading this now and please respect her wishes to not spread the news like crazy. I don't understand why she wants it to be a secret, because we all need support, but then again, I've always been more open. Mainly, this website is for my friends to pray alongside me. The truth is, I have to face the reality that mom is not going to defeat this cancer. I don't know how long she has. She is going to MD Anderson next week and we will know more. I'm dreading the whole "three months", "a year", etc sentence. She will either live with it for awhile or not so long.

God is in the business of miracles( Thanks Linds) and let's just pray for one! And if He takes her home, please just keep our family and mother in your prayers. The idea and pain of losing your mother and be parent-less is unbearable, but life will go on...

For now, please pray that her pain subsides. It has been constant since her surgery, but I have hopes that she will have good days again without pain.

Prayers ANSWERED!

Mom had an incredible day today. She took a shower, made her own breakfast, actually stepped outside, and is sleeping upstairs in her own bed!

She was optimistic today and I really can't express how that affects all of us who love her! I know it will make her fight way way way harder! I'm so impressed by her attitude!

Also, just a sweet story: Apparently, over Thanksgiving break I had mentioned that I never thought she'd be able to bake my brother's and I's favorite cake- a Texas Sheet cake again( I don't remember saying this, but I'm guessing I did, so that I could learn her recipe and make one in the future). Well, for graduation she wanted to be sure I had it, so she made one, but as we all know she got violently ill right after my ceremony and was in the hospital etc. Today, she reminded me that I had told her about the cake over Thanksgiving and that she had made it right before her trip to Auburn! We were not able to have it when we got back because she was so sick. Before the hospital in December when she was home, she froze it and today she brought it out! I know this all seems silly, but I can't even believe she remembered the cake, could make it and brought it out today! It made her so happy to see me eating it. Sweet mom.

Oncologist Appointment

I took mom to her doctor this morning. As always, she was told to intake more calories, or she will not be able to fight anything. Also, we found out she has a hernia. Her cancer is causing her a lot of pain these days, on top of the recovery from her surgery. I can't imagine having all of those things going on in my body! She is such a strong woman. 

We found out her fever is caused by the tumor, or from the inflammation of the surgery. 

The doctor has put her back on one of her chemotherapy drugs because he is worried mostly about the cancer. I took that as good news- that she is "well" enough to be on such a strong prescription. She is still not able to be on her I.V. chemo treatments, but I am just glad she can be on one! We do not want this cancer spreading anymore!

Overall, he did not say anything black and white. Cancer leaves room for a lot of gray area.

Please continue to pray that mom will have an appetite(we are also starting her on a drug that will help her to gain an appetite) and will gain strength to heal as quickly as possible from this surgery. Also, for the cancer to just leave her alone! Pray for her pain to be relieved. 

So thankful for the support. I really could not do this without all of you. Much Love.

The Last Lecture

If you have some time, check this out:

The Last Lecture: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Actually, the first time I watched this, it was before I knew my mom had cancer and it opened my eyes.

Well, there has been more hype about pancreatic cancer now that Patrick Swayze had the special with Barbara Walters. pancan.org Just the commercial advertising it stated: "Pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest forms in the U.S. Just 20 percent of those who are diagnosed are still alive a year later".

Mom is dying and I really struggle watching her suffer like she is. I know most of you would say spend all the time you can with her, but it isn't her. She isn't really all there. It's the saddest thing. I miss talking with her about every little thing. 

Apparently, during the special with Swayze, he quoted the expression, " you better get busy living, or you'll be busy dying". My brother shared that with me and some of us are just busy dying. 

I couldn't bring myself to watch the special. I don't like hearing all the statistics of the success rates of this cancer, because they are painfully low and I like to think that maybe I'll be surprised by mom. Every case is different. Cancer is cancer, and people are people and we know they go hand in hand these days and let's just hope we can be as mysterious as the cancer, so we can defeat it! We can give up or we can fight and I'd really like prayers for mom to fight...and i don't just mean to have a beating heart, but to have a life, to enjoy it.

Sometimes caffeine just isn't enough...

Well, being a mom is not easy! I guess everyone knows that. That's why I often wonder if I really want to be one. I know the rewards outweigh the costs, but I'm definitely no where close to feeling ready. Thank God, right?

Today, mom is really sick. Her fever is high, it's been up and down between 99 and 103. I wonder why? We don't know and of course, she does not want me to call the doctor. Frustrating.

I'm just exhausted- cooking, cleaning, laundry, waiting-on her full-time. Maybe I'll get into shape?

Re-cap

Many have asked for an update since my last week of school:

I graduated Friday, 12/19 and that same night mom got very ill. Mike and Lisa were driving with her back to Alpharetta when she began to scream in pain and vomiting. She refused to go to the hospital and went about four days without eating anything but an applesauce(50 calories). Honestly, she looked deathly ill and I have never been so scared for her life.

Finally, on Tuesday she had an appointment with her oncologist, who had her rushed for an immediate CAT scan. The results were that she had a blockage, and all other medical terminology that basically boils down to the fact that once she was emitted to the ER, she went into surgery. During surgery, the doctor found that her colin, which is similar to a garden hose, had kinked, ruptured, causing a hole in her colin. Everything she was eating and drinking was filling her body, instead of exiting(she was septic). I really can't believe we finally got her to go to the hospital. She was so stubborn about it and I was terrified, for those three nights that she would not wake.

She was in the hospital 23rd through the 31st. Now, she is at home in a hospital bed. She is recovering from this and she had a 50% chance of infection, well it happened and another chance of retaining all fluids, which has also happened. haha(you just have to laugh at this point- the same day I fainted, found out someone else's mom has cancer, my aunt was in the ER, and my brother was very sick) BUT the doctor was extremely positive today. All of her vital signs were ok and so hopefully she is on her way back to being well enough to not have 24-hour care, and a nurse coming twice a day.

Whew, I guess I can't really recap everything, but that is the brief version of the setback.

Doctor Appointment and I'm a semi-nurse

Mom saw her surgeon this morning and good news: no lung infection.

She is just having some complications with the surgery and it will take awhile for her recovery. I hope that she will be well enough to begin chemo again in about a month. Please pray that the cancer does not spread while she does not have the medicine in her system! 

It's been interesting having reversed roles: mother-daughter becoming daughter-mother. I have only had to make frozen meals, mac and cheese, eggs, pizza and the easy stuff while baby-sitting. AND let's be honest, for myself, I usually do the same, but throw in a ton of peanut butter and Kashi products and you have my diet. So, this time of cooking, cleaning, waiting on, bills, counting nutritional info, medication scheduling, etc has been quite the adjustment! I don't feel trained! haha Those of you who know me well, know that I like to jump into things anyway, so here I am! I'm not going to sugar-coat anything- I am really not enjoying this hold period of my life: the uncertainty of when I can have my own job, where I can go and if mom will ever be well again.

Much Love.

How is mom?

She is not recovering perfectly well from surgery: a lot of pain, no energy, infection, on and off fever. She is at home with me, but is in a hospital bed and a nurse comes twice a day. She is by no means able to take care of herself on her own. This whole fiasco has caused at least six weeks without chemotherapy. The chances of the cancer spreading are much higher and we have no idea when she will be back on her feet. Also, because she occasionally runs a high fever, the doctor is concerned that something is wrong with her lungs.

Her body has just been through hell. Surgeries, medications, lack of food and water. I just feel for her. It is sad to see her in this state and those of you who have gone through this, know exactly what we're feeling. There is nothing like it. Cancer is taking over!!! I hope that cancer is like madcow disease or the flu and that we will be able to look back and have a vaccine, but I just don't understand how we all have someone going through it. WHAT is it? A friend of mine said, that it is just proof of the broken world we live in. Well, that really breaks my heart.

How mommie can survive:
Please pray:
She needs to have 1200 calories a day and is used to having around 500 since she began chemo.
Her infection can clear.
She can get back on chemo.
She can function, as normally as she was pre-colin rupturing.
Anything and everything- emotionally, physically, spiritually

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

Holidays are always difficult to predict. Some families can't wait to get together, some don't have a family and some dread the whole idea of the season.

It really is insane how much happens when the holidays arrive. About 5 years ago, I was going through losing my dad during winter break and now I almost lost my mom. It hits you hard. There is no avoiding the painful loss of not having my dad around for the holidays and seeing my mom sick, as cancer complications take over.

I spent Christmas day with my mom, Mike and Lisa at the hospital, as my mom was awaiting a blood transfusion, because her white blood count was so low. On the 23rd, she was emitted to the ER and we found out that her colin had ruptured. She went into immediate surgery and made it through, thank the Lord. That was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. We all were not doing well. Mike and I were in panic mode and got very sick.

I HATE going to hospitals. HATE it. I praise God for all the nurses and doctors! My DNA freaks out in those places. I know I have never liked the idea of illness, blood etc, but mostly I can't handle the idea of seeing another loved one in such an amount of suffering. Oh, it just kills my core.

I could ramble about so much...these last weeks have been an overload of pain and suffering. As much as I hurt, and those around me are broken-hearted, I see how God is testing my faith.

If I worry- I have a faith issue. I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth of what life on the earth is really about. I refuse to lose my soul. So much of me wants to find satisfaction in the world when I am weak, and that is when I know God has mercy on me because I am seeing how truly imperfect, broken and torn I am(not that I haven't known this all along).

I'm trusting God for tomorrow.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:26-27